How to be a Coffee Shop Artist.

Posted by: Tony – Jul 15, 2010

You saunter along the city block on your accustomed routine to the local library, when a red blinking hand holds you still just long enough for fate to shove your mediocre life into an aromatic cloud of luxury. In the coffee shop straight ahead you see the everyday leisure of coffee shop regulars. A whiff of today’s roast teases you relentlessly, begging you to meander from your path and join the fun. But as you slouch in baggy jeans and rub your dried out contacts, you suddenly realize these people have something special. They are coffee shop artists and they rule the coffee kingdom. You want to be one.

With equipment comes the look. Start with the skinny jeans, add a v-neck and a tight fitted hoodie. Accessorize with Vans, a studded belt and rectangular rimmed glasses. If it’s cold, a scarf and pea coat should be added to the look. Finally, use a shoulder side-bag to carry your laptop and other equipment in. This should be decorated with patches and pins of favorite bands, political views, and sarcastic and sexual connotations. Euphemisms are for suburbanites. Welcome to the city. As you find a location, develop the 'tude. Attitude spins a specific artistic ore which is important for any coffee shop atmosphere. You should be quiet, drowned in contemplation. Ignore all other ignorant adolescents who distinguish art as an infinitesimal waste of life. Your artistic intellect is too mature for their colossal naivety. Once you place your order, mark your territory. Find a secluded corner near a fire place, if there is one. An outlet is obligatory. How else will you be able to type your next freelance on a two-hour battery? Ideally, sit in a corner, with outlet, near a window. The window is crucial for pondering ways to out the latest corporation conspiracy. Now as a disclaimer, you should be aware of the fact that not everyone attending the same coffee shop is as well prepared and conversant as you. So, pick your battles.

Things that are bad: someone exasperatingly tapping their pen, vociferous inhabitants of the local hood, previously preppy, effervescent girls buying coffee to accelerate their liveliness, and obese lards who come solely for the fattening, calorie induced pastries. In the event these obstacles transpire, shoot them a menacing glare over your rectangular glasses and crank up your Indie rock on your laptop.

Things that are good: skinny members of the opposite gender assuming the same presence as yourself, friends accompanying your artistic endeavors, and interesting passersby. Engage in their constructive company and reservedly utilize them as your muse.

Finally, remember; keep your eye on the prize. Finish what you came here for. You may need a second cup of coffee. In the event this occurs remember your lingo and order away. Complete your assignment, slam your laptop shut, nonchalantly toss your cup of grande, nonfat, cappuccino, Sunday Special coffee in the garbage and sashay out the door. As the wind blisters through your hair and the chaos of a city walk rips you from your artistic reverie, cling to one solid truth; you are a coffee shop artist and this is where you thrive.

by Heather Grosse
photo found on http://www.latfh.com

DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed are soley of the author and do not represent RVA Magazine.