Facebook: The last refuge of the drab and glib, a social platform that has become as boring as it has ostracized; no more news, no more slapdash over news, outrage that is limited by a new algorithm that no one understands. Where has all the Facebook shenanigans and tomfoolery gone? Well, look no further than the vast array of Hurricane Florence event listings and their subsequent conversations. They are as glorious as they are clever.
Given the trajectory of the storm, those intrepid souls who are not out hoarding supplies or doomsday prepping in both South and North Carolina and our own Virginia, have been at home creating these events and they are everything on this dreary Wednesday.
Shooting Guns At Hurricane Florence To Scare It Away
With 20,000 attending and 51,000 interested, this event was planned for Richmond with the details quoted as, “Get your guns and your umbrellas. And your umbrella-guns, and your beer, and your beer-guns, and your tiny umbrellas to keep your beer dry, and join people from all along the East Coast in scaring away Hurricane Florence to protect our country from this foreign invader! Note: do not actually discharge firearms into the air. You could kill someone and you cannot frighten a hurricane. I cant believe I actually have to write this.”
Some of the best posts on the event listing can be found below:
Playing Nickelback & Creed to Scare Hurricane Florence Away
Nickelback and Creed aren’t just bands, they’re a lifestyle. Hosted by the august “Dank North Carolina Memes,” the event has 640 people confirmed with another 2,100 interested. The details of the event, with a callback to a classic Creed title, are as follows, “We do not welcome Hurricane Florence with arms wide open… Puddle of Mudd, Limp Bizkit, Hinder, and Buckcherry can also be played over your loudspeakers pointing directly at the Hurricane.”
Some of the best posts on the event listing can be found below:
Sacrifice Kids who went Abroad to Florence to Stop the Hurricane
Study abroad is a right of passage for American youth everywhere. The pros: A lifetime of memories, cultural immersion, and making America great overseas. The cons: Having to listen to the same youth talk about how cultured they are when they return. Something this Facebook event originating out of Georgetown University got 100 percent correctly when they said, “We all hate rain, but the only thing worse than rain is the kids who studied abroad and won’t stop talking about it. In order to rid our society of two great plagues, please join us to sacrifice everyone that won’t stop talking about the limoncello, gelato, and fresh pasta they ate in Florence.” While the event has 266 confirmed attendees and 469 interested, unfortunately, no one has actually contributed to the conversation.
Listen to Florence & the Machine as Hurricane Florence Wrecks DC
In an obvious move, those in Washington D.C. are hoping to brave and ultimately conquer this storm by rocking out to the sweet, sweet, sweet melodies of Florence and the Machine. And with 1,700 confirmed attendees with another 6,600 on deck, this event will not disappoint. While lacking some of the lackluster and gusto of other events, the listing does encourage you to, “Listen to Florence and the Machine in the comfort of your home while the hurricane hits!” which is never a bad idea.
Some of the best posts on the event listing can be found below:
This is Just Adorable
Hire MGK to Diss Hurricane Florence
Norfolk, which might be one of the locations most impacted by the torrential torrents of terror, was sure not to be out-done and is now planning an event whereby rapper “MGK”, aka, Machine Gun Kelly, will “diss” the incoming hurricane. No further details were offered by the organizers, yet 352 people have agreed to attend with another 1,200 weighing their options. That Eminem diss video certainly shook things up.
Some of the best posts on the event listing can be found below:
Destabilize Hurricane Florence By Running Around It Really Fast
South Carolina, another potential epicenter for this insufferably savage storm, has come up with an event which is as ingenious as it is daring and bold: run around the storm clockwise really fast. While only seven people have agreed to this dastardly brilliant plan with another 23 potentially considering it, the events organizers have observed, “Hurricane Florence is rotating counterclockwise at speeds of up to 150 mph. This means that if we can get enough people to run that same speed around it in a clockwise direction, we should be able to weaken and possibly destroy the storm…Theoretically.”
There is only one conversation point, which sums up this event in its entirety.
There you have it Virginia, South Carolina, North Carolina, and Washington D.C., all the events you will ever need to weather (zing!) this stormy apocalypse. Be sure to check out RVA Mag’s survival guide and good luck out there.
