Dear Café Darkness and Filthy Richmond,
I recently met a guy off Craigslist’s missed connections. It turns out it wasn’t me he was looking for but we started dating anyway. I found out he is a baby daddy and has two kids by two different women. His check is garnished for child support so it’s not like he’s not providing for them, but I’m just not sure how I feel about dating someone with kids. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Baby Daddies on Boulevard
Barista Says:
I highly recommend dating a single parent. Think of all of the excuses you could make in your relationship! He hasn’t called you in two weeks because he has reconnected with his kids and has taken them to Maymont and McDonald’s every day. He has no energy to make sexy because it’s exhausting helping little Johnny improve his spelling. He completely ignored your birthday because he was coaching his daughter’s soccer team. Girl, you could carry on this fantasy relationship for years. Grandma can pick on your single cousin Sally for the holidays this year. You got a man.
Dear Café Darkness and Filthy Richmond,
I recently met a guy off Craigslist’s missed connections. It turns out it wasn’t me he was looking for but we started dating anyway. I found out he is a baby daddy and has two kids by two different women. His check is garnished for child support so it’s not like he’s not providing for them, but I’m just not sure how I feel about dating someone with kids. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Baby Daddies on Boulevard
Barista Says:
I highly recommend dating a single parent. Think of all of the excuses you could make in your relationship! He hasn’t called you in two weeks because he has reconnected with his kids and has taken them to Maymont and McDonald’s every day. He has no energy to make sexy because it’s exhausting helping little Johnny improve his spelling. He completely ignored your birthday because he was coaching his daughter’s soccer team. Girl, you could carry on this fantasy relationship for years. Grandma can pick on your single cousin Sally for the holidays this year. You got a man.
TLW says:
As a single gal about town, I totally get it. Practically every decent chap is either gay, married or gay and married. It’s hard to meet a fellow who isn’t going to make you constantly listen to his collection of live Phish concerts until your ears bleed. As such, there comes a time when we all have to decide to either settle for whatever loser we’re currently dating, or go live our own lives. My vote is to just go ahead and marry him. The tax break is well worth it, and let’s face it, you’re not getting any younger.
Jocelyn says:
Everyone knows that men cannot totally give of themselves emotionally. The only way that guys can commit fully is with their time and income. So I’m sorry, but there’s no room in the relationship for your man to be sending his hard earned money off to some bitch he knocked up back when. If he loves you enough to lay with you now, then he should love you enough to abandon his own kids in favor of you. That’s the only way it’s fair. If his ex-wife was granted custody then those brats made their choice when they agreed to live with her like the court said. Your man needs to do the right thing and skip every scheduled visitation. Sooner or later his ex-wife will get pissed, remarry some toad she meets on eHarmony or whatever, and move away with her new husband and the kids forever.
Dear Café Darkness and Filthy Richmond,
Do you think Ken Cuccinelli will try to kill us all with his crazy?
Sincerely,
Earnestly Asking in the East End
Barista says:
Yes.
PS – Don’t blame me. I didn’t vote.
TLW says:
Yes.
PS-Blame Barista-she didn’t vote.
Jocelyn says:
Cool out, y’all…he’s not that dangerous! The Coochmeister’s just pandering to his conservative base. This is a group of folks who think that any protection granted to gays is just one too many. Any unchallenged initiative of the Democratic Party is an admission of failure. Where does this pandering end? It probably won’t! He’ll likely tell the schools to teach sex-ed straight from the bible. He will arrive at his own mother’s Sunday dinner wearing Pat Robertson’s skid-marked briefs like a yarmulke! Then he’ll drape himself in a rich black cloth, stand upon a pile of skulls, and ban sanitary abortions. Of course McDonnell will be right there with him, ball-gag in mouth, penis taped back, clutching a fistful of Morningstar brand vegetarian stem cells. No big whoop. Next question!
Dear Café Darkness and Filthy Richmond,
I’m new to Richmond but haven’t been able to make any friends. I tried hanging out with some people from work one night but they ended up trying to convert me to Scientology and made me eat Jell-O salad all night. Where is a good place to meet people around town?
Sincerely,
I need some friends in the Fan
Barista says:
I find that volunteering is a great way to get out and meet people and help our community. When I first moved to town, I worked the front desk at the SPCA. Those bitches never talked about me behind my back. And they all wanted to hang out with me all the time. I couldn’t even walk by them without getting sad eyes like all please-take-me-home-with-you-I-won’t-pee-on-your-floor.
If volunteering isn’t your thing – head to Buddy’s. The same 12 people are there every day. Go often enough and act like you give a shit about either UVA or VA Tech and you’ll have friends for life.
TLW says:
I’ve heard from non-natives that meeting people can be hard in the RVA. As such, I recommend you simply infiltrate an already established friend group. Say you’re so and so’s old roommate from VCU and you just moved back from Williamsburg. Please note: I mean Williamsburg as in Brooklyn, not as in the home of pottery, William & Mary, and boring history. Street cred will be established straight away and everyone will be enamored by your attempt to make it in the Big Apple. Plus also, Brooklyn?! I mean! Bonus points: you’ll have your choice of who to shag since you’ll be fresh meat. Sounds delicious! Enjoy!
Jocelyn says:
I’m not sure what you’re getting at here. Friendships only invite tedious obligations and other unwanted responsibilities. Who needs it? From your letter I can already tell that a practicing sociopath like myself will find and exploit you no matter what you do. We’ll sense your weakness and vulnerability. We’ll slowly lead you to believe that you’re too ugly or tense to attract real friends. Then we’ll convince you to either fly to South America for plastic surgery, or to relax at a Somalian “resort” owned by experienced kidnappers (both referrals offer generous kickbacks to folks like me). Now that I think about it, maybe I’m not the best person to be giving you friendship advice.
