The rules for freshmen studying at the James Branch Cabell Library

by | Dec 4, 2014 | POLITICS

Dear Freshmen and Socially Clueless People:

It is officially finals time, that wonderful time of year where our collective school spirit is outmatched only by the pure, seething rage we feel at the sight of our fellow students’ faces.

Dear Freshmen and Socially Clueless People:

It is officially finals time, that wonderful time of year where our collective school spirit is outmatched only by the pure, seething rage we feel at the sight of our fellow students’ faces. The library has even less space than usual, and it’s cold and dark outside and fuck you.

Therefore, do not do things to piss people off. Here’s some things to keep in mind so that you don’t get tossed out of a window by a super senior:

Taking the elevator from the first floor to the second floor or basement level? I know that latte is heavy, but unless you’ve got a handicap sign hanging from your neck, take the fucking stairs.

Talking (even whispering) to your friend on the fourth floor. Shut your ass up. Yes, we can still hear you. Shut up.

If you are sick, sorry but stay the fuck home. I don’t need your sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-stuffy-head-fever-so-you-can-rest-medicine-taking ass to get me sick right before my finals. And I sure as hell don’t want to listen to your phlegmy ass hocking up loogies for the next five hours.

If you gotta open the bag of chips, fucking open it and get it over with, god damn. I don’t need to hear you spending 10 minutes finger-fucking your bag of Doritos.

MOTHER. FUCKER. DID YOU JUST TALK ON THE FOURTH FLOOR?!

Watch Netflix/Youtube/PornHub at home. Nothing wants to make me throw a motherfucker at another motherfucker faster than not having anywhere to sit because some motherfucker decided here and now was the best time to catch up on House of Cards.

Got a laptop? You suave son of a bitch, you. I guess you won’t be needing that desktop computer you’re sitting in front of, will you? WELL I FUCKING DO, SO FUCK OFF. It’s a laptop, you can literally sit on the floor and use it.

Your dedication to your studying is an inspiration to us all, but for the love of god, take a break and take a shower. Or at least do your boy a favor and re-up on some deodorant? Cuz the only thing you’re inspiring me to do now is pour the janitor’s mop bucket over your nasty stanky ass.

Your taste in music is terrible, but hey, do you. Just do it with you, and not everyone sitting within earshot. And just because you have earphones on doesn’t mean we can’t tell you’re still listening to Nickleback. Turn that shit down. Or in the event of Nickleback, off.

Just follow these simple steps and try to be mindful and self-aware, and you should make it through the finals just fine. If you’re not sure if you should do it or not, don’t.

Thanks kids, and good luck!

Brad Kutner

Brad Kutner




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