ed. note: This story is just for fun and obviously a work of fiction. Enjoy!
I am Elrilion of planet Garcust. It is now I will recount the labor of my glory. Long is my reign as warrior king. Fell is the fatal might of Gemnon, my proven sword. Vanquished are my enemies. Severed and strewn amongst galaxies are the heads of those who conspire against me.
Terrible is my vengeance, for in my resolve is the strength of exploding suns. Five and seventy years I labored to conceive my heir, for great is the need and beauty of my queen.
In the years of my coitus was the theft of the dragon’s blood crystal. Darkness fell upon my kingdom as it was taken from the Crown of Eldvar on the Bust of Equilibrium in the Hall of Chaos. Upon the floors was the ink of the Kuth. The blood of the great emergent dragon that forged the fires of our star cluster was in our crystal; our protection against disorder and the interdimensional treachery of the cephalopod race Kuth3526X2W5.
Far I have traveled in search of our crystal. Upon entry to the Milky Way, my partner Kwelvas received radioactive traces of planet Garcust. They originated where we both feared and suspected. Planet Earth has long been a safehouse of the Kuth3526X2W5 since the almighty Oderus Urungus fused with the Earth’s cuttlefish leader in an unspeakable pact.
Once in atmosphere, we received strong signals from Richmond, Virginia. This is an intergalactically renowned Kuth cesspool and known repository for the spawn of the D.C. interdimensional lizard people. The powers of the Kuth in this allied stronghold would be a true test of Gemnon and would require all the might of I and Kwelvas.
Approaching landing, we received communications that Richmond housed the most recent Kuth spy to be willingly imported to a human observational hall. The leaders of the Maymont Nature Center brought in what they believed to be a young cephalopod. Verily, it was the great galactic thief Gakwasha, the very same scum who stole our crystal.
Kwelvas hacked the mainframe of the Maymont Nature Center, uploading the communications of the mortals under the spell of Gakwasha. Upon detection of our technology, Gakwasha inked the city’s atmosphere. All signal was lost to Garcust and Maymont Nature Center, and any device we could use to find our planet’s radioactive and mineralogical signature were rendered useless. We were forced to cover our spaceship, gather our intelligence, and plan.
There was a file of significance labeled ‘Herbs Galore’ that Kwelvas had managed to download to his cranial processing unit. It was a description of an event with a list of vendors amongst them. Almost all of them were vending plants, and only one of them was vending crystals. We froze in fear as we read the name of the vendor.
KEBauble.
KEBauble is the leader of the most powerful gang in the Milky Way. Our task had once again been compounded in complexity. This would be no mission for Gemnon. A show of force would be fatal to many of those under the command of KEBauble, but our forced retreat and death were far too likely. This was an extraction mission.
To the mortals of Richmond, Virginia, KEBaubles is what you would call a boutique jewelry and crystal vendor. It is a business mainly run on your inferior internet. It was there that we found the leaning obelisk of the dragon’s blood crystal, offered to be exchanged for digital earth country money.
Though this was almost surely the crystal of the Crown of Eldvar, we had no way to verify it was from our planet without touching it and feeling the power that made Garcust. We also had no time for the earth to make two revolutions before we received this crystal.
But our fate would have that this ‘Herbs Galore’ was happening upon the hour. Kwelvas and I would be forced to morph into an earthly form to avoid any undue suspicion in Kuth territory. We have long studied the forms of other planets and have spent much time and practice to be able to become all creatures of the galaxy. With our touch and technologies rendered useless, the earthly sense of smell would be our only true way to differentiate the fuchsite and red jasper dragon’s blood crystals of Earth and Garcust.
It was chosen that Kwelvas would take the form of a Dachshund, the most acute nose of an earthly form that would not arouse suspicion amongst the humans of Herbs Galore. I would be forced to take the form of a man. In the hacking of the Maymont mainframe, I discovered communications between a member of the Maymont team and a writer for a publication in this city. I obtained his image and studied his form, and would be forced to wait behind the trees at the entrance with the morphed form of Kwelvas to incapacitate him and take his clothes and money.
As he came through the cedar tunnel outside of Maymont, I snuck behind him and wrapped my hands around his cranium. I felt his consciousness and form become my own, and quickly dressed in the bushes to avoid suspicion and Earth jail. There was a substance in his body I had only tried once, in university on planet Garcust. This man’s mind was filled with the leaf of the Anunnaki.
Kwelvas reminded me of the severity of our mission, and we walked through the entrance of Maymont to find a land filled with tents selling almost nothing but plants and plant accessories. There was a sign and a tent at the entrance that said you could “LEAF” your plants there. Kwelvas and I immediately recognized this as a psyop of the cephalo-lizard alliance that is the Liberated Earth Alien Front. To any mere mortal, it was just a coat check for plants.
We walked through the tents, feigning interests in terrestrial organisms to imitate normality. The inhabitants of Richmond were all engrossed in the activity, showing the teeth underneath their gums to their fellow humans that they came to Maymont with. We were mostly unmolested in our quest for the crystal, but we did not account for the disturbances the humans would cause to Kwelvas.
There were humans that would stop us to talk about Kwelvas as if he were my earth house pet. Humans have a strange reaction when they ask, and you tell them that he is 900 earth years old. We began to receive strange looks, and I was forced to show human teeth as a gesture of similarity. I gave them the proper English “You thank come” and was off to the tent emblazoned with that hated name. KEBauble.
I and Kwelvas cautiously approached the tent and were met not by a galactic thug, but a kindly woman who showed her teeth to I and Kwelvas. She seemed particularly interested in Kwelvas and gave him much shame when she called him a good boy. I could feel the heat of the proud warrior as he gathered his composure to complete his mission. I made the assumption that this woman was an unfortunate brainwashed victim of KEBauble and was selling earrings and crystals at the whims of criminals.
As my eyes scanned the items humans use to adorn their lobes, they fell upon the sweet leaning obelisk that is the dragon’s blood crystal of Garcust. I picked up the crystal and could feel the balance and peace we have known for epochs on planet Garcust, even through human skin. I gave the woman what little earth dollars this human had and was once again the rightful owner of what was rightfully mine.
I bent down to Kwelvas to make sure that the scent of this crystal could only be from the blood of Garcust. He sniffed just once, and his tail began to wag, a universal sign of positivity. Our mission was nearing completion. We had gone this far undetected.
While we had the crystal, we also could not just hurry out, lest we arouse the suspicion of the Liberated Earth Alien Front. I walked with Kwelvas over to the area where the vibrational manipulation ensemble was performing. I believe on Earth they are called musicians in a band. The leaf of the Anunnaki that was in this man’s mind began to take over, and my form began to undulate and rock to and from as the will of the human’s form began to overtake mine and forced me to shout requests.
There was a pause in the performance, and the leader of the ensemble looked directly at me and asked me to stop asking him to play “Buffalo Soldier.” I knew not of what he spoke and began to fear that he knew that behind this bald half-dead form there was a great intergalactic warrior god. I motioned to Kwelvas that it was time to slowly retreat.
On our way out of Maymont, we gratefully discovered the otherworldly orange glow of the Parallel Nursery tent. To you mere mortals, they are simply hawkers of local pollinator plants, but to the initiated, they are the premier allies of planet Garcust and known enemy of the Kuth. We signaled to them that we were not just a dog and a bald man, and they assured us that the exit was safe and that this was merely a LEAF recruitment event. They gave us a sheath of invisibility for our obelisk, known to your kind as a hot dog bag.
We made our way out of Maymont and morphed back into our fierce and glorious forms, discarding the body of the human behind the same tree I used to conceal myself. Though we passed the house of Gakwasha, we knew it was best to leave undetected and allow for our vengeance to ripen with time. We returned to our ship and made our way back to Garcust.
The ink of Gakwasha that covered the city had penetrated the stratosphere, forcing us to manually navigate our way from Earth. We automated flight once through your asteroid belt and sped through the galaxies until we could see our planet. Upon arrival, I was greeted with the love and appreciation of my subjects.
I gave my thanks to Kwelvas, and assured him that the glory upon our heads was as much his own as mine. I placed the crystal back into the crown on the Bust of Equilibrium and assigned a perpetual guard at the entrance and exits.
With the hall safely guarded, I returned to my home and my queen. The time away had stolen from me the first years of my child. Verily, there are things we must sacrifice if we and our progeny are to live our days. The sight of my growing heir filled my heart with sorrow.
I would not see him for another five and seventy years, for long is the making of warrior kings.
