Every Wednesday, Chris Bopst will be bringing his illustrious weekly column, which formerly ran in the pages of Brick, to RVA Magazine. This week, he begins in fine fashion, by seeing how much we’ll let him get away with.
Here’s a question for you. Under the threat of death, which would you rather do: eat your mother’s pussy or suck your father’s dick? A non-answer, an answer of “neither,” or “I would rather die,” results not only in your demise, but the slow, painful death of your parents as well.
To me, the answer is simple: I would eat my mother’s pussy. Given the unsavory nature of the incestuous proposal, I wouldn’t want to end the life or death situation with a homosexual conclusion. I mean, incest is bad enough. Adding homosexuality into the equation would really make everybody uncomfortable. Even if you are gay, with full parental support, the path of least nauseating resistance would be the heterosexual course of oral compliance, because a son sucking the penis of his maker, or a daughter eating the snatch from which she was spawned, would make an already bad situation that much worse.
And I know my father would expect me to eat my mother’s pussy.
Every Wednesday, Chris Bopst will be bringing his illustrious weekly column, which formerly ran in the pages of Brick, to RVA Magazine. This week, he begins in fine fashion, by seeing how much we’ll let him get away with.
Here’s a question for you. Under the threat of death, which would you rather do: eat your mother’s pussy or suck your father’s dick? A non-answer, an answer of “neither,” or “I would rather die,” results not only in your demise, but the slow, painful death of your parents as well.
To me, the answer is simple: I would eat my mother’s pussy. Given the unsavory nature of the incestuous proposal, I wouldn’t want to end the life or death situation with a homosexual conclusion. I mean, incest is bad enough. Adding homosexuality into the equation would really make everybody uncomfortable. Even if you are gay, with full parental support, the path of least nauseating resistance would be the heterosexual course of oral compliance, because a son sucking the penis of his maker, or a daughter eating the snatch from which she was spawned, would make an already bad situation that much worse.
And I know my father would expect me to eat my mother’s pussy.
That’s what today’s politics have become: an indecent proposal of revolting alternatives. In one corner you have Republicans, the party most responsible for the pitiful financial state of the country today, and the collection of chromosomal abnormalities known as the Tea Party movement. Only in a world of the deepest, darkest willful ignorance does this political, social and moral retardation thrive. In fact, you can’t even think about Republicans and the Tea Party bowel movement lucidly.
When my daughter was about 2 years old, we went to an art opening and she kept sticking her hands in an ice-filled cooler, saying that it was “hot” over and over again. I tried to explain to her in a calm, rational voice that the ice water wasn’t hot; the sensation she was feeling was appropriately referred to as “cold,” but to no avail. She kept saying it was hot. I gave up. It was no use arguing with her.
And that is the party of NO is a nutshell. They are in strict denial of reality. How else do you explain the frighteningly diminished brain capacity cases that actually believe Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly are astute political minds? Or that Republican stalwarts Eric Cantor, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, or Tea Party insurgents such as Christine O’Donnell, Rand Paul or Carl Paladino are looking after their best interests? If you make 200 grand and vote Republican, I understand. You are a greedy rich fuck voting for another greedy rich fuck. That much makes sense. What I do not understand is if you make less than 200 grand and cast your vote for a Republican. Don’t you realize what a disservice you are doing to your financial wellbeing? Logically speaking, it can’t be explained. If you do try to employ logic in a desperate attempt to comprehend the incomprehensible, you will give yourself a headache.
Either that, or you’ll come to the conclusion that these contemptible, blowhard dullards support these unabashed shills for corporate greed because they really, really hate the fact that our president is half n*****. [Editor’s note: For future reference, Chris, this is where we draw the line.]
My advice? Try not to think too much about it.
Anyway, what currently passes as the conservative movement is defined by its opposition to anything and everything the current administration proposes. That would all be fine and dandy if they offered viable alternatives, but the extent of their argument begins and ends with the declaration of no. Genius. And if they do offer anything beyond no, they present the same deregulation free market fantasies, trickle down economics, and cultural war crusades–where the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many–as cures for the very problems these ill-conceived and poorly implemented policies previously created. How they garner the support of the working classes is beyond my realm of comprehension when everything the party has done works against the Joe-The-Plumbers that support them.
Here’s a news flash, idiots. If the Republicans are in power, you have even less of a chance of ever being rich. Republicans hate your fucking guts.
In the other corner, we have the gutless pussies that make up the Democratic Party. They only get my vote by default because the alternative–Republican/Tea Party representation–is just too repugnant for me to consider. President Obama and the Democrats have done some good things over the last two years (health care reform, getting our asses out of Iraq, avoiding financial calamity, etc.), but everything they have passed has been of a thoroughly pussified nature. Obama came into office with strong public support, with both houses of Congress controlled by Democratic majorities, and yet, like the true pussies that they are, Democrats get bullied, manhandled and manipulated by crazy people. If they had any testicular fortitude, they would have used their majorities to pass badly needed legislation, rather than making watered-down concessions to placate big business and their cheerleaders in the lunatic fringe. Problem is, Obama is one of the boys. The same puppet masters that have controlled American presidents since Dwight D. Eisenhower continue to pull his strings. No real change will come until an American president is ready, willing and able to piss some rich tyrants off. Obama had his chance and he blew it.
So, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. See you in the voting booth.
Chris Bopst has been a fixture on the Richmond music scene for over two decades, playing in GWAR, the Alter Natives, and The Holy Rollers, among other bands. His free-form radio show, The Bopst Show, has existed for over a decade, appearing on multiple Richmond AM radio stations before becoming an internet podcast in 2008. Weekly episodes of the podcast can be found at rvanews.com, and the show does continue to air on KAOS radio 95.9 FM in Austin Texas, but that’s a long way from here, so you probably can’t find it on your radio dial.
