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Meme-ing Our Way Through The Outbreak

Aviance Hawkes | March 26, 2020

Topics: coronavirus, covid 19, Humor, laughing to keep from crying, memes, Pandemic, quarantine

In which we look for amusement in the midst of panic by turning to the creative image manipulators of the internet.

Coronavirus has killed thousands of people and sickened hundreds of thousands (if not millions) more around the world. It has also caused mass hysteria, and public health is on the brink. For obvious reasons, keeping a positive attitude gets difficult at times like this.

While you’re sitting alone in forced or self-imposed quarantine because of this pandemic, though, it’s worthwhile to try and find some light in the current situation. Therefore we have assembled this compilation of popular (don’t use the five-letter V word, please), amusing memes on the topic of COVID-19 and everything it has led to. Although this piece is for entertainment, that does not take away from those who are infected. Please be respectful and mindful, as this is still such a serious matter.

Warning: The following images in this article contain unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and strong language (which may be unsuitable for children). Basically, this compilation might not be suitable for anyone.

To Bidet, Or Not To Bidet?

Jonah Schuhart | March 19, 2020

Topics: bidet, bidet richmond va, bidets richmond va, comedy, community, coronavirus, covid 19, covid19, diy bidet, Humor, make a bidet, portable bidet, richmond va, things to do richmond va, toilet paper, toilet paper richmond va, WTF

If you’re counting pennies or just can’t find any toilet paper in the stores, it’s the bidet’s day today. The Internet has some DIY tutorials to upgrade your bathroom, so let’s have a laugh and get through this pandemic together. 

OK so, worst case scenario. That mighty fiend coronavirus has paid this country a visit, and while this pandemic may not be the dramatic, deadly plague or the flesh-eating disease we all conjured in our imaginations, it’s still a pretty serious issue. Accordingly, things have been getting pretty tense as COVID-19 spreads. Folks have been hitting the stores hard, taking everything they can get to quarantine themselves until it blows over (whenever that happens). So, maybe it’s a good idea to stock up… just in case. Either that, or you just really need to go grocery shopping.

Regardless, you head to the store for the basics: food, shampoo, toilet paper. But wait! As you turn into the TP aisle, you are shocked to find the shelves barren and woefully lacking in depictions of the Charmin Bears. You desire to be “clean,” but the cleanest thing in the world right now are the store shelves, and the behinds of those lucky enough to beat the toilet paper rush.

You probably already know by now, but this is no isolated incident. All over the country, TP has been flying off the shelves, as if every roll in the U.S. downed a Red Bull and grew wings. According to Business Insider, Walmart, Amazon, and Target all almost ran out of that cottony goodness last week. So, in this new post-corona world, where wealth is measured in toilet paper and Purell, what can a broke person do to keep their hygiene game on point? 

The answer: the bidet — that swanky French invention that does to your butt what power washers do to driveways. For the uninformed, it’s kind of like a mini-toilet that one sits on after using the main toilet. Once sat upon, the bidet promptly sprays the user clean with a jet of water. It’s fairly popular in countries like Japan, but here in the U.S., people don’t seem very fond of the idea. If the Buzzfeed video above is any indication, initial exposure to the bidet is met with shock and discomfort, followed by mixed responses from users.

But it’s not all cold water jets and uncomfortable sensations. Bidets actually have some luxurious qualities. The nicer models come with things like seat-warmers, warm water streams and blow-dryers. Some even have night lights for the valiant people who do their night-time business standing up. Bidets are also extremely hygienic, arguably better for the environment, and completely eliminate the risk of TP particulates being left behind. So, if you want to survive Coronavirus with not just a clean rear, but the cleanest rear in the solar system, then perhaps a bidet is right for you. 

Except that there’s one more problem. These things can be fucking expensive. Home Depot sells low-end bidets at around $200. High-end models can cost you $2,500. That’s a hard bargain just for a machine that does what your outdoor garden hose can do for free. 

Effective? Yes. Sanitary? Questionable. Watch here.

Luckily, for those who are broke and unwilling to bare themselves in front of the neighbors as part of the wiping process, there are alternatives. There are handheld nozzles and bidet-seat attachments on Amazon for as low as $20. These are simple contraptions which lack many of those luxurious features I mentioned earlier (unless you want to dish out more money). Still, they get the job done. 

But let’s say you’re really broke. Like, “I look at pictures of other food while I try to make my Top Ramen feel like more of a meal” broke. Then, once again, there are other options. Forbidden options. Well, perhaps not forbidden… but certainly morally, logically and hygienically questionable alternatives. These are the DIY options. 

(WARNING: Even if these work, I’m not insisting you try them. And if they don’t work, please don’t shoot the messenger.)

You can find them all over the Internet. Images of garden hoses, detachable shower heads, and squeezable water bottles, all modified to work as in-home bidets. The YouTube video above shows us a few ideas, and even teaches you how to make them. Obviously, he explores various versions of the squeeze-bottle design (which has the benefit of being portable). He uses everything from Dasani bottles to proper plastic canteens. However, I believe his most compelling design is in his modification of the dental oral irrigator, aka Waterpik. With some plastic tubing and some tape, this YouTuber fashions a fairly impressive product that looks as if it could spray with the best of them.

But while it looks effective enough, it is somewhat unsightly — and also begs the disturbing question, “Does he still use that Waterpik to clean his teeth?” We can only hope and pray that he does not. The idea certainly betrays the desire for hygiene, which I think is truly the essence of the bidet’s beauty.

This one looks a little too complicated.

Hopefully none of us are trapped in a situation which might necessitate the construction of one of these devices. I certainly feel like people should strive to have their rear-ends cleaned by something more noble than a shampoo bottle — it’s the bathroom equivalent of a college student converting an empty milk jug into a bong. But if every one of us was to be corona-quarantined for months, and our national toilet paper reserves become dangerously depleted, a person can hardly be judged for testing their natural ingenuity by making their recyclables into a valuable tool. It’s a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes from having a clean bum.

Top Image via uclaeconomics/YouTube

Tearing Down Toxic Masculinity with The Art of Self Defense

Samuel Goodrich | August 1, 2019

Topics: comedy, cult films, dojo, film review, Humor, jesse eisenberg, karate, masculinity, movie, movie review, riley stearns, the art of self defense, Toxic Masculinity

In his latest film, director Riley Stearns takes on deceptive ideologies to shock audiences with humor and horror. 

In our modern age of fast information and lack of fact-checking, it has become easier than ever to indoctrinate and brainwash populations. This is seen in the rise of the Alt-Right in particular, as well as the general rise of extremist groups online — where misinformation spreads to millions of unsuspecting people. There are a few ways to combat this spread, but one way is through informative and entertaining art. 

Riley Stearns’ dark comedy film, The Art of Self Defense, combats deceptive ideologies with deadpan humor and clear metaphors. Using these methods and some great central performances, Stearns manages to make a hilarious and timely film that will shock audiences with laughter and horror. 

The film follows Casey, played by Jesse Eisenberg, a 30-something introvert aimlessly flowing through life as an accountant. One night, Casey is brutally mugged and left with physical and emotional scars. Tired of being too scared to step outside, Casey finds confidence in a strip mall karate dojo. 

The dojo is run by Alessandro Nivola’s comically-serious Sensei, who takes Casey under his wing to teach him how to defend himself and become more masculine. The spark he sees in Casey is not that of a skilled martial artist, but an easily persuaded follower. 

The Art of Self Defense explores the dark sides of toxic masculinity, harmful cult-like behavior, and even comments on gun violence in America. While all of these subjects are bleak, and have been the basis for countless serious films, director Riley Stearns has gone in the opposite direction. He instead has made a darkly-comedic film — one that finds equal amounts of humor and horror in the ridiculous yet sadly familiar scenarios it depicts. 

The performances and pacing of the film are similar to the style of Yorgos Lanthimos’ films, like The Lobster or The Favourite. Characters speak in deadpan tones, spouting laughably informational and detailed dialogue. The comedy is mostly dry, with laughs coming from the unusual nature of the performances. 

Stearns manages to find his own voice, taking Yorgos’ basic template and making something a bit more outrageous and obvious. His unique flourishes can be seen in the main performances from Eisenberg and Nivola, with both actors knowing when to emote and when to remain emotionless. Eisenberg especially manages to convey some character in his stilted performance, making it easy to sympathize with him. 

Eisenberg’s performance is the emotional backbone of the film, and what makes the tonal shift in the middle work so well. The first half of Self Defense is a fairly goofy, if odd, comedy full of memorable characters and jokes. On its own, this section of the film is fun, bizarre, and worthy of a cult following. 

The second half presents a darker, more thematically-charged side to the film, which took me by surprise. It shows the ulterior motives of the dojo, which begins to feel more like a cult than an instructional institution. The film itself turns in a very intense manner, and left me unsure whether I should find its events funny or sickening. After seeing the rest of the film, I believe it’s a little bit of both. 

The way the plot escalates is comically ridiculous, yet the way it plays out in the film is engaging and somewhat horrific. This is thanks to the development of Casey, who we can easily invest in — we want to see what happens to him. Because of this engagement, and the skill with which the film balances its conflicting tones, The Art of Self Defense becomes an infinitely more interesting film. 

PHOTO: Bleecker Street Media, The Art of Self Defense Trailer

At the heart of the dojo’s mission is a promotion and celebration of toxic masculinity. Everything must be masculine: you should listen to heavy metal, you should own a German dog, you should change your name and identity to seem more manly. The way Casey is indoctrinated into this way of thinking is very similar to the way people are brainwashed into cults, or convinced that harmful communities are worth joining. 

The film explores how vulnerable people can easily embody harmful ideologies in situations where a sense of community and simple confidence boosters are enough to convince them that changing their identity is acceptable. While the film understands how scary these ideologies and their practices are, it also understands that their hypocrisy and unwavering dedication to falsehoods is comical.

It understands that making something ridiculous — like turning an 80’s style karate dojo into a metaphor for the harms of toxic masculinity — can expose what’s wrong with it, while also taking away its power. 

The Hustle Season Podcast: Ep. 71 Did I Offend You?

Kelli Strawbridge | March 23, 2019

Topics: Humor, hustle season, music, podcast, podcasts, richmond, RVAPodcasts, virginia

RVA Magazine is proud to showcase The Hustle Season Podcast every Saturday afternoon. Produced at La Cocina Studio in Richmond, VA; homegrown musicians Kelli Strawbridge, Reggie Pace, James Seretis (La Cocina’s engineer) & Gabriel Santamaria bring their irreverent, outspoken and at times thoughtful opinions to the masses. Focusing on pop culture and politics both locally, nationally, sometimes otherworldly – join in as the guys try to figure out what’s going on this week. 

Disclaimer: All opinions expressed by The Hustle Season Podcast are solely their current opinions and do not reflect the opinions of RVA Magazine or Inkwell Venture Inc.

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