Tis the season for my yearly foray into METAL CHRISTMAS!
Because look, we have been dealing with these cheesy Christmas songs for over a month. and… well, we’re done with that. The only way we can deal is to make it METAL as possible. I’ve done this for a few years; some of the links have been taken down on past articles. I can’t find the Metal Version of Charlotte Church’s “Silent Night” — it’s been removed everywhere, to my disappointment. That was a favorite of mine. But the new year brings new things. So: this is the new improved and updated list of metal and laughs for your Christmas Day in 2021.
SLEIGH BELLS TIME!
The perfect start because it has our own Dave Witte from Municipal Waste, with Brendon Small (Dethklok), Brann Dailor (Mastodon), and Nick Cageao (Mutoid Men). This is an amazing cover of the King Diamond song “No Presents for Christmas.” See, this is what it’s all about. Metal creative massive with people from some of our favorite bands. Doesn’t take itself too seriously and has fun with it. Two Minutes to Late Night put this fine thing together. Here’s a link to another from them, featuring local drench massive GWAR.
This is a nice collection of all the favorites, but metal. I really enjoy this at 13 minutes in, with the Nutcracker Suite. Plus look at that badass image of Santa. He’s ready to get these presents out no matter what. Zombie Apocalypse? No problem. Santa comes prepared for such minor issues.
Classic. Charlie Brown needed this so bad. He had enough, he’s depressed, and down he brought it, brutal-style. Join in the dancing at home, throw a pit into your family celebration. You gotta love Snoopy handling all the guitar parts here!
Frog Leap Studios has been doing all these really sweet Christmas thrash and metal versions of songs for a bunch of years. He does a lot of various popular songs as well. This is one of the new ones that I really love. It needed a remake, and this guy goes all in on vocals and the videos. Shoot, I could probably just post a bunch of these, as they’re quality every time. Shoot, OK — here’s last year’s:
Metalcore “Here Comes Santa Claus” hits! I think this one is a great choice. The breakdown is particularly sweet. This also has a Nice Zombie Claus image to go with it. It really helps if you stare at it the whole time while the song plays — squint your eyes while you do. Puts me in the mood, for sure.
Grinch time. Small Town Titans really go all in here. Bluesy and groovy, probably Grinch-approved, I would imagine. This is easily one of the best versions I have heard from the massive amounts of covers of this song.
The Darkness made this song quite a few years ago. I am surprised it didn’t get on any of my other lists. It has Justin Hawkins’ signature sound and buildup, like the usual Darkness songs. But of course it’s a Christmas song, and honestly a pretty decent addition. I never really hear this one played out on the radio stations – not that I’m listening to those. But it does seem like it would be a good choice, and something different if nothing else.
YULE VIKING MUSIC, yessssssssss. Yes. Very much a good call. This is not your classic kinda Christmas music, but this works quite well in a lot of situations. This is not a joke, this is for-real good stuff. Also I want that Viking Santa in the image to be Santa from now on.
Let’s have some fun. This guy is my hero. You can not stop the metal; the crowd let you know. The metal is here, and it’s not gonna be stopped. What a classic moment for Britain’s got Talent.
What if Jingle bells were black metal. BLACK METAL CHRISTMAS. My favorite part is where he gets the bell then goes double bass. Ah, so good.
RAMONES. Do I even need to type anything else? I don’t want to fight tonight anyway. This goes on my list of best ever.
Who the hell is MAJESTICA? This is new, this is interesting. This is Majestica. You can find a whole album of this stuff here.
And I thought I wouldn’t find much new for this year’s metal Christmas. But hey, COVID. This one even comes with a whole freaking movie of sorts to “Uplift” you. This is a lot, that’s for sure. It has a message and is based on the true story of the Christmas Truce of 1914. Of course they all fight again once it’s done. But for one moment, for Christmas, they stopped fighting and played soccer. Next day, the slaughter resumed. Oh, this is SABATON in all their glory!
Descendents’ “Christmas Vacation,” live. It’s short but sweet. If you don’t know who the Descendents are, well then shame on you. Basically every hardcore punk band you probably like was influenced by them. Get Milo Goes to College and bask in it.
Never forget. Christopher Lee’s Heavy Metal Christmas is the stuff of legends. He even followed it up in 2013 with A Heavy Metal Christmas Too. My main man Dooku was a walking God.
“Heavy metal has, since its very beginning, surprised in the best sense of the word, and people all over the world. To be involved in that, and to show people that even now I can still surprise my audience, it’s very important. I’ve spent my entire career taking risks. Acting is a risk, it has to be. I’ve never been afraid, and I’ve done my best to take those risks.” — Christopher Lee in Metal Hammer
I needed a heavy one to put on this list. It felt like I was lacking really heavy vocals. But count on Bing to pull through and help me out. If you’re looking for “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” well, here ya go. This should fill that spot nicely.
OK IT’S NOT METAL. But damn, it’s Run-DMC, and I wanted to include this sweet Christmas banger from them. “Christmas in Hollis” is a classic; so good. I should do a hip hop Christmas list, because there are a bunch of funk and hip hop classics that should get a lot of play. Consider this a start-up for it.
Here, enjoy Pustulus Maximus from GWAR killing Santa Claus. Thanks a lot, GWAR, for ruining Christmas for all of us. Who the hell’s gonna bring us presents now? GWAR’S FOR THE KIDS, Y’ALL
Oh, seriously, why not?
RVA Magazine wishes you all a very Merry Christmas!