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Lurid Lanzetta: Two easy date ideas to do with your slam piece this Valentine's Day

Posted by: brad – Feb 14, 2017

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Sammi Lanzetta is the front woman of Venus Guytrap, a radical feminist and generally a RVA rabble rouser who deserves your attention - so we gave her a platform here at RVA Mag to dispense advice on love and everything else you need help with.

Because of today's special holiday, we thought we'd forgo the usual submitted questions and let Sammi help those who need it most - shitty partners who haven't planned anything for Valentine's.

If you’d like to submit your questions to Sammi, shoot her an email at [email protected]

1: Do a Bunch of cocaine and See The Lego Batman Movie:

The original Lego Movie that came out in 2014 is still un-ironically my favorite movie of all time. (Wild Wild West (1999) starring Will Smith is a hard second.) If you think this isn’t a romantic idea for V-day then you clearly haven’t tried “The Popcorn Trick.”

Personally, I can’t think of anything that gets me more hype than Batman and Legos; so if you’re already as enthusiastic as I am, the cocaine part is optional (I GUESS) but if you don’t want to feel lackluster around a bunch of caffeinated eight-year-olds in the movie theater, you better prepare your body for a cinematic adventure.

I recommend screaming as much as possible like you would at a rock concert... or a root canal! If any kids start getting louder than you during the movie, quickly silence them and tell them they’re the reason Batman’s parents are dead. Remind them that this is Big Boy Time and you’re trying to impress your Hot Wife with the Big Tits. It’s your special night and you’re gonna get your dick sucked so hard later, but ONLY if you play it cool during The Lego Batman Movie….. and there’s nothing cooler than doing illegal drugs at a children’s movie; am I right ladies?

If you’re feeling really spicy, I recommend coordinating costumes with your date. Perhaps an interactive costume where you both are lego pieces and can fit into each other’s holes. If you want to be vanilla about it, Batman suits are just 24.99 at Target and they look like someone shit out a bat onto a piece of fabric, which might be enough to get you to second base.

If all goes well, this will probably be the best night of your god damn life.

2: Have Anal Behind the Movie Theater After You See Lego Batman:

You’re already there so you might as well, I guess.

Things you will need:

- Lube
- Condoms
- A clean anal cavity
- A sense of adventure

That’s it. Don’t hurt yourself. I’m not responsible for any physical, emotional, or legal damage this may cause.

P.S. If you’re single and don’t want to use your tears as lubricant while you masturbate the night away, WRIR is hosting its annual Black Valentine’s Day featuring a dating auction and some really cool bands like Mickrowaves, Paul Ivey and Dorthia Cottrell on the 14th.

The show itself is free, but all donations will help keep the station up and running so you can hear great music from local artists on the way to work like that one song your ex wrote right after dumping you before Valentine’s Day.

Love,
Sammi

Editor's note: RVAMag would never condone the use of illegal drugs or anal sex in or behind a move theatre - please realize this column is for laughs and is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy Valentine's Day!

Words by Sammi Lanzetta

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