Sammi Lanzetta is the front woman of Venus Guytrap, a radical feminist and generally a RVA rabble rouser who deserves your attention – so we gave her a platform here at RVA Mag to dispense advice on love and everything else you need help with.
Sammi Lanzetta is the front woman of Venus Guytrap, a radical feminist and generally a RVA rabble rouser who deserves your attention – so we gave her a platform here at RVA Mag to dispense advice on love and everything else you need help with.
If you’d like to submit your questions to Sammi, shoot her an email at LuridLanzetta@rvamag.com.
Hey Sammi, I just got a job as a server at a new restaurant and one of the bartenders keeps harrassing me to go out on a date. I’m not interested and I’ve told him as much but he refuses to take no for an answer – what should I do?
Sincerely, unnerved in Northside
Dear unnerved in Northside,
First off: harassment? In the service industry? Unheard of…. Personally, I would never bone anyone I work with… ever… seriously…. I have definitely never done that before. Especially not at a restaurant job….. Ahem….
Since he likes you so much, you should get him to teach you to bartend. Learn all the tricks of the trade for free. Go for the long con and collect dick pics over time while you send him pictures of your knees pushed together inside a bra like it’s your cleavage. One day, mention you have an anus fetish then conveniently switch your number with your boss’s in his phone and wait until he sends them a picture of his butthole. If he gets fired then you’re the one who knows how to make all the drinks now. Congratulations on your promotion.
If that’s not really your style I would definitely just agree to a very expensive date in which you drink at least 5 glasses of wine then make him pay for it. The next day at work you can tell everyone about how he was really into foot jobs and that just rubbed you the wrong way (if you know what I mean) and it was never meant to be.
I bet you will definitely never ever run into a scenario like this again in this line of work.
Love, Sammi
Hello Sammi! My boyfriend and I have been together about 6 months and a friend of mine said they saw him on Tinder recently – we don’t have an open relationship, what should i do?
Thanks, Riled up in Rhoads
Dear Riled up in Rhoads,
Why are you dating such a dumbass? You have to have the IQ of a banana peel to make a tinder during a relationship and think you can get away with it in a city smaller than the circumference of my butthole. No need to be angry though, because your idiot boyfriend has given you a great gift. The next step seems simple here: Catfish him.
Curate a tinder profile that entirely alludes to the fact that you are an art student who LOVES anal.
“Orchid. 22.
Aquarius. Vegan. VCU Comm Arts. Tumblr queen.
Swipe left if you have a picture of a dead fish in your profile!”
Pictures of anyone with dark hair, bangs, wearing a choker or next to a plant/Fiji water bottle will suffice. (Just make sure you have permission from the person to use them first . Tell them it’s for a good cause.) Once the stupid jack hole falls for it, find an excuse to tell him about that time you got your nipples pierced before your Figure Drawing class last week; it’ll let him know that you are unpredictable AND have pierced nipples.
Go on and talk about your career of selling handmade pins on Etsy (www.etsy.com), hitting your dad up to pay for your tattoos and casual cocaine habit, and a bunch of other shit he won’t really care about to make this all seem more authentic. Eventually this will all work in your favor and he will ask you to “Netflix and chill” on his face. Resist these requests and promise your boy some sweet, sweet, butt play if he first meets you publicly at Lamplighter for some coffee.
Plan a date and show up in a wig as yourself and watch his reaction. Then cut his dick off.
If this sounds like too much work you can also skip all these steps and go straight to cutting his dick off.
Love, Sammi
