Summer has officially started and the Earth is throwing a massive global heat wave to get the party started.
ed. note: Its going to get hot this weekend with peak temperatures hitting 100 this Sunday! Be safe out there. Also, check out the Pete Hume Substack Five Song Friday HERE
How hot IS it?
I’m glad you asked.
It’s so hot… that the cup of ice water (50% ice and 50% water) I left in my car yesterday is now 100% water!
It’s so hot… that I will NOT be wearing long pants today. Or my favorite Irish fisherman’s sweater. Or socks. In fact, please call before you come over to my house. I don’t want you to see anything you might regret.
It’s so hot… that my ice cream cone caught fire. And when I tried to put it out by eating it really quickly, the sprinkles ignited my beard and made the whole situation a million times worse!
It’s so hot… that they “had to” shave all of the spider monkeys at the zoo. But I have a friend who works there and said not really, there was just this one zookeeper who has been waiting forever for a good excuse to do it.
It’s so hot… that gardening experts are recommending you only water your lawns with new Limited Edition Lightning Blast Gatorade, available exclusively at Circle K.
It’s so hot… that your mom called and asked me to “check her central air.” I said, ma’am, I am not a HVAC specialist. And she said, “I’m not looking for an HVAC specialist” in this really sexy voice. So I said, then WHY did you call me?
It’s so hot… I saw an adult dog cooling itself off in a kiddie pool like a goddamn HUMAN CHILD!
It’s so hot… that our local weatherman started yelling about breaking high temperature records and then he started breaking ACTUAL records over his head and then he ripped his shirt off and started crying. It was intense.
It’s so hot… that when I peeled out of the grocery store parking lot, my car left flaming tire tracks, exactly like in Back to the Future! Except I didn’t time travel and I may have caught several cars on fire.
It’s so hot… that five birds just exploded in my front yard and now I know that birds are made mostly of feathers and blood. So. Much. Blood.
It’s so hot… that instead of driving around the neighborhood, the ice cream man just parked in the shade. But after idling for hours to keep his AC running, he died from carbon monoxide exposure. Sad news. But on the upside, free ice cream!
It’s so hot… that some trendy restaurants are now serving bowls of “Snowball Soup,” which, it turns out, is nothing more than a bowl of crushed ice topped with a dollop of creamy avocado yogurt and some fresh mint. Pro tip: Save yourself a TON of money by bringing your own creamy avocado yogurt and mint and just ask for a bowl and a glass of ice water!
It’s so hot… that sweating is the new “not sweating.”
It’s so hot… that all the joggers in my neighborhood are walking and all the walkers are standing still and begging strangers to put popsicles down their pants.
It’s so hot… that during a sold-out performance of Cirque du Soleil, a clown melted. And it wasn’t at all as funny as it sounds. Especially for the children in the front row.
It’s so hot… that public pools are now public hot tubs and you won’t BELIEVE how many new diseases you can get just from drinking the water.
It’s so hot… that pigs are like, oh man, can you SMELL me? I smell delicious.
It’s so hot… that after years of mocking fishnet tank tops, I have come to realize the error of my ways. It was never about accepting the shirt. It was about loving myself.
It’s so hot… that major cities are opening cooling shelters inside community centers and schools, but also ice rinks, meat lockers and in Norway.
It’s so hot… that on the streets of Washington DC, a political protester set himself on fire and the people around him were just like, oh that guy should have worn more sunscreen.
It’s so hot… that the floor is literally lava.
It’s so hot… that the coolers at the morgue broke down and basically became corpse ovens. Tragic for so many families, but a wonderful surprise for the one guy working there who is a secret cannibal.
It’s so hot… that old people are saying, “You call this a heat wave? I remember the summer of 1936,” right before they burst into flames.
It’s so hot… that the face of every squirrel in my neighborhood looks like Conan O’Brien eating spicy wings on that episode of Hot Ones.
It’s so hot… that commercial fishing boats are pulling pre-steamed shrimp and lobsters out of the ocean. It’s absolutely devastating for their business, but super yum-yum in their tum-tums!
It’s so hot… that heat strokes are causing way more deaths than regular strokes. And regular strokes are like, whatever. Winter is coming, motherfuckers. See you in December.
It’s so hot… that I saw Ben Affleck drinking a Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew from Starbucks.
It’s so hot… that just being outside for one hour can lead to cramps, swelling, and fainting! Thanks Obama.
Five Song Friday #118
“Sure Shockin’” – Buck 65
Buck 65 had me at Cousin Greg. But since a random snippet of dialogue from Succession does not a song make, he carried on. He added some fresh beats, samples, sick breaks and lyrics that drop cool names like “Thor,” “Tutankhamun,” and “Lao Tzo.” And after baking in an oven at 350 for 45 minutes, the man had himself a song!
“Did Somebody Tell Me” – Polish Club
You can’t get into a Polish club unless your last name has a ‘Z’ in it somewhere, preferably mashed up with a bunch of other consonants. It has to be a name that makes people nervous laugh at the idea of trying to pronounce it. If you’re Polish you shouldn’t take it personally. Your vocabulary is bananas. After all, you come from a place where the words “Źdźbło,” “Szczebrzeszyn” and “Następstw” exist. So cut our tongues some slack.
“Oscar” – Sulek
While this song seems like a fun indie ditty about slackers hanging out in San Antonio without money or a plan, it’s actually a shamelessly pro-Arby’s anthem crafted to get us to eat more meats. And I’m okay with that.
“You Must Change Your Life” – David Wax Museum
Here’s the idea. Cue this song up so it wakes you up on the morning after a night of really bad choices and risky behavior. When the alarm goes off and your headache feels like a hot log splitter jamming your noodle… when you realize you left your soiled khakis back on the dance floor… when you’re missing two teeth and one pinky finger… and when you realize the person in bed next to you is not even a person, but a very sexy balloon animal… this song will help. Inspiring!
“Sky Is a Bed” – The Humble Cheaters
Even if my bed WAS the whole entire sky, these two stupid dogs would still think it was okay to sleep right on top of me. Sigh.
by Pete Humes
Follow the Pete Hume Substack Five Song Friday HERE
Photo illustration by R. Anthony Harris
