It wouldn’t be Halloween in Richmond without a chat with GWAR, our town’s favorite crack addicted space demons.
It wouldn’t be Halloween in Richmond without a chat with GWAR, our town’s favorite crack addicted space demons. Sure enough, guitarist Pustulus Maximus was kind enough to beat up out editor, make him smoke some crack, and then answer a few questions about the holiday.
Maximus started off saying he was pretty depressed, despite the royal beating he’d given me. “I survived another night,” said the solemn guitar player as he wiped the post-beating sweat from his brow.
It appears even being in an awesome space band isn’t enough for some people… or aliens.
Check out Maximus talking about “Blitzkrieg Bop” in their video with AV Club below:
As for Halloween, Maximus said the band had already begun prepping for the event. They’d procured tons of crack, started putting razor blades in apples, and even raised some money to buy clown costumes for pedophiles “so they can spread joy in the community.”
Still bloodied, I asked him why his version of joy is so terrifying and he says the two, joy and terror, are often blurred together for him.
I blame the crack. But the blurriness makes sense – Maximus said he doesn’t remember much of his days from their home world, Scumdogia, but he does remember the last leader they had was an idiot billionaire who won using nationalist scare tactics. Their world was blown to smithereens only a few years later.
“So if there’s any foreshadowing there…” he said wistfully, looking up to the sky.
Maximus was also kind enough to offer some recipes for GWAR’s favorite Halloween cocktails – Anal Margaritas or Menstrual Bloody Marys.
“It’s very easy to make,” he said of the Anal Margaritas. “You take a regular margarita and shove it somebody’s ass. Then they funnel it back out. But the trick is fresh ice. When they shit it back out, you’ve got to use fresh crushed ice.”
As for the Menstrual Bloody Mary, well “that speaks for itself,” he said.
Any further party advice beyond drinks, Maximus said folks looking for a really good time should go out and get some fentanyl.
“It’s the new cocaine!” said the giant monster-alien-musician of the famed drug that killed Michael Jackson, Prince and countless others. “Give it a shot. You should try everything once. – doesn’t matter if shooting it, snorting it or boofing it. Heroin dealers should defiantly try it, for sure.”
Maximus also asked folks to keep an eye out for crack rocks that are disguised as candy corn. Evidently he and his bandmates make the concealed concoction for profit year round.
“That’s how we make all our money when we’re not on tour, really,” he said.
And parents, don’t worry, Maximus has some advice for your children as they go out this holiday as well.
“Feel free to let your children explore without the eye of big brother around them,” he said while actively smoking crack in the RVAMag office. “They’re self aware if they can walk and talk. They’ll be okay… Don’t be afraid to let them go into strange houses and accept beverages and food and glory holes. That’s all part of growing up.”
Maximus said he’s got about 500 children but he doesn’t know or care what they do for Halloween.
“I feel like my monthly check is enough,” he said. “They’ll be fine. You gotta think about it, if you’re just gonna go ahead and be a father to every kid that you ever made, there’d never be any tortured souls. There’d be no Charles Bukowskis of the world. You have to start life with a disappointment so it can’t get any worse… you could say I’m doing this for the arts community.”
It was a rare moment of profound clarity from a man who had smoked a three gram crack rock during our short interview.
So keep an eye out for some candy corn crack, anal margaritas and well costumed clowns eyeing children a little too much this year – it might be GWAR’s doing.
