Let’s start here: don’t leave your baby in the car. Seriously. If your brain is cooked enough to forget a living being in a parked car during a Virginia summer, stay home. Put down the keys. This heat doesn’t mess around. A cracked window isn’t life support, not for your baby, your dog, your cat, your emotional support possum, and definitely not for your grandma.
Yeah, your grandma. Or your uncle. Or anyone with more birthdays behind them than ahead. You leave them in a car while you “just run in real quick”? That’s not real quick. That’s how people die. You want to be haunted by the ghost of Meemaw? Didn’t think so. Bring her inside.
It’s too damn hot. And since there’s no escaping it, you might as well lean into the madness. Here have a few terrible jokes to sweat through.
- It’s so hot, squirrels are carrying tiny portable fans.
- It’s so hot, the devil applied for a transfer.
- It’s so hot, my flip-flops melted to the sidewalk.
- It’s so hot, my deodorant filed for divorce.
- It’s so hot, the cicadas are asking for iced coffee.
- Why does sweat come from behind your knees?
Here’s your summer survival guide, Richmond edition:
– Call your grandma. Or better yet, go check on her.
– Drive past the James River with the AC on high. Don’t even get out. Just look.
– Hit a brewery, not for the vibes, but for the AC and the cold beer.
– Go to a restaurant, sit inside, and judge the poor souls baking on the patio.
– Attempt a pool visit, but make it tactical: SPF, hat, shade, hydration.
– Play a game called “How Many Margaritas Until I Don’t Feel This Anymore.”
– Netflix and Chill—no metaphors, just air conditioning and silence.
And again, for those in the back who maybe just woke up and missed the point: Don’t leave your baby in the car. Don’t leave your dog in the car. And don’t leave your grandma in the car. Ever. This heat kills. Respect it. Hydrate. Stay indoors. And check on the folks who might not say they need it.
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