At the end of February I embarked on a three-day cruise from Miami to Nassau packed with families, geriatrics, lost souls, gluttony, aquatic hedonism, and some of the best contemporary rock bands in the United States. I am, of course, talking about the Bruise Cruise. Having seen the majority of the acts on the bill for this cruise festival, it was a no-brainer for me to shovel out the six hundred dollars plus travel expenses to witness what I fondly referred to as “The Epicenter of Rock N’ Roll.” Now, if the Black Lips, Vivian Girls, Thee Oh Sees, The Strange Boys, Turbo Fruits, Quintron and Miss Pussycat, Ty Segall, Surfer Blood, and Jacuzzi Boys aren’t your idea of good music, you didn’t miss much. But, if you happen to be into these groups, then you probably drink a lot, enjoy craziness without an inkling of care for ridicule, and almost never pass up a chance to go broke over a good time. By the way, if you don’t believe people actually go broke over a good time, I met two guys from Montreal who spent all their savings on the Bruise Cruise and were just going to “figure it all out” following our return to the United States–even though they would be in the country illegally, without any means of getting back to Canada. Those are the people I always want to party with, and those are the people I did party with on the Bruise Cruise. Reckless, lost, dirty, drunk, horny, and more than willing to bum you their last smoke and talk underground music at any hour of the day. Fucking class acts in my book.
At the end of February I embarked on a three-day cruise from Miami to Nassau packed with families, geriatrics, lost souls, gluttony, aquatic hedonism, and some of the best contemporary rock bands in the United States. I am, of course, talking about the Bruise Cruise. Having seen the majority of the acts on the bill for this cruise festival, it was a no-brainer for me to shovel out the six hundred dollars plus travel expenses to witness what I fondly referred to as “The Epicenter of Rock N’ Roll.” Now, if the Black Lips, Vivian Girls, Thee Oh Sees, The Strange Boys, Turbo Fruits, Quintron and Miss Pussycat, Ty Segall, Surfer Blood, and Jacuzzi Boys aren’t your idea of good music, you didn’t miss much. But, if you happen to be into these groups, then you probably drink a lot, enjoy craziness without an inkling of care for ridicule, and almost never pass up a chance to go broke over a good time. By the way, if you don’t believe people actually go broke over a good time, I met two guys from Montreal who spent all their savings on the Bruise Cruise and were just going to “figure it all out” following our return to the United States–even though they would be in the country illegally, without any means of getting back to Canada. Those are the people I always want to party with, and those are the people I did party with on the Bruise Cruise. Reckless, lost, dirty, drunk, horny, and more than willing to bum you their last smoke and talk underground music at any hour of the day. Fucking class acts in my book.
Bruise Cruise organizer Michelle Cable
It all began around April of last year when Michelle Cable, head of Panache booking agency, and Jonas Stein, vocalist and guitarist of the Turbo Fruits, concocted the rock n’ roll shit-storm that would become the Bruise Cruise. The impetus for the festival lay in a trip Jonas took years back–the Motley Cruise. I’ll let him take it from there. “My pops is in the music industry, and I’ve been introduced to special events on these cruises through one of my father’s artists that he worked with. I got a special price and went on one of them, and I had a blast on it. The only thing that could’ve made it better [was] if I would’ve had all my own people on it. I guess it’s kind of a selfish idea of mine, because I wanted to play on a cruise ship with my band. I took the idea to Michelle, and she’s taken it to the moon and back.” Michelle had never been on a cruise before, and dug Jonas’ idea. They brainstormed and came up with an idea for a rock cruise focused around friends and colleagues. “Between the bands I work with and the bands we know, we decided to do more garage-rock than anything else,” said Michelle. “I figured a lot of those bands would be into the idea of partying on a boat and taking a festival to the next level.” As far as planning a cruise festival, neither one of them had a clue. “Michelle and I went in this blindfolded,” revealed Jonas. “We laid down a deposit and there was no turning back at that point. We’d be out all the money in our bank accounts.” Again, people willing to go broke over a good time.
PRE-SHOW IN MIAMI (UNOFFICIAL START OF THE BRUISE CRUISE)
Although the festival didn’t officially start until the launch of the cruise Feb. 25, there was a pre-fest event held in Miami Feb. 24. The venue was the Grand Central, an old converted factory, and the show exhibited all of the acts that were to play on the Bruise Cruise. I arrived around seven p.m. and was greeted with my pink Bruiser band and white VIP band. This marked the beginning of it all for me. I approached a lingerie-clad bartender and ordered a Stella Artois. The bartender responded with a straightforward, “Eight bucks.” I cringed a little bit, but that’s something I would have to get used to over the remainder of the weekend. As I turned, Ty Segall approached the bar. He bought the same beer, paid the same price, and the smile never left his face. I introduced myself, and we ran through a scenario for when and where I could interview him on the ship. His answers were similar to those of most of the artists I would meet for the first time over the next two days. “Just catch me on the boat and we’ll set it up then.” Well, something like that. I took the rest of the night to enjoy myself, drink way too much, smoke a pack of cigarettes, talk to the talent in the bathroom, make my acquaintance with other media representatives, and hit on Katy Goodman of the Vivian Girls.
The Strange Boys
Following a great set from The Strange Boys full of gems from both …And Girls Club and Be Brave, I shared a cigarette with Phillip Sambol, bassist for The Strange Boys. Thee Oh Sees were slotted after them. John Dwyer, vocalist and guitarist for Thee Oh Sees, who looks like he could rip the head off a bear, took the stage to the applause of a drunk and eager crowd of hundreds. Phillip nudged me and said, “Notice that there’s at least one member of each band focused on the stage right now.” Dwyer stroked the first chord, and Thee Oh Sees began their set of San Fran echo-sludge rock. Phillip leaned back over my shoulder and said, “Class is in session.”
John Dwyer of Thee Oh Sees
I had never seen Thee Oh Sees before. I would get to see them two more times over the course of the weekend. My jaw dropped every time. Toward the end of their set I lean over toward Phillip and asked, “How the hell are the Vivian Girls supposed to follow this?” He smirked, answering my question with another question: “How are the Black Lips supposed to follow this?” At some point during the set, a growling Dwyer sustained a note by locking the neck of his guitar in his teeth. This action freed up his hands which allowed him to further the psychedelia by tinkering with the knobs on the echoplex stationed behind him. Sheer grit; sheer San Francisco psych.
Crowd enveloped by B.A. Miale’s light show
If the sounds that emanated from the speakers weren’t trippy enough to make the crowd sway, there was the addition of visuals by B.A. Miale of BAMIAM.tv. She sat in the back of the club, using–get this–a keytar to manipulate video images displayed on a giant LED sheet hanging behind the stage. The LED screen took on the aspect of a Magic Eye 3-D image. If you stared at the band, the screen would jut out and envelop the musicians. “That was my first LED experience. I was blown away!” exclaimed B.A. in a conversation over banana coladas on the last day of the cruise. Later, B.A. would contribute a cruise generated video mashup for the festival’s Señor Frog’s party.
The Black Lips
The night grew long. It had almost been eight hours and the Black Lips were just starting. If it weren’t for the joint I smoked backstage before their set with some girl from the University of Central Florida, I would never have made it. I’m really into the Black Lips, and yet I could only muster the strength to sing along to some of the songs. Around three a.m. everyone departed, stumbling out of Grand Central to the inviting scene of transients slumbering and defecating on the concrete sidewalks lining the streets of central Miami. “We’re not even on the boat yet,” I repeated in my throbbing head as I trekked the mile back to my hotel room. “We’re not even on the boat yet…”
DAY ONE
The next day was embarkation day, the actual start to the cruise, which went smoothly. The only thing Bruisers griped about was the fact that we’d received specific email instructions from Jonas and Michelle not to smuggle drugs on to the boat. For the most part, people obeyed. “We could’ve muled drugs on this ship so easily,” one bruiser professed. Whatever, it was 80 degrees Fahrenheit and we were on a boat headed toward The Bahamas, full of some of the best American bands going. Acid and cocaine would’ve just intensified the sea-sickness, anyways. Well, at least that’s what I told myself. Bruiser testimonials later on would back up that notion.
The view from the Lido Deck
Before we could become acquainted with our cabins, everyone was sent to the Lido Deck–which would act as the location for most of the non-musical antics on the ship–to stand by as the Carnival Imagination staff finished off; turning down the beds, cleaning out the commodes, and placing origami towel animals atop the sheets. My cabin-mate Danny and I were greeted by what we thought were complimentary “Welcome to your cruise!” cocktails. Sadly mistaken, we signed the bill and laughed at the total gracing the check. Everyone seemed to be settling down into the chaises poolside, where the mix of four hundred Bruisers versus two thousand cruisers became apparent. A woman dressed in XXXL Mickey Mouse shirt and spandex shorts turned around to Danny and asked with an obnoxious tone, “What’s going on?” With a grin, he answered simply, “It’s a rock n’ roll festival.” She turned back toward the pool and trailed, “Oh.”
Danny (right) and I
Throughout the cruise, the other cruisers seemed indifferent–some excited, some not so much–towards the attendees of the Bruise Cruise. At one point, as I was walking through the ship with a Bruiser adorned with long greasy hair and tattoos, a little girl passing us referred to him as a “scumbag.” Not someone she wished to emulate, at least at that point in time. I can only imagine how many preteens have since adopted the Bruiser stylings, destined to empty their checking accounts for full-sleeve tattoos.
Bruisers
About an hour later, everyone shuffled into their cabins and reluctantly attended a safety briefing. By the time the ship began to move, myself and most of the other 399 Bruisers were chain smoking, beer in hand, watching the last of the pastel Miami skyline drift aftward. I remember thinking the whole cruise was just a joke, as if it weren’t actually happening–just a quarter-slot simulation at some amusement park. Then I saw Jared Swilley of the Black Lips in short-shorts, surrounded by edgy women adorned with tattoos and vintage swimwear. They stood in the foreground of a twisted punk vacation setting that only the nuttiest of drunk dreamers could ever envision. Dr. Seuss never had the imagination to concoct a scene so derisive to the blasé American “dream vacation.”
Jared Swilley of the Black Lips, surrounded by ladies
At this point in the journey, the cruisers were in the ship’s control, and the ship loved eight-dollar drinks, the fucking Black Eyed Peas, and drunks with tans that would rival that of the kids on the Jersey Shore. I prepared my body for the looming seasickness with Foster’s oil cans–the cheapest rip-off available. Imagining the inevitably macabre status of my bank account, which would surely greet me on my arrival back to America with a smirk and a very low balance figure, pained me like a physical ailment. The prescription was simple, and, at least for the remainder of the trip, painless. It called for the discard of every receipt. “Fuck it, you’re on vacation,” I apprehensively muttered to myself. Plus, Ty Segall and Thee Oh Sees were playing in a matter of hours. Life was too good to be worried about a trivial thing like money at that point.
Some (non-Bruise) cruisers
Feeling motion-sick after the departure, I decided that exploring the decks of the ship would feel better than sitting still, attempting to ignore the back-and-forth motion of the vessel, and waiting for the shows to begin. Cassie Ramone of the Vivian Girls shared a similar experience during the boat’s departure. “I was expecting it to feel totally normal because it is such a big boat, ya know? I got really seasick,” she told me after her performance on Saturday. “I felt really high, and felt like I was having all these hallucinations. I had an anxiety attack. I was just like, ‘I need to sit by myself on the upper deck for 45 minutes and not do anything.’ After that I was ok.”
Bruisers
Cigarette in one hand, oil can in the other; I barefooted around talking to people. Well, the ones with pink wristbands. Surprisingly enough, they all seemed to work for some facet of Spin Magazine. My ego significantly deflated, I bounced back with another drink and headed to the Xanadu Lounge, where most of the shows were held. The lounge was fixed at the ass end of the ship, past the casino, away from family activity zones. I could imagine the engineers presenting the layout of the Imagination to Carnival, chuckling about how they’d cleverly relegated all the “lascivious behavior” to the bowel of the ship. Through glass panel doors lay the booths that bowed out from the dance floor in the lounge. The setup was intended more for performances by Ricky Ricardo than Ty Segall or the Jacuzzi Boys. And so was the sound system.
Ty Segall at Grand Central
Regardless, Ty Segall and co. ripped through the opening set of the Bruise Cruise with takes on “Pretty Baby (You’re So Ugly),” “It #1,” and “Imaginary Person.” In the middle of the set a Bruiser jumped on stage to play what seemed like an impromptu song dedicated to his girlfriend. After a timid performance, the Bruiser leapt off stage and proceeded to propose to his girlfriend. Segall followed the proposal with a version of Melted‘s “Girlfriend,” aptly retitled “Fiancée.” Throughout the performance, Brusiers could be seen spazzing out in place reciting the lyrics as Ty delivered them into the mic through the veil of his blonde, wavy hair.
Ty Segall and band, performing onboard the ship
“Playing on a moving ship was cool,” Ty said later. “And it was cool to see little kids get jazzed on free ice cream, running away from their parents with a sugar high, freaking out at ten o’ clock at night. I would’ve done that if I was nine.” Back home, not too many people know about Ty Segall’s work, but on the Bruise Cruise, his band was definitely one of the best-regarded acts. After a quick respite and casual conversation on the Lido Deck, I returned to Xanadu for Thee Oh Sees. They killed it, and ingrained the song “I Was Denied” off their latest release, Warm Slime, into everyone’s cerebrum. That song will forever live in my head as being the Bruise Cruise theme song.
Thee Oh Sees
Now fighting a double-hangover, if that makes any sense, it was time for assigned-seat dining. Danny and I got dressed and waited in line outside the restaurant. Former MTV veejay John Norris showed up behind us, so of course we had to talk to him. Danny opened with, “Hey man, fuck Kurt Loder!” John didn’t find it amusing and responded with, “He’s a great guy.” Yawn. He then went on to say that a lot of people were introducing themselves to him thinking he was Kurt Loder, which was a lot more amusing than anything else he said. It became a running joke to Danny and I–John Norris running around the ship whining that everyone was calling him the wrong name. “Stop calling me Kurt Loder, guys!”
Our table
Shoes and sleeves were required for entry to our “fancy” dining experience, but a handful of Bruisers either were unaware or ignored the memo. It felt like middle school–the cool, “popular” tables were occupied by the bands, while other Bruisers meandered around the dining room drunk, trying to figure out where they were supposed to sit. We sat at a table filled exclusively with adult-kids from the Pacific Northwest. As we sucked down a bottle of free Merlot and chowed on tasteless tilapia, we were entertained with stories of San Franciscans “shirt-cocking” or “Porky-Piggin’ it”–which involves walking around with nothing but a shirt on. Then we heard a machete rape story. We weren’t ready for the rape story. It promptly cleared the table for a much needed cigarette. After all, we hadn’t smoked since we sat down.
Bruisers
The cruise director/MC, Ian Svenonius, member of an assortment of DC bands (Nation Of Ulysses, The Make-Up, Chain And The Gang), was slated to speak later that evening before Quintron and Miss Pussycat’s performance. I opted for bed. Apparently, I didn’t miss much, as Svenonius gave what seemed to be a bummer of a lecture making fun of the Bruise Cruise.
DAY TWO
I woke up and realized I was in a bed set for a nine-year-old, on a ship set for someone else’s vacation, somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. It was six a.m. on the second day of the Bruise Cruise, and I was jonesing for a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Leaving my room, I ran across two dudes playing super chess on the Lido Deck’s center stage. Considering there were about four other people awake, I decided to talk to them. It turns out they were pro surfers Dylan Graves and Alek Parker. They were on the cruise to judge DJ Jonathan Toubin’s Soul Clap And Dance Off, a dance competition set to 60’s soul and R&B, at Señor Frog’s later that evening.
Dylan and Alek
Dancing across a plank that stretched across the pool, Dylan and Alek rambled like an awesomely drunk comedy duo. “I have no idea what Soul Clap is, and we’re supposed to be judging it tonight. We’ll be judging it solely on vibes,” said Dylan. These guys were a true highlight of the trip, running around the deck in the robes they found in their cabin, waist ties around their head as if they were readying themselves for a karate-themed frat party. I happily joined them for the rest of the morning, participating in a strictly liquid brunch of grapefruit mimosas and Bloody Marys. They fulfilled their obligation as judges later on, but I highly doubt either one of them could tell you who won the contest.
Dylan and Alek with some friends
After enjoying a buffet of croissants and omelets, as well as three cups of coffee, I tried to relieve my seasick shakes by imbibing, which just made it worse. We ported in Nassau by the end of brunch, but I chose to stay onboard. I was bent on seeing the Jacuzzi Boys and Surfer Blood on the ship later that afternoon. Above all, I was there for the music. I met up with the Jacuzzi Boys around eleven a.m., during their breakfast. They have one album under their belt, and recently got up with Jack White’s label, Third Man Records, for a live LP. It was a great opportunity for a young band that’s been around less than five years. “It’s an honor to be asked to do this,” said Danny Gonzales, their bassist. “We’re stoked to be here and meet bands that we haven’t been able to play with before. Everyone’s super friendly.” The boys went on to play to a modest crowd, no more than thirty people, later that afternoon in Xanadu. They shot through some “old stuff that people are familiar with” off their first release No Seasons. John Dwyer was in attendance. “They were kind of my favorite thing at the festival so far,” he said. The Jacuzzi Boys’ sound is not that far from San Fran bands like Thee Oh Sees, combining woozy vocals with reverb-drenched chops and the occasional slapback yelp, indicative of John’s style. John himself agreed. “They have a real California sound.”
The Jacuzzi Boys at Grand Central
Surfer Blood followed the Jacuzzi Boys’ set with the poppiest sound of any act on the trip. Their sound was also more appropriate for the tropical setting than any other band featured. John Paul Pitts, vocalist and guitarist for Surfer Blood, grooved like a Juilliard grad through highlights “Floating Vibes,” “Swim,” and the instant cruise classic “Take It Easy,” off their debut album Astro Coast. He had suffered a busted lip back in Miami thanks to a crowd-surfing attempt gone awry, but it didn’t seem to affect his poise. One Bruiser commented on the sparseness of the crowd. “This is the last time [Surfer Blood] will play to a crowd of 20 people,” she proclaimed.
Surfer Blood
We headed off the ship and onto the island of Nassau for dinner. There, we encountered street vendors and trashed tourists stumbling to and fro, clasping vase-shaped cocktail glasses purchased from Señor Frog’s, the putrid night club that would house the headline show of the Bruise Cruise. While Bruisers traversed the island in search of scooters, jet-skis, cocaine, bud, and the hotel Atlantis Paradise Island Resort, Danny and I got up with Turbo Fruits members Kingsley Brock (guitar/backing vocals) and Matt Hearn (drums).
Kingsley Brock, crashed out onboard the ship
We sat down in front of a sketchy van on a grimy street adjacent to the port. A young Bahamian girl stared at us through the whole interview, eager to be a part of whatever the strange, disheveled tourists were doing with a camera. Kingsley–cigarette in mouth, Ray-Ban Aviators fixed over his bloodshot eyes–said of the cruise, “We’re all having a blast, man. It’s just a party–a three-day party.” Well, at least for everyone in the Turbo Fruits besides Jonas. “To be honest, if Jonas wasn’t setting this thing up, we probably wouldn’t be here,” added Kingsley. “He’s been busting his ass. He probably slept six hours in two weeks.” Matt chimed in, further detailing Michelle and Jonas’s dedication to the madness: “We played the show Thursday night at Grand Central and didn’t get home until four thirty in the morning. They’re sitting there going, ‘We’ve got to be up at six.’ And I’m sitting there going, ‘Holy crap, I hope you’re getting paid.'”
Bruise Cruise organizer Jonas Stein performing with the Turbo Fruits
Another young girl walked up to us and pulled out a roll of cash. She started to count tens and fives, one after the other. There were no parental figures in sight–just merchants and drunk tourists. The girl with a wad of cash looked over at Kingsley’s nappy hair and said, “Your hair looks like feces.” Ten-year-olds hustle in The Bahamas. Hustle and talk shit.
We said goodbye to Matt and Kingsley and bought some (what seemed like) Cuban cigars from a nearby merchant for a steal. It was time to leave hustle street and head over to Señor Frog’s, where spring breakers would be introduced to the music of the Turbo Fruits, The Strange Boys, Vivian Girls, and the Black Lips, while Bruisers would be introduced to the two-for-one margarita coupon and people who bring their two-year-olds to a scuzzy rump-hump night club.
Joe Bradley (Black Lips) and Gabriel Alcala (Jacuzzi Boys)
At first it was nothing but a wasted mess of American Eagle and Abercrombie and Fitch poster kids sucking down fluorescent shooters and fucking each other on the dance floor. All the Bruisers were a little freaked out. Michelle Cable stood near the skinny stage, directing the setup for the subsequent Bruiser romp n’ roll festivities while kids screamed to the Kid Rock song “All Summer Long.” I approached her and said, “This is ridiculous.” With a gleam in her eye, she responded, “I know. Isn’t it perfect?” The culmination of her and Jonas’ twisted vision was happening, right there. “You did it,” I told her. She looked over at Jonas, who was transporting equipment toward the stage, and said, “We did it.” It was right there, at that very moment, that the manifestation of the American Dream became apparent. Do what you want. Garner your resources. Be bold. Be ridiculous. Yeah, money was a huge part of it all. There was no room for anti-capitalism in that tourist trap of a night club–just true American entrepreneurs, hell-bent on a good time with total disregard for failure. But rock n’ roll was a huge part of it, too. Michelle and Jonas are the only people on this earth that could’ve figured out a way to have the Black Lips headline Señor Frog’s in the Bermuda Triangle.
Cassie Ramone of the Vivian Girls
As far as I’m concerned, the story ends there. You can imagine what happened: all the bands evoked hip-shaking, head-swaying dances in Bruisers and spectators alike. The Vivian Girls started and ended their set with a cover of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” And I don’t need to tell you that I was offered fellatio from a prostitute on my way back toward the ship that night.
DAY THREE
The next day everyone got wasted, all day. Big surprise. Thee Oh Sees mowed everyone down in the Xanadu Lounge as Bruisers sucked down drinks two at a time during the ship’s only free cocktail hour. We had dinner again, and it was bittersweet; the end of a memorable event where the majority of people knew each other on a first-name basis after only three days. An event where your favorite bands shot hang-loose gestures at you as you passed them on the ship. An event where gambling is legal, and people walked around swigging straight from their wine bottles. An event where Ty Segall, with only peach fuzz on his chest, was coaxed into participating in the hairiest man competition by a dare from John Dwyer. A truly unique event. Truly rock n’ roll. Truly American.
Ty Segall competes in the hairiest man competition
Cassie Ramone summed it up pretty well Saturday evening. “I think experiences like this are really important to have because it’s kind of like an adult summer camp. Camp is one of my favorite memories as a child. So, it’s always nice to be at a festival that feels like camp.” Jonas and Michelle are already setting up the second annual Bruise Cruise, surely willing to unload their bank accounts for another good time.
