Richmond has shown me many wonderful and spectacular ways to waste my time, but none quite as good as this one.
Richmond has shown me many wonderful and spectacular ways to waste my time, but none quite as good as this one. Sunday, I attended the RVA date of the Air Sex Championship tour and I saw comedically named players pretend to fuck invisible partners.
It was a beautiful sight.
Comedian and host Chris Trew, who I spoke to last week prior to the date, invited me to attend. Trew was a delight, he told the crowd that watching Air Sex would be equivalent to some of the best real sex that any of us had ever had.
Trew played the Ryan Seacrest of air-fucking that night, and introduced a panel of five judges, people who either had a standing in the comedy community in Richmond (Matt Newman and Katie Holcomb from the Coalition Theatre and comedian/ukelele master Herschel Stratego) or in the sex community (Alison Barber from Taboo) or toured with the show.
There to impress the judges were air sex mimes from the mysteriously named “Bump” to the less mysteriously named “Lumber-Jackin’ It” to the eventual champion “Petra Cock-In-Tail.”
Each had an act even filthier and more interesting than their name.
The true MVP of the evening however, goes to a woman who I only know as The Flying Squirrel Cumsucker. Weirdly enough, she is not the true cumsucker, but a stand-in. When the true cumsucker failed to show when Trew called them, this woman, who was at the bar at Strange Matter, just decided to be the cumsucker.
Her performance in that round got her sent to the finals, where she truly belonged. She offered some of the funniest fake orgasm faces I have ever seen. The fact that she got up there with no planned routine or costume and fucked the hell out of her invisible partner to the tune of Melissa Etheridge’s seminal classic ‘Come To My Window’ was a highlight of the evening.
My favorite moment of the night, however, was split in between two things. One was eventual winner Petra Cock-In-Tail, who was a woman dressed in just a bunny mask and a dress pulling out a normal sized carrot, then a large carrot, and then the largest carrot I have ever seen. This carrot must of been the same length and thickness of my forearm, if not longer.
She then proceeded to pretend to fuck the carrot.
The moment tied with the carrot fucking was when I heard a small conversation between the pair of people behind me, who were almost definitely on a first date. (By the way, I fully endorse the idea of bringing your first date to the Air Sex tour.)
The man, whose face was ecstatic while a man named “Truss Lover Terry” fucked on an imaginary truss while wearing a real hard hat, turned to the woman, who looked extraordinarily annoyed, and just said, in a mousy tone, “are you having fun?”
She may have not been having fun, but I certainly was.
