Now that winter’s on the way, sweaters are making their way out of closets. Sweaters are, of course, one of the greatest cold weather accessories ever designed by mankind. Snug fit or loose fit, knitted fleece or wool. Even acrylics these days can come out soft and looking sharp. The strong point of the sweater is it’s ambiguity of style type. Sweaters can be worn casually with a pair of sneakers and jeans, or they can pair up with a nice jacket, pants and boots. They have the ability to pull together a look that otherwise wouldn’t work. However, pick the wrong sweater and you might as well hang yourself with it. Here’s a few sweater types that belong on the bargain rack at Fantastic Thrift.
Now that winter’s on the way, sweaters are making their way out of closets. Sweaters are, of course, one of the greatest cold weather accessories ever designed by mankind. Snug fit or loose fit, knitted fleece or wool. Even acrylics these days can come out soft and looking sharp. The strong point of the sweater is it’s ambiguity of style type. Sweaters can be worn casually with a pair of sneakers and jeans, or they can pair up with a nice jacket, pants and boots. They have the ability to pull together a look that otherwise wouldn’t work. However, pick the wrong sweater and you might as well hang yourself with it. Here’s a few sweater types that belong on the bargain rack at Fantastic Thrift.
Turtle necks. Contrary to what some people believe, these sweaters aren’t making a come back any time soon. A mid-neck rise is acceptable, but once you make your way to the full neck covering, your only excuse is that you are 17 and trying to hide your first hickey. Or you’re 45 and your trying to hide your last hickey from a 17-year-old. If you aren’t an international spy and you’re wearing one of these, chances are you spend a considerable amount of time masturbating in your car at the local children’s playground.
The half sleeve sweater. I actually want to know what the designers were thinking when they made this one. “I’ve got an idea. Let’s create a garment specifically for cold weather, except vastly less effective.” Luckily for them there are enough morons out there that they actually sold a few. How much effort does it really take to push the sleeves up on a regular sweater? About 4 seconds of time and 8 inches of movement. It takes a powerful combination of stupid and lazy to skip that step and buy the pre-cut version. It’s like having the option of a convertible car, but choosing to get a hard top with the roof cut off.
Half-zip sweater. To be honest, zippers don’t belong on a sweater in the first place. Sweaters are regal and refined. They are a tip of the hat to a garment that is centuries old, made from a technique that spans millennia. Clinky, dangly bits of metal don’t belong, especially if you can’t even open up the front of the garment. What are you supposed to use that 5-inch zipper for anyways? Is it to show off the matching shitty tie and button down set from Abercrombie? Is it to get the sweater on without messing up that sweet gelled hairdo bro? Either way it sucks. If you use words like champ, pal and bud to address strangers in conversation, you probably own a couple of these.
Nothing says I’m 35, work at Dillards and live with my mom like an argyle sweater vest. People should really start referring to the argyle pattern as Hyperactive Vaginal Repellent (HVR). Yes, it has the nostalgic heritage of 17th century Scotland, but shitty department stores have ruined that for America. Argyle sweater vests are for men who are dressed by their girlfriends to keep them from cheating. Monasteries should make these mandatory garb for monks to help keep them celibate. Go ahead and ask yourself: Do you want to be a part of this club? Exactly.
There are a ton of awesome sweaters out there, but shopping for sweaters can be dangerous territory. Buying a sweater these days is like walking through a mine field to get to a goldmine. The reward is great if you can make it to the other side, but make a mistake and it will blow up in your face.
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not reflect RVA Magazine editorial policy. Additionally, they are presented for humorous purposes, so don’t take this shit too seriously.
By Britt Sebastian of Under The Radar, Ink
