Taxi Confessionals: The flaming patron

by | Apr 21, 2015 | POLITICS

It was a sunny afternoon at around 4:30 when I was dispatched a trip to go pick up at a local bar.


It was a sunny afternoon at around 4:30 when I was dispatched a trip to go pick up at a local bar.

Upon arrival, I called out my patron. The bar answered and said they would bring him out. About 5 minutes later a lady comes out and says “Hold on baby! They’re waking him up now!” Soon thereafter 3 bar-backs come out carrying an older gentleman, who is obviously too intoxicated to walk.

They put him in the back of my cab, hand me $40 and say “Please get him out of here. He lives just around the corner” My response, “Great! Where is around the corner?” The bar-backs then proceed to try the get the guys address but unfortunately he is too intoxicated to talk as well. I then come up with the great idea to check his ID.

The moment they went for his wallet he was swinging fists, he’s incoherent but he knows your not supposed to touch his wallet! Finally the bar-backs get his info, I type the address into the GPS and sure enough the destination is right around the corner.

We get going and then I start seeing wisps of smoke. I didn’t have a cigarette lit and when I looked in the rearview mirror the passenger was passed out. I then looked over my shoulder and to my surprise the passenger was on fire! At some point he lit a cigarette and had it resting on his knee, which then caused his cargo pants to light up.

Just by chance, I had a bottle of water and doused it out. The passenger had no idea he was ever on fire! Upon arrival to the destination there was an elderly lady sitting on the front porch, looking rather confused that a taxicab pulled into her driveway.

Did he move and not change his address in his ID? Either way, I proceed to try to wake up my patron from his deep inebriation with no luck. I then get out of my cab and ask the woman if he lived there. Luckily he did and the elderly lady was in fact his mom.

I told her I couldn’t wake him up and I didn’t know what to do. She then comes off the porch cursing up a storm, upset with her drunkard son and tries to pull him out of the cab herself! I couldn’t just sit back and watch this so I came over and tried to help her. I didn’t know what dead weight was until that moment.

He wasn’t helping at all – no wonder it took 3 bar-backs to carry him out.

Me and his old lady tried to get him out for what seemed like forever and managed to get MOST of him out of the cab. She decided to call her other son that lived close and told me that I could go.

We got him far enough away from the cab to where I didn’t run him over when I pulled out.

The last I saw of him, he was laying face down in his driveway. By the time everything was said and done, the fare was a mere $6 on the meter.

I got a $34 tip and a great story.

Brad Kutner

Brad Kutner

Brad Kutner is the former editor of GayRVA and RVAMag from 2013 - 2017. He’s now the Richmond Bureau Chief for Radio IQ, a state-wide NPR outlet based in Roanoke. You can reach him at BradKutnerNPR@gmail.com




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Topics: Taxi Rides