Well, gather around, RVA, we’ve got some news to chew on — and no, we’re not talking about undead munchies. As the new season of a The Walking Dead spinoff series is about to land on our screens, another dubious marketing company has decided to give us something funny, and seeing that we did just get out of a global pandemic, a little terrifying : Richmond is ranked #33 out of the 200 largest U.S. cities best suited to surviving a zombie apocalypse.
The Rank and File
According to the ranking, Richmond came in at a pretty damn respectable 33rd place. Not bad, right? The ranking used five criteria to judge our survival prospects: Vulnerability, Hideouts, Supplies, Protection, and Mobility. They took into account everything from population density to access to “bunkers” and hunting gear stores.
We’re the Underdogs, Baby
Now, let’s talk about why we didn’t top the list. You see, the River City has its merits, but there are some pitfalls too. First off, let’s be real: Have you tried navigating through RVA during a standard rush hour, let alone when there’s a brain-eating horde chasing you? Mobility is clearly not our strongest suit. I-95 becomes a parking lot every evening — and that’s without panic-driven, apocalypse-induced traffic.
Vulnerability and Protection
When it comes to vulnerability, let’s be honest: Our city’s historical landmarks and cobblestone streets are beautiful, but they’re not exactly the fortress types, are they? They may give us a solid backdrop for Instagram selfies, but those won’t stop zombies. And as for protection, while we do have some hunting gear stores, it’s not like you can walk two blocks and find a zombie survival kit hanging next to local artisanal cheeses at your corner shop.
Hidden in Plain Sight
On the upside, Richmond does offer some excellent hideouts. Think about the Hollywood Cemetery; it’s sprawling, secluded, and full of nooks and crannies to evade capture. Of course, the irony of hiding from the undead in a cemetery isn’t lost on us, but desperate times, folks.
Supplies and More
We’ve got breweries and food trucks galore. Great for hipster survivalists, maybe less so for long-term planning. But hey, if the apocalypse is nigh, I’m grabbing a Bingo! Lager and a gourmet grilled cheese as my last meal.
To Sum It Up
So, there you have it. Richmond’s got a mix of advantages and drawbacks when it comes to surviving a zombie onslaught. But don’t let our 33rd ranking get you down. Remember, in The Walking Dead, it’s always the underdogs who surprise you.
Now go binge-watch the new series, knowing you’re in a city that’s at least somewhat prepared for the worst. Who knows, maybe by next year, we’ll have clawed our way up to the top 20. Until then, stay vigilant and keep that zombie survival kit updated, Richmond.
Image by Ana Itonishvili