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Dear Men: Here’s How Not to Treat Women In The Era of #MeToo, Trump, and Kavanaugh

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An apparently necessary guide from the women of RVA Mag

Good afternoon, male readers of RVA Mag and the world! Between the Kavanaugh/Ford case, #MeToo, and the general fact of having Trump as president, it’s a pretty scary time to be alive. Especially for a man!

Man, it is so difficult being a cis white man in America these days! You think you’re just leaving your house one night, minding your business to get a Starbucks and buy some board shorts, and boom! You’re accused of sexual assault! What is a guy to do, am I right?

But let’s be real. We would be remiss without acknowledging that the ladies in your life are having a bit of a time, too. It’s rough out there for us girls. So I bet you’re sitting there asking yourself: “Brad, my man. What can I do for the ladies in my life? How can I be a better ally?”

We’re glad you asked, Todd! Just for you, we have created a handy dandy top six list that’ll tell you how to be a better ally to the girls in your life!

Don’t rape anyone.

Might as well start with the easiest one, to ease you into the rest: Ask for consent. Ask permission to touch anyone, even if it’s just a hug. Believe it or not ladies really enjoy it when you ask for basic things like hugs, hand-holding, or having sex. We know it’s a tough concept to embrace, but we want you to know we believe in you.

Don’t be a piece of shit.

We know that the best way to make the news and politics easier to swallow is to make jokes about it, filling the internet with memes and crappy comments. However, there is something you should know about what happens when you post things like memes about how Kavanaugh couldn’t have raped Dr. Ford when they were in school because “she was ugly.” The women in your life who’ve survived rape and sexual assault are going to see that.

And rest assured, by the way — there are some women in your life who’ve been through things like that, regardless of whether you know about it. They might not have told you, but guess what — they don’t have to! Not everything is your business! Who knew?

Anyway, those women are going to retain that information. And they are going to now know that they can never trust or feel safe around you ever again. Ever. Do you want that? No? So don’t do that! Pretty please!

Don’t make jokes about sexual assault.

We know, we know. You totally have good intent with this. You’re not like a regular dude — you’re a cool dude! You’re edgy, but you’re an edgy progressive who is going to take back rape jokes. For the girls!

We are super sorry to tell you this, but you can’t actually do that. We know you want to poke fun at Kavanuagh, and that’s super cool in concept (but ONLY in concept). You want to write an edgy twitter joke or two, or maybe make a meme. But maybe don’t? In fact, definitely don’t. It will never be your place as a man to make jokes about the sexual assault of women.

So the next time you think it’s okay to ask, “Hey! How do we feel about jokes about sexual assault?” just remember: Don’t! Instead, try making some memes about how it’s almost Halloween, and how retail is crazy right now. So relatable! Maybe a meme about sweatpants at Thanksgiving? Too silly! So relatable!

DO call out your buddies for their uncool behavior.

Being one of the dudes and just hanging with your bros is so hard and uncomfortable right now. You can’t just do your thing and call girls sluts and hoes when they wear those shorts and skirts to be comfortable in 95 degree heat. Oh no!

Even if you don’t do that, it’s gonna get kinda awkward when Chad does makes his own jokes, or whistles at that cutie walking down Broad St. But you know what is even more awkward? Watching this behavior become normalized, because you didn’t ever say anything, and then waking up one day to realize that every single woman (and a larger chunk of men than you realize) you know has been raped, assaulted, harassed, or some combination thereof. So spooky!

We know — it’s scary to stand up to your bros. But it is really important that you do this. You got this, bro!

Believe survivors. All of them. Always.

Sexual assault is such a bummer of a topic. Such a downer! And talking about it and learning that people you love or even those you don’t know have survived these things is such a buzzkill! But you know what’s even more of a bummer? Being violently raped and having no one believe you. Crazy!

Fun Fact: Not believing survivors not only normalizes sexual assault, helping pave the way to making it commonplace in our society. It also, on the individual level, increases and worsens depression, anxiety, and suicide. All bad things, my dude. Be there for people, and if someone finds it in them to trust you to talk to you about this, stiffen that upper lip and be the best dude friend your friend has ever had. Listen, and support them.

Remember how we mentioned asking for a hug? Now is the time! Ask for that hug, my dude! Also be vocal about that support! Take a break from tweeting at Starbucks and the Redskins and start tweeting at people to believe survivors. Tell everyone you know to support RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)! Be the stand-up bro we know you are, my bro!

Don’t want to be accused of assault? Don’t assault someone!

We know! Everyone is so scared, you guys. “Will I be accused of sexual assault?” Good question, my dude! Here’s how you know.

  1. Take a seat.
  2. Ask yourself, “Have I obtained clear consent before and during every sexual encounter I’ve ever had?” (You might also want to ask yourself, “Have I ever engaged in sexual activity with someone who was intoxicated to the point of impairment?” Because that counts as sexual assault too, my dude!)
  3. Is your answer no? Then you’re good!
  4. Is your answer yes? Oops! Might want to be prepared, bro!

We know these are all scary and difficult times. But you know what? You, my friend, are a man. And you can do this! Be there for women and survivors. Be the stand-up dude we know you are!

Sincerely,

The Women of RVA Mag

P.S. — Yes, we’re writing this article anonymously. We write anonymously becasue we are genuinely concerned for our safety and livelihood. If that sounds silly or stupid to you, this article was written for you — and you need to have a long, difficult conversation with not only yourself but the women and other survivors in your life about why you’d take such an uncaring attitude toward their suffering.

Again, you may not know those survivors are there. But they are. Look around the room you’re sitting in right now. We promise you that most of the women in the room have been harassed, assaulted, raped, or all of the above. The woman writing this has been all of the above, both in the distant past and all too recently. And she is tired. She is so unbelievably fucking tired.

The choice of this article’s darkly sarcastic tone was an intentional one, if for no other reason than to hopefully make you think. But if you or someone you know has survived an assault, please get help. If you don’t have a trusted counselor in your life, we implore you to reach out to RAINN — call their National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at (800)656-HOPE. It is never too late, and you are not alone.

Reports to National Sexual Assault Hotline Jump 147 Percent

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Yesterday’s testimony by Professor Christine Blasey Ford about being sexually assaulted by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was a testimony to the bravery and courage of survivors everywhere. A sympathetic, articulate, and well spoken individual, Ford highlighted the deep trauma and pain that victims of sexual assault bear everyday.

Alternately, Kavanaugh and the Republican men on the Senate Judiciary Committee demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for women who have experienced sexual assault. And according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), there are 321,500 victims of rape and sexual assault in the US each year – one every 98 seconds.

Despite the cold reception she received, one of the unintended consequences of Ford’s testimony yesterday was the empowerment of women to come forward with their stories and reports of sexual assault. As millions of women listened to Ford detail her experiences, then listened to Kavanaugh and the all male Republican squad gnash their teeth, wail, and defend allegations of sexual assault, women started calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline in record numbers to detail their own experiences.

Time Magazine has reported that the hotline saw a 147 percent increase in calls yesterday, “compared to a normal workday.” The obvious correlation? The testimony of Ford. RAINN asserts that when sexual assault is in the news-cycle, there is always a concomitant spike in reports. However, yesterday’s numbers exist outside of anything which might be deemed normative; more so, given the fierce defense of Kavanaugh that took place on the Senate floor.

There are now three allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Kavanaugh, the last being alleged by Julie Swetnick, who claims that the judge and his friends would get women drunk so they could be “gang raped.” The Senate Judicial Committee has announced that it will vote today on the fate of Kavanaugh, in what has been one of the most politically outrageous episodes of our hyper-partisan times.

*RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached at: 800.656.HOPE (4673)

 

Men In Virginia Should Want Kavanaugh Gone

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Should circuit court judge Brett Kavanaugh be appointed to the Supreme Court, the lives of women throughout the U.S. will change, starting with the court being overshadowed by a man who clearly has a proclivity for lying about sexual assault, straight through to the great Republican fantasy of repealing Roe v Wade. And at the center of this whole situation, there is twisted kernel of truth, which is now apparent: Republicans don’t care about people, they only care about keeping and maintaining power.

Kavanaugh, who is at the center this ongoing political opera, is a man whose moral compass is supposed to govern the supreme law of this country. However, what is now at stake is whether in 2018 – in the era of “me too” – a man’s personal reputation or the need for political expediency is worth more than a woman’s life, liberty, or right to safety. Kavanaugh’s hearings have become a litmus test of where we now stand as a country – morally, ethically, politically.

Regardless of what Republicans, conservative punditry or even the White House has said, Kavanaugh has been accused of more than just horseplay. He has been accused of sexually assaulting four women. “But boys will be boys,” as some have been saying. “It was so long ago,” others have said. Yet as men, it is important for us to acknowledge that “boys being boys” does not include drunkenly trying to hold down a woman and covering her mouth so she does not scream.

One potential concern, which has been raised in defense of Kavanaugh, is that any woman with a score to settle will be able to claim sexual assault without the burden of proof, and that Kavanaugh should be presumed innocent until proven guilty. In trying to secure his nomination as quickly as possible, though, he has shown his preference for power and prestige over justice. This is the elitist culture of toxic masculinity at its intersection with things like extreme privilege and class.  

As a guardian and symbol of justice, he should care that these accusations are taken seriously, and considered with the full rigor and power of our justice system. His ambitions to the Supreme Court should be subordinate to this concern. Nonetheless, the president, who has also been accused of sexual assault, unsurprisingly said that the women accusing Kavanaugh are “all false to me,” using his own accusations as a way to defend the embattled judge.

The president’s comments pose another question: Is sexual assault not sexual assault unless it is reported within 24 hours of the incident occurring? We know the short answer to this is no. But this is one of the broad questions we should expect our elected leaders to take seriously now that these accusations are part of the nomination process.

Kavanaugh’s defense relies solely on his character as a “family man,” though the more accusations that are leveled, the more reasons we have to distrust and question his character. His defense, using his status as a virgin throughout high school and for many years after, is  just one example. Beyond this being an obvious play to the Republican’s Christian base, are virgins suddenly incapable of sexual assault? If the allegations are true then it’s obvious that young Kavanaugh’s virginity didn’t come from a place of Christian virtue.

This also exposes the Republican Party’s precarious position; having to defend a lecherous president and Supreme Court nominee while simultaneously extolling the virtues of chastity and virginity. While always positioning themselves as the party of values, what has become obvious is that the GOP only has values when it’s convenient to do so. And at this stage, their main value is political power at all cost. We should all take umbrage at the notion that the hunt for truth in sexual assault allegations must be quick; a lifetime appointment to the highest court of law should not be done in haste.

People in this country deserve better.

Even if Kavanaugh did what these women allege, I’ve heard people ask if there is no room for redemption and forgiveness. If there is room, then he still must take responsibility for his actions before forgiveness is considered – something he has consistently failed to do. By lying, he has shown that he is willing to make a mockery of the high court he wants to represent. Forgiveness is only possible if you own up to what you did, including assaulting women during “horseplay” in the 1980s. Having a wife and two daughters does not change this.  

The battle over the Kavanaugh nomination transcends party lines. It is about not only the way women are treated, but the kind of story we, as a country, are willing to tell to one another. Values, morals, and ethics are critical, and the Republican Party continues to lose credibility by being unwilling to back up their own moral claims with concrete action. Attempting to force through the Kavanaugh nomination instead of investigating multiple allegations proves that their goal is not truth, but promoting their agenda at all costs.