James Wayland's Halloween Movie Guide

Posted by: Ian – Oct 29, 2009

So, it’s Halloween, that special time of year when ghosts and goblins rule the day while witches and werewolves haunt the night. Yes, your neighbors are actually decorating their home with cobwebs and tombstones, and yes, cardboard vampires and mummies are springing up all over town. There’s nothing quite like it, and it has always been this twisted author’s favorite time of year. Football might figure into the equation as well, but there’s something equally essential taking place on television this month. It’s time to watch all your favorite horror films and all the television specials that have frightened you for years.

What follows is a close look at some classic movies, but since we only get to enjoy the ghastly joys of the spooky season once a year, let’s take it a step farther. As opposed to simply detailing my obsession with several of my favorite flicks, I’m going to offer you something more. Here then are several Triple Features with a common theme, any one of which would make for a most hellacious Halloween viewing experience.

I’m sure that some of your favorites are probably missing, but then so too are several of mine. No list of this type can be perfect, and it is inevitable that some omissions may dismay or perhaps appall you.

Yet I persist, starting with my personal favorite and the line-up that will be playing at my house on October 31st.

The John Carpenter Triple Feature

It’s no secret that Carpenter is my favorite director, and that makes choosing any three films from his library extremely difficult. In the end, I selected the three films that I felt were most appropriate for the occasion.

1. The Fog – There are few places I like to revisit as much as Antonio Bay. What a wonderful setting for a grisly ghost story. The subject matter is treated with love here, as this is a hardcore horror feature that is beautifully photographed and expertly plotted. I like the ensemble that stands against a mysterious force that strikes with sickening brutality, a determined band of survivors led by Jamie Lee Curtis, Hal Holbrook, and Adrienne Barbeau. While the film is definitely gory, it’s the suspense and the mood that make this one truly worthwhile, thanks in part to a classic Carpenter score.

2. The Thing – I can’t decide if this is John’s masterpiece or if that accolade should be reserved for his early gem Assault on Precinct 13. Regardless, this is as good as horror films get. A terrific cast headlined by a magnificent Kurt Russell (sporting cinema’s finest beard) and some truly groundbreaking effects make this remake a true classic. I don’t care what audiences or critics thought of it at the time, this is a grand film, a shining example of what the genre is capable of producing. This snowbound odyssey into paranoia and terror also benefits from Carpenter’s ability to craft a perfect score, as the unearthly throb that acts as The Thing’s pulse is significantly mesmerizing. I think I’m gushing, but that’s okay, this film deserves it, and Carpenter rarely receives the praise he’s due.

3. Halloween – Of course you have to top things off with the film that gave birth to the slasher craze, the terrifying yet minimalist blockbuster that cost only 300 grand to make. Jamie Lee Curtis was catapulted to stardom for a reason, and Carpenter has never been more dedicated to unnerving his audience. Do I even need to mention the classic theme? This is a hell of a film, an instant classic that has stood the test of time, and I envy anyone watching it for the first time as Halloween draws to a close.

The Action-Packed Horror Triple Feature

Okay, so maybe you’re throwing a kickass Halloween party and you want a Triple Feature to entertain your friends with, but you’re just not that keen on horror films. I may not understand you, but I’m still here to help. What follows is a list of films that I don’t mind classifying as horror even though some would say they belong in other genres.

1. From Dusk Til Dawn – If you haven’t seen this film yet, you need help. Instead of describing either the plot or the principals, let me just give you a rundown of the parties involved in this little trip to Mexico gone bad. Quentin Tarantino wrote it and plays one of the lead roles. Robert Rodriguez directed. Stars taking part in the chaos include George Clooney, Juliette Lewis, Harvey Keitel, Tom Savini, Fred Williamson, Cheech, and the one and only Danny Trejo. Did I mention that Salma Hayek is on hand for a titillating strip tease that concludes with Quentin drinking wine from her toes? Just watch the movie already.

2. Aliens – Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, and Bill Paxton are astounding in this thrilling sequel to Alien that is ten times better than the original. People who claim that Ridley Scott’s film is far superior to Jim Cameron’s definitive take on the concept should be locked away. This is high quality science fiction with enough adrenaline to qualify as a thriller or an action film, but the setting and the bleak struggle for survival make this one a horror classic as far as I’m concerned.

3. Predator – Much of what I said in regards to Aliens could be repeated here, but I prefer Arnold’s bloody slugfest with a hunter from beyond the stars to Cameron’s riveting sequel. The supporting cast (including Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, Sonny Landham, and Jesse the Body) is phenomenal, and John McTiernan’s direction is flawless. The pace is unrelenting and the score is appropriately frantic. This is a thrill park ride with a captivating setting and enough demented violence to please any gorehound.

The Frightfully Funny Triple Feature

I’m a big fan of fright flicks that also tickle my funny bone, though it’s a tough trick to pull off. For every success like Evil Dead 2, there’s a terrible misfire like C.H.U.D. 2 or (shudder) Return of the Living Dead 2.

1. Tales from the Crypt presents Demon Knight – Billy Zane and William Sadler embrace the best roles of their respective careers in this unruly splatterfest. You will laugh your ass off when you’re not cringing as the first Tales from the Crypt feature proves to be every bit as entertaining as the finest episodes of the HBO show. It’s just too bad that Bordello of Blood wasn’t nearly as effective. Dick Miller nearly steals the show as Uncle Willie, and Thomas Haden Church shines in an early role.

2. Slither – Perhaps my favorite horror film of the last few years, Slither is a thrill-a-minute gross-out with enough subversive humor to keep you in stitches. Nathan Fillion and Elizabeth Banks lead a terrific cast in the funniest horror film since the headliner for this triple feature. Though the picture is exceptionally gross, it is also extremely well-made, and it never fails to amaze or excite.

3. Return of the Living Dead – This movie will never get old. Maybe it’s the cool premise, riffing on Night of the Living Dead while taking things in an entirely new direction. Perhaps it’s the punk sensibility that spills over into the soundtrack, or the wonderful banter, or the terrific special effects. Whatever it is that makes this movie so unique, it never fails to amuse me. I laugh from start to finish of this epic survival opus, and next to Halloween, there’s no film that I enjoy revisiting more during the spooky season. Those of you who think zombies that move at high speed arrived with the Dawn of the Dead remake obviously missed one of the finest romps ever filmed. This is certainly the finest ensemble ever to do battle with the dead, and the talent involved makes the most of this lunatic jaunt through a zombie apocalypse brimming with subversive humor.

The Nature Runs Amok Triple Feature

I don’t know why, but whenever films depict people being menaced by animals that could actually tear them to pieces, I find myself particularly involved. I have always loved these films, and the trio detailed here are my absolute favorites.

1. Piranha – Bradford Dillman battles hungry fish hell-bent on devouring the children at a nearby summer camp. Dick Miller also pops up in this loving homage to Jaws directed by Joe Dante, who went on to helm such classics as The Howling and Gremlins, as well as The ‘Burbs, my favorite Tom Hanks picture and a goofy thrill ride that deserves more credit. Piranha is Dante’s finest hour, a raw film produced on a minimal budget that delivers an abundance of thrills and chills. Terrific fun.

2. Kingdom of the Spiders – Killer spiders square off against The Shat in an epic low-budget horror film. Woody Strode makes an impression as the ill-fated Walter Colby, whose family and farm suffer one catastrophe after another as the spiders descend on Verde Valley, and John “Bud” Cardos delivers a film so overzealous that it threatens to become a farce at times. Still, it’s the fun-loving Captain Kirk himself who fuels the laughter, even elevating his game as the final reel becomes a surprisingly effective standoff against overwhelming odds.

3. Jaws – This shouldn’t come as a surprise, should it? How else would you top this triple feature off? Robert Shaw is Quint, devouring scenery and delivering some of the finest lines in the history of the cinema. Roy Scheider is every bit his equal as Brody, a determined everyman who stands tall in the face of every slight thrown in his direction. Richard Dreyfuss rounds out the cast with a delirious performance as a shark expert who gleefully embraces Amity’s misfortune in the hopes of glimpsing a Great White. Oh yeah, and that Steven Spielberg fellow directs, providing us with a film of such warmth and power that it may never be matched.

The Rock the Dead Triple Feature

Look out—the zombies are coming! Everyone loves a good zombie film, right? Well, maybe not everyone, but certainly everyone worth inviting to your triple feature.

1. 28 Weeks Later – Can you say intense? Why not start the night off by scaring the hell out of everyone? Robert Carlyle is at his gruesome best and this film is so brutal that everyone will look away at least once. Everyone except me, of course.

2. Zombie – So you thought 28 Weeks Later was rough, huh? Well, let’s turn up the heat. If you want to have a good time watching a zombie film, check out the Frightfully Funny Triple Feature topped off with Return of the Living Dead. When I’m putting together a Zombie Triple Feature, I’m steering clear of crap like Shaun of the Dead, and I’m pouring shots of the hard stuff for everyone interested. I’m watching zombies bite sharks and beautiful women whose eyes are slowly being gouged out by zombies using jagged shards of wood as weapons. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, skip this Triple Feature business and watch Zombie immediately.

3. Dawn of the Dead – Please don’t ask if I’m referring to the original. Of course I’m referring to the original! Hey, the new one’s okay, don’t get me wrong, but the old one is an American classic. This sequel to Night of the Living Dead proves that Romero is as intelligent and as gifted a director as anyone when he’s working without restraints and dealing with material that he loves. This gruesome social commentary is as moving as any picture and features some of the finest zombie mayhem of all time. There’s even a bikers versus zombies battle royale that boasts a young Tom Savini kicking lots of ass.

The Bizarre Chills Triple Feature

Sometimes the scariest films are those you can’t seem to make sense of. Here are three such pictures that are guaranteed to terrify and stupefy in equal measures.

1. Suspiria – Dario Argento was once a fine director, and here is the proof. Poor Susy Bannon takes up her studies at a dance school in Europe only to learn that her instructor are witches. Newcomers who enjoy this stylish and operatic spiral into madness may rush to check out the sequels, Inferno and Mother of Tears, but both should be avoided at all costs. Profondo Rosso aside, this is Argento’s scariest and bloodiest film, and perhaps his most offbeat, which is certainly an accolade of considerable measure given his body of work.

2. The Beyond – Is Fulci’s puzzling trip into a living nightmare a more impressive film than Argento’s Suspiria? I didn’t think so until I started preparing this list, but when I compared and contrasted the two, I found that this one was probably more unsettling for me. A decrepit hotel in Louisiana turns out to be the gateway to hell, and a variety of perverse and eerie deaths ensue. While Suspiria may be the superior film, the conclusion is somewhat lacking, robbing the story of some resonance. The Beyond, on the other hand, features one of the finest endings in the history of horror, and it comes only after a variety of gory deaths and some of the most frightening imagery of all time.

3. Phantasm – Here is another of those horror films that people come to love because of the cast of characters, an ice cream vendor and two brothers who are forced to battle a sadistic mortician from another dimension and his army of fiendish dwarves. Reggie, Mike, and Jody are among the finest protagonists ever to grace the celluloid, and Angus Scrimm delivers an iconic performance as the malevolent Tall Man. As the brothers and the ice cream vendor turned hero try to make sense of a baffling sequence of events wherein nothing is certain and every night brings a fresh dose of terror, audiences are forced to take the plunge with them. This means willfully committing themselves to a quirky spookshow filled with clever scares and directed with flair by Don Coscarelli, yet I find it to be a trip worth taking.

The Scared to Death Triple Feature

Maybe you’re not interested in having a good time with your Triple Feature. Maybe you’re looking to see just how much you can take. If that’s the case, I think you should dial up Satan and shudder your way through these terrifying offerings.

1) Angel Heart – Mickey Rourke takes on the worst case any private eye in any film has ever been forced to suffer through, and that’s saying something. Most people know of this film due to the provocative sex scene with Rourke railing Lisa Bonet (fresh from The Cosby Show) while blood drips from the ceiling. Don’t be deceived into thinking this is a peepshow, because the story is top-notch and Alan Parker is a magnificent director who does a fine job with this soulful blend of voodoo and film noir. The screen drips with menace, and as Rourke’s Harry Angel works his way closer and closer to the truth, we begin to hope that he won’t unravel the mystery after all.

2) Prince of Darkness – Carpenter didn’t need a massive budget or any legitimate stars to craft his most frightening film experience, the vastly underrated Prince of Darkness. A group of college students are drawn together to investigate a disturbing discovery at an old church that is home to a strange sect, The Brotherhood of Sleep. Carpenter has never been so effective, and despite the small budget, the effects are credible and the cast is game. It’s a Carpenter film, so you know the score is going to be on point, and the conclusion is as frightening as anything that precedes it.

3) The Exorcist – They call it the scariest film ever for a reason, and—at least in this instance—they are right. William Friedkin’s classic examination of a faltering priest’s agonizing battle with a young girl and the force that possesses her is a spellbinding piece that will go to any length to secure a scare. There are things that happen within this movie that will never be seen in another Hollywood blockbuster as long as movies are made. I treasure both this film and the book it was based upon, but I’ve only read the book once and I’ve only watched the movie three times. If I’m in the mood for a horror film, I frequently grab this dvd only to convince myself that I’m not ready to spend another night with Reagan and Father Karras just yet. Kudos to Ellen Burstyn for one of her finest performances as Reagan’s mother, and Max Von Sydow is the perfect choice for the title role. This is the scariest movie ever, and if you haven’t seen it, you should definitely do so this year while the ghouls and goblins are running free. Please don’t invite me over, though, because I’m not ready for another descent into the devil’s domain just yet.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed this attempt at providing you with a bill for your upcoming Halloween party, or a couple of bills for a couple of parties if you enjoy this time of year as much as I do. You can tweak the line-ups however you see fit, and you can debate my choices, but I think any of these bills would make for a hell of a night. Writing this piece has inspired me to enjoy some of these pictures I hadn’t contemplated watching this year, and I am definitely closing the season out with a night dedicated to enjoying John Carpenter’s finest.

Happy Halloween, kids!

James Wayland

Jimmybdamned@hotmail.com