I don’t know about y’all, but buffets of any kind are a particular weakness of mine. I never would have associated them with Missed Connections, but this week, we’ll all learn that some people very much do. Digging in at Golden Corral is just the thing to get some people all hot and bothered, apparently. I guess I get it — the mac and cheese is really good.
But don’t let thoughts of the buffet turn you away from the rest of this week’s bumper crop of Missed Connections, which will bring you everyone from breast milk saleswomen to thirsty monks, as well as a rather harrowing glimpse of what Pig Destroyer’s Prowler In The Yard album would look like if it were a Craigslist post. Some of y’all really need to chill out and stop being psychos; that said, all of us will derive entertainment from you in the meantime.
By the way, confidential to the grammarian: you both spelled “calluses” wrong. Don’t throw out your dictionary just yet.
Belly up to the steam table, Virginia.
Plates were stacked high and so was the tension. Even over the pungent scent of the buffet, I could smell the mad desire in the air, like the ozone after a lightning strike. You shuffled back and forth in your orthopedic sandals, and I could see you carefully calculating your next selection before loading up a fat slab of potato salad, mixing delectably with the barbecue sauce of your soaking ribs. I could see the discomfort in your hips as you waddled back to your booth to sink in to your king’s feast all by your lonesome. I got flustered as I fished another kernel from my teeth from the corn on the cob I had downed as I watched, wanting all the more to join you as the seconds passed. I noticed you pick up a piece of bourbon street chicken, licking your already untamed lips before stuffing the juicy piece inside to join the rest. I continued to match your meal, shrimp cocktail came next; I loaded up a healthy serving of cocktail sauce and ranch mixed, licking the excess off of the side of my cup. I felt your gaze locking onto me from your derriere indented booth as you rose from your seat, growing pooch unsteadying the table, belt and buckle hanging from the loops like a wilted flower. You, my sweet peach, headed back to the troughs for another helping, gaze burning as you threatened to pull me out of my own seat like a woman possessed. I scarfed down my seventh plate like a rabid boar and licked the cocktail of sauces off of my plate before heading back up for another heaping serving. We performed a delicate tango, dancing around one another, flitting to and fro between luke-warm grub. You moved left, I moved right, closer and closer, closing the gap. Our eyes both locked onto the king crab legs and we rushed forward with the urgency of a man who thought that his laxatives were cough drops. There was an especially plump bushel of legs, and I could see that you, a man of taste, thought so too, as our hands collided. Flustered, I retracted my hand, feeling the rough calouces of your barbaric mitts (I love a hard working man who knows a trade, I’d hook you by that blue collar any day). You looked up at me, studying my face while unwilling to release your legs. A moment passed and you licked your lips… I’d love to know if you meant it for me or for your meal. Call me?
RE: Eating alone at Golden Corral (Richmond)
You are an honest-to-god poet, and I am in love with you…but you spelled “callouses” wrong. So…fuck you.
Breast milk for sale (Spotsylvania)
I have breast milk for sale. Frozen fresh in 5 oz bags and stored in a deep freezer. Make any offer…
I’ve been away 20yrs. You used to think I was going to be the One.(chesterfield)
We were young. I was shy but hid my shyness with women, and partying. Always too much of both back then. You always knew no matter what you heard that my heart was good. If you are single now or just want to reconnect hit me up. Would love to discuss life and old times over a smoke or a drink. Just say my name and how we met.
Flat Elvis at Kindred Spirit (West Creek)
You had a greenish T-shirt, wearing sunglasses, white goatee, bald head, tattoos on your arm and very sexy. You left early with 2 other guys. You sat next to me for a brief time, but we didn’t talk. If this is you, please reply.
I miss seeing you at your job. It’s been too long. I miss our conversations. I hope you are doing well. You are often in my thoughts. XO
Did you lose a blue Thirsty Monk tee shirt?
I found it, along with a few other pieces of clothing, laying in the street near my apartment. I was going to donate them to Goodwill or something, but I figured I’d check here first to see if I could return them to their owner.
Sheetz colonial heights. We talked by the pump for about 5 minutes. You were wearing a black T-shirt and shorts with flip flops. Dirty blonde hair sunglasses. You were driving a truck. Me. Short black hair glasses wearing pink t-shirt and shorts flip flops driving a green car. Hopefully you are single and you will see this would like to continue our conversation.
Cute redhead at sheetz this morning (Colonial heights)
I highly doubt you’ll see this, but I’ll try anyways. I was in my work van and you pulled up in your white Toyota. You parked beside me and we made eye contact when you got out. You looked at me and smiled, I smiled back and noticed how polite you were holding the door for the coke lady. When you came back out we made eye contact again, smiled and both of us blushed a little. If you see this please reply back, let me know who your favorite baseball team is so I know it’s you
Motorcycle man, auslander restaurant September 14th(Fredricksburg)
You were alone, I was with my son. We talked about my dog.
To the guy at Rosies Emporium (New Kent Va)
African American guy at Rosies Emporium in New Kent Va. You had on a white tee, dark jeans, clean cut hair,with the tattoo sleeve or sleeves 9/14 at night. We caught eyes afew times. I was looking for an available machine on the floor. I was in the same section as yourself at one point. You walked pass me,we locked eyes. I was not seated far from escalator. I had on black rimmed glasses, blues jeans, denim shirt and a white tee hair up in a bun. You are nice looking. I would have said hello but I didn’t see you again. I’m African American female.
Psychic and friend at Farmhouse
It was a pleasure meeting both you beautiful ladies. Love the tattoos! I’m interested in a reading! It was flattering you thought I was a firefighter!
I was on Facebook recently and couldn’t help but peek your profile. Saw you’re in a relationship now. So am I but I find myself still thinking of you from time to time. I remember how much I wanted you and how the timing was never just right. I’m not looking to change your situation nor am I looking to change mine. But if there is anyone who would tempt me for some fun on the side it would be you. If you see this and know who it may be tell me where you were working when I first met you and what I was doing for a living back then. Perhaps the feeling is still mutual?
I know this is a looong shot, but it’s the only one I have. We talked for quite some time blocking customers in the paper products section. We obviously connected, but was interupted by your friend. I thought you were beautiful and sexy,loved your smile.
If you happen to read this, contact me, I’d love to finish the conversation and see where it leads.
To the Tow Truck Driver that was having lunch at McDonald’s on Saturday…I just wanted to say, Thank you for making my day! I was having a rough day, and you made me smile and laugh!
Beautiful lady in brown dress at costco on Sunday (North Chesterfield)
Saw you in costco Sunday 15th around 2 Pm. You were the beautiful sexy looking lady wearing a brown dress. Would like to know you.
Savana, what happened to you last night at innsbrooke?? (Glen allen)
Savana I went looking for you and could not find you. Hope to reconnect
Woman in the flamenco dress at Gallery 5 last night (Randolph)
I cannot believe that only one guy had the balls to approach you. I was not him, obviously.
Publix at the Village (Richmond)
You came into the store at about the same time as me. You had glasses and a hot green top. We eyed one another for awhile, then you left the store without buying anything. I’d love to introduce myself properly! Let me know what you remember about me so I know it’s you.
Hey, I know u cat ch me staring at you all the time when I see u working or working out!! Would love if you are actually into guys lol..
And I watched and reminisced. We used to talk and I’d swing by while your husband was away. But then at some point, you decided, after 5 years, to “finally be faithful.” Right … now you know I don’t believe that.
Anyway, I know it’s creepy, but I parked a few houses down and looked at your house the other day. We made a lot of memories together in that same house that you live with your husband. For a solid 10 minutes I sat and watched as her head bobbed up and down and I grunted and came in her mouth. She is much younger than you and thought she was just giving an older guy a bj. She had no idea she was sucking me off right in front of your house.
I know how much you hate white women, and this would really, really piss you off.