It’s almost Valentines Day, the least-hip day of the fucking year. So whether you’re actually in a relationship, or maybe just juggling a few Tindr conversations, here’s some ideas on how to handle this stupid holiday.
It’s almost Valentines Day, the least-hip day of the fucking year. So whether you’re actually in a relationship, or maybe just juggling a few Tindr conversations, here’s some ideas on how to handle this stupid holiday.
1. Don’t do it on February 14th! That’s when everyone is doing it!
Why celebrate when everyone else is? Instead, go out on the 13th and let everyone know how you were there first! Honestly this is a pretty good idea: Reservations will be easier to get, last minute gifts won’t yet be sold out, and, best of all, if you forget your plans you can just reschedule for actual Valentine’s Day!
2. Show how much you don’t care by gifting something ironically.
May I suggest this “Shit Bitch You Is Fine” teddy bear? Nothing says “I care about you” more than mild cultural appropriation and words that are, at face value, sort of insulting. You might both be feminists, but saying “bitch” is okay here, I swear!
A teddy bear not right for you and your boo? How about some weird ass “sex checks”? It’s a way safer way to pay than with cash. When you’re in the mood, make sure you have your account number and photo ID handy.
3. Pick some fucking weeds, don’t get store-bought flowers.
Anyone can walk into a store and exchange money for flowers. But you’re special, you’re a true individual, and so is your partner. Go to the side or median strip of a highway near your home and acquire some one-of-a-kind “flowers” by pulling any all weeds you may find there.
This uniquely curated experience made authentically for your partner. Were there enough buzzwords in that sentence?
4. Pick some fucking weed, call up your dealer.
Why not share your romantic day and get a good deal at the same time? You’ll have to smoke out your dealer, but you all get high and you get to score some inexpensive weed. Everybody wins.
Even though your dealer is probably in a relationship with some crusty gross person, they’ll be free because you’re not even celebrating on the 14th! I say that you should spend as much time with your dealer on your own personal Valentine’s as you can.
5. Don’t pick up a bottle of wine, that’s what everybody’s doing.
Instead, you should pick up some local microbrew beer so everyone knows how fucking indie you are. Get your hipster asses down to Mekong and drink up suds from all sorts of breweries from right here in the River City. May I suggest the Hardywood Sidamo Coffee Stout, released again this Valentine’s at 2PM? It’s really fucking good.
6. Don’t buy jewelry! Instead, get some gross shit on etsy.
People say that the best thing to do for one another is making each other stuff, but screw that! Nothing says “I care” like this weird musical book of Christmas Carols from etsy that was originally issued by a bank in Richmond in 1952!
Still not convinced? Why not get your significant other some fetus soap? Get yourself clean with this mixture of chemical and goat soaps made into the shape of a fucking fetus. I wish I was kidding. There’s never been anything weirder sold on etsy, and that’s saying something!
Remember you only own things ironically, so giving these conversation pieces as gifts will only help your indie cred!
7. Make sure you call each other out on inequalities. Justice never rests.
Social justice isn’t something you get to turn on and off for something as trivial as a holiday. If your partner says something problematic this Valentine’s Day, make sure you call them out on it. Nothing says “I love you” like really saying “You’re a racist”. When you get home, make sure to add it to their “yourfaveisproblematic” entry on tumblr!
