I’m Done With Jeffrey Campbell

Section 1.1: You Copycat!

I say enough is enough, Mr. Campbell! Not only do you come out with about 50 new pairs of shoes in about 50,000 (mostly horrendous) colors and prints every month, but you also completely rip off pre-existing, slightly less horrendous shoes designed by other people about 75% of the time (disclaimer: numbers may be a bit off). And yet, you have every trendy little aspiring fashion blogger wrapped around your trendy little (read: giant) high heel and I just can’t take it anymore!

I get it. You make cheaper—but not cheap—versions of extremely expensive shoes, so people don’t really get that offended because you still charge generally exorbitant prices for your knockoffs, effectively maintaining the façade of being a serious shoe designer. Let’s be honest. Fashion people hate Forever 21 because it’s not chic to look cheap, and when you’re wearing a dress that cost $13.80 (side note: Does anyone know why Forev’s prices are so random, and yet so predictable? Let’s discuss…), there’s really no way it’s going to look like it set you back $1380. They probably also hate Forever 21 because of all those child labor/slave labor/unsafe work conditions lawsuits on its record, but that’s really irrelevant at this point. My point is, you, Jeffrey Campbell, are no better than the pleather-miniskirt-sequined-haltertop-fake-wooden-strappy-sandal-wearing folks over at Forever 21. You’re just better at ripping off other designers.

Section 1.1: You Copycat!

I say enough is enough, Mr. Campbell! Not only do you come out with about 50 new pairs of shoes in about 50,000 (mostly horrendous) colors and prints every month, but you also completely rip off pre-existing, slightly less horrendous shoes designed by other people about 75% of the time (disclaimer: numbers may be a bit off). And yet, you have every trendy little aspiring fashion blogger wrapped around your trendy little (read: giant) high heel and I just can’t take it anymore!

I get it. You make cheaper—but not cheap—versions of extremely expensive shoes, so people don’t really get that offended because you still charge generally exorbitant prices for your knockoffs, effectively maintaining the façade of being a serious shoe designer. Let’s be honest. Fashion people hate Forever 21 because it’s not chic to look cheap, and when you’re wearing a dress that cost $13.80 (side note: Does anyone know why Forev’s prices are so random, and yet so predictable? Let’s discuss…), there’s really no way it’s going to look like it set you back $1380. They probably also hate Forever 21 because of all those child labor/slave labor/unsafe work conditions lawsuits on its record, but that’s really irrelevant at this point. My point is, you, Jeffrey Campbell, are no better than the pleather-miniskirt-sequined-haltertop-fake-wooden-strappy-sandal-wearing folks over at Forever 21. You’re just better at ripping off other designers.

Take these Charlotte Olympia heels, for instance:

Now check out these Jeffrey Campbell heels:

You guys, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I couldn’t find the exact price for the CO pair, but seeing as flats in the same style cost $945, I’m willing to guess this pair of heels will run you well over $1000. JC’s version, on the other hand, costs a mere $160, which is still way over my budget for fruit-bowl shoes with a totally disproportionate heel-to-platform ratio for this year. Also, really Charlotte? Sue his ass. There is absolutely no possible way he could argue his way out of this one. They’re the same shoe, except that his is minimally uglier than yours. Like I said, crazy pills…

Let’s do another one… And let’s guess this time. Which one is the knockoff? Can you tell?

I barely could. If it weren’t for the terrible mustard color (and I love mustard!) of the JC’s, I would have thought they too cost almost $600, like the Chris Benz version on the right. Actually, wait, neither version looks like it’s worth $600… because that’s ridiculous.

Here are a few more brands that he’s copied before, just for good measure:

Givenchy
Chloe
Celine
Prada
Chanel
Dior
Balenciaga
Salvatore Ferragamo
Isabel Marant
Gabriella Maria Gonzalez
Camilla Skovgaard
Akiko Ogawa
Acne
Jessica Simpson (Really? Is she worth the potential lawsuit?)
Chloe Sevigny for Opening Ceremony

And here’s a twist! Jeffrey Campbell has a record on the other side of the bench for suing Forever 21, alleging that the company blatantly copied some of his designs. Real original, Jeff. You can’t even come up with your own legal allegations? Sheesh.

Section 1.2: You Child Eroticizer!

If I have to see one more 16-year-old Tumblr street-style star posing—not walking, but posing, because no normal 100lb teenage girl could feasibly lift her dainty little feet off the ground in these things— in a pair of Litas, I’m probably going to start calling parents. Hey Mom and Dad, are you aware that your daughter is posting pictures of herself on the Internet looking like a straight streetwalker? And a streetwalker with abnormally large feet, at that? Didn’t think so. Do you think it’s a coincidence that the name of the shoe is a shortened version of the nickname of perhaps the most famous sexually precocious 12-year-old to ever (sort of) exist? No. Read a book, or at least Google the title and synopsis of one. And while you’re at it, why don’t you Google your daughter and then take away those lace thigh-highs she’s been wearing in her lookbook.nu posts with the sparkly pink Litas she got from Santa.

Let’s have a look.

Here is “Israel,” a 22-year-old from L.A. Are we surprised? Not so much.

Here is “Paulitta,” a 22-year-old artist from Poland. That hipster-Indian thing is very artistic, isn’t it… And that artistic camera angle really flatters the size of those dinosaur feet of yours.

Here is “Amber,” a 21-year-old style editor/fashion blogger from Orange County. So, what we mean is, here is Amber, a 17-year-old kid rebelling against her filthy rich parents by dressing like a working girl. Or else, here is Amber, a 24-year-old kid rebelling against her filthy rich parents while not actually working at all.

Okay, okay. I’m almost done. But because I’ve just been so incredibly negative lately (and by lately, I mean since I was old enough to understand sarcasm and profanity), I thought I’d go out on a positive note.

Here are a few of JC’s creations, be they his design or someone else’s, that I actually really like. And you can get them all right over at your friendly neighborhood Need Supply!

$179

$120

$154

$187

If you hate Richmond and you want local businesses to die a slow and painful death, then you can feel free to check out Solestruck.com for more (like, 800 more) Jeffrey Campbell styles to choose from… Including these babies.

Cha-ching!