Satire is a dish best served hot. There is no safe space from it. In fact, its very existence defines the nexus where humor hits nerve. Its side-eye is trained on those too squeamish to look this world directly in its conjuntivitic eyes. We’ve got problems. Huge, huge, problems. They’re not funny. The absurdity of our (non) responses to them is the least funny part, but drives the need for satire the most. When you laugh at what ails us, when you can smell yourself in us, you get X-COPS.
X-COPS, Richmond’s favorite pork sandwich, rose from the costume closet of its wurst export, GWAR. No matter what bullshit they tell you, they’re totally GWAR in human costumes. Why they would choose cop outfits should be obvious if you’re familiar with the violence Antarcticans are known for. All adorned in a variety of unmatching, surplus police outfits, X-COPS makes no small fuss about guns and their absolute authority – in each absolutely wrong and hilariously offensive track on their new EP. Oh, that’s right, they have a new EP out called XCAB.
Their act is as intense and hard as your Trump-addled uncle during an AOC speech. Their lyrics and themes are the height of machismotic tantrums. Their music ranges from Guns & Roses/Motorhead to Suicidal Tendencies with some mid-90’s Ministry on the reacharound. That is to say, I”m pretty sure there’s no sub-genre of punk or metal that they would perform that would surprise me. But we’ll just call it hardcore for the sake of argument.
They opened for GWAR last Halloween at the National (so strange they happened to be available that night) and it reminded me why it feels so good to rally behind the jester. By embodying the effigy of the enemy, they can speak between the thin blue lines of distrust, disdain, and contempt for some of those that work forces/burn crosses. By being the enemy around our mosh-pit campfires, maybe the spirit they mock loses its teeth. It’s been said in one of my favorite movies about not taking it anymore, that “First, you gotta get mad!” I say that’s step two. First, you gotta laugh. Deny the opposition your fear. Show ‘em your ass. Show them their ass.
I met them at (of all places) GWAR Bar with a six pack of incredible maple-bacon donuts from Sugar Shack, to make sure I wasn’t going into the pigsty with a bunch of low blood-sugar swine. One of them was a powdered donut, in case they needed to plant one on someone.
Here’s a cheat sheet for the Bohabs out there for who’s who:
- Michael Derks as Lt. Louie Scrapinetti (guitar)
- Pete Lee as Sgt. Al Depantsia (guitar)
- Casey Orr as Sheriff Tubb Tucker (lead vocals)
- Brad Roberts as Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff (vocals)
- Bob Gorman as Sgt. Mason Zypygski aka Zipper Pig (vocals)
- Paul Burnette as Officer Ed Banger (bass)
- Ryan Parrish as Inmate #8048675309 (drums)
Christian Detres: So, there’s this nasty rumor going around that you guys are just GWAR in human costumes.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti:That’s bullshit.
Sheriff Tucker: That’s bullshit crap. That’s fake news.
CD: Alright, because they told me they were about to drop a diss track with Drake so I don’t know ‘bout all that. ‘You call Kendrick yet?
Sgt. Depanstia: Bring it on. We don’t care.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We’re not afraid of those silly rubber monsters from Antarctica. They’re not real.
Sheriff Tucker: They just have rubber swords. Like we’re gonna win. We got guns.
CD: Who are you if you don’t have a gun?
Sheriff Tucker: You’re no American. That’s for sure.
CD: You’ve got a lot of aggression for public servants. Tell me about your new track “Light em Up”. Unhinged is an understatement. Where’s all that come from? Like, you know, what’s the inspiration?
Sheriff Tucker: Well, obviously the inspiration is the Branch Davidians down in Waco. We heard what was going on down there and thought that sounded like a good time. So we went down there. There was FBI, sheriffs, local police… a cookout every day, man it was a riot. But, after like 52 days, you know we got other shit to do. Yeah, and you know, they weren’t going anywhere, and the governor wasn’t getting anywhere. So it was time to light a match.
CD: You gotta take the first step. Or take the last step. The final step?
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We gave them plenty of time. Too much time.
CD: It says here in the liner notes of the EP that you covered The Police? Of all bands.
Sheriff Tucker: Oh really? Or did they cover us?
CD: I mean, maybe they did. I don’t know. You got the law on your side. As usual, the facts are whatever you say it is. The gun pointed at me right now makes a very convincing argument.
Sheriff Tucker: I found out that they’re just two Limeys in America pretending to be cops. They’re not even real police.
CD: Bobbies at best, amirite?
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We’re gonna have to talk to our lawyer, Banana Flask, about that.
CD: Complete this sentence for me. “All cops are… ?”
ALL: Beautiful!
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: I think that’s kind of one of the reasons that we decided to reform the band. We saw all the nice graffiti out there with the ACAB love. All cops are beautiful. It’s like, it’s time for the X-COPS to make a resurgence. With all of this support out there.
CD: Yeah, it’s been a minute, right? Since the last time you guys played together?
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: Since ‘99. That’s 47 years ago.
CD: 47 years exactly. To the day.
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: We figured it was time to put the FUN in “Defund the Police.”
Officer Ed Banger: I mean, when we were originally touring, you know, cops were all over the TV. People love the cops. Then they had to go and make an example of us to be the ‘few bad apples’ like, “oh, not all cops are bad!” They’re all like the cops on TV. They pointed at us like “these are the bad guys” and they fired us. We’re still pissed off about it to this day. Now people are starting to realize maybe all cops are like those guys that they kicked off the force back in the 90s.
CD: You mean you don’t all rush into harm’s way to protect the innocent? You’re not all the neighborhood’s last hope when things go south?
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We keep it interesting. We’re actually the cream of the crop. We’re the best they had – and they fired us. We got an ax to grind.
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: We watched all the riots and chaos and mayhem during the pandemic. We were like “That looks like fun too!” I was kind of missing it.
Officer Ed Banger: They don’t even have to pay us to bust heads. We’re doing God’s work freelance. We’re doing it as a public service.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We had a whole pantry full of tear gas. We had to do something with it.
CD: Did you guys make it down to VCU last week?
Sheriff Tucker: Oh yeah! We had a keg of pepper spray to share. That and chili dogs.
CD: Wait, so you’re shooting chili dogs at the crowd?
Sheriff Tucker: No, we were eating em. Like, what the fuck?
CD: Well I’m glad you guys are here to protect our freedoms and shit.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We’re normally here to protect freedoms, just not yours. As soon as King Trump is elected, just watch us go. You think we’re over militarized now. Holy shit. You see what’s in my Amazon queue? We got the go ahead from Mr. Trump. We ordered us some shit. Hell yeah!
CD: It is really nice to see our police getting militarized the way it has. I think that’s been really helpful to everyone that has a cat up a tree, or needs roadside assistance. Can’t wait til one of y’all can interrupt a high school brawl with an F-22.
Officer Ed Banger: Well, we gotta keep you animals outta the street somehow.
CD: I guess we need handlers, you know, once in a while. Some of us are really into handcuffs and shit.
Sheriff Tucker: It’s starting to look like the 60s again out there. People are forgetting who’s in charge. Put a flower in our gun barrel, ha. See what happens.
CD: This past Halloween, you played over at the National and I really wanted to hate you guys so bad. I really did, but you all were too good. It really just goes against everything I should believe in. X-COPS are coming back with more firepower this time too. You’re playing on the 10th, right?
Sgt. Al Depantsia: We’re playing this biker/cop bar up in Northside called Another Round. The best thing about this show is that you can go show your support for law enforcement. You don’t even have to step inside the cesspool of crime that is the city of Richmond. It’ll be out in Henrico. We know a lot of the ‘right kind’ of people that don’t want to come into this horrible thing that the Liberals have turned the city into. That’s why we’re playing in Henrico, I mean Thirdreicho. That’s how you pronounce it, right?
CD: Oh my God, Thirdreicho. You just made me shit myself. Hahahhaha. When I was listening to the new EP, I think I heard the most macho lyric in all of music history. Real poetry. I think it was: “I love pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!”
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: I’m pretty sure that was a Carole King quote.
CD: Well, nothing shows real masculinity than getting together with a bunch of dudes and screaming about how much you love pussy. In song. With harmony. Whilst armed.
Officer Ed Banger: First of all, it’s “WE love pussy.” Not I. And that is some woke bullshit. I can smell that sarcasm, boy.
CD: Really? I just smelled bacon.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We do have a few inner department squabbles because we all come from different police forces from all over ‘Murica.
CD: Yeah, I noticed none of your outfits match.
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: We represent diversity in the police force. The jurisdictions have clashed over the years but we had a common interest as ex-cops. Since we were all fired, we decided –
CD: Oh hey, look who just walked in. Hey Ryan Parrish! How are you? I’m sorry, I’m calling you by your dead name. Hello Prisoner #8048675309. I thought I’d have a hard time remembering your digits but those numbers happen to be my old phone number.
Sgt. Al Depantsia: Since it’s been five decades since we played our last show, we have unfortunately had to find a couple of new members for the band. Billy, ol’ Billy Club, is missing an action. We were searching for a new drummer and we heard that there was gonna be a show at Bandidos last night with this band Suppression. We rolled in there, in full force, and stole their drummer. Processed him real good. We got some handcuffs and a smart orange jumper for ‘im.
CD: That’s a damn good idea to pull him out of Suppression. They’re just a bunch of noise anyway. And that guy Jason? Just…
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: We don’t talk about Hodges.
CD: So, 5309, that’s your nickname now, because I’m not saying the whole thing again. You let these dudes push you around. You do realize their ex cops, right?
Inmate #80486753090: They don’t seem to think so. They still have guns.
CD: From what I understand, you are in an actually decent band. I mean, they’re kind of okay I guess [tries to scooch away from the gun barrel pointed at me].
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: Seven decent bands.
CD: Could you list them in order from lame to lamest?
Inmate #80486753090: I’m not allowed.
Sheriff Tucker: We tried to get a gag order but we were denied. So we had to settle for a ball gag order. It took some months to get.
CD: Well you know how wish.com is. Shit takes forever.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: We got it from Temu. Of course it doesn’t fit right.
CD: It’s good to see the band back together again. The hole you fill – metaphorically this time, please put the night stick down – in the sphere of hardcore metal and whatnot, is the act of taking yourself seriously. Very, very seriously. Really speaking from the heart so that we know what our police forces are really feeling. Letting us know what’s on their mind. To hear it straight from the force’s mouth is comforting. We don’t want to eat your doughnuts for you. Let yourselves be heard.
Sheriff Tucker: You better have brought those damn donuts you promised.
CD: I did bring the doughnuts. You don’t have to point that at me. Relax. I feel like the police have been kind of feeling themselves a lot lately. What do you say to the resurgence of policeman pride?
Sheriff Tucker: The thin blue lines are getting wider every day.
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: Whiter too!
Inmate #80486753090: Yeah, their flag’s gotten redder, with like a white circle, and I can’t remember what was in the middle…
CD: I didn’t even know the prisoners were allowed to talk.
Officer Ed Banger: You know that later he’s gonna lose a lot of privileges. Like the privilege to walk straight.
CD: So what advice would you guys give to the Richmond police department that so humbly serves this city?
Sheriff Tucker: Stop being so humble and step up your game? I mean, there are a lot of heads out there. They ain’t gonna bust themselves. Shoot first and then leave. Everybody’s gonna shoot everybody eventually. So you might as well just shoot ‘em right off the bat.
CD: How do you think our officers have gotten to such a reputation?
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: Because they don’t know how to put the tape over the damn bodycam. How fucking hard is that? Everybody can do that and your reputation stays clean.
CD: How do you guys get away with that?
Sheriff Tucker: Well, that’s kinda why we’re ex cops. We do things a little differently. I got me a “boobie cam” instead of a body cam.
CD: Your body cam has X-ray vision???
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: I haven’t charged mine in years. I don’t think it works anymore.
Officer Ed Banger: Mine squirts water.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: My bodycam has its own Onlyfans account.
Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff: Look at mine. ‘Just plays porn. You gotta multitask in this day and age. You can’t just rely on crime.
CD: Sheesh. Is Richmond gonna be like a ‘one and done’ or do you plan to go on a tour?
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: Well, we’re going on tour tonight. We’re going out with this band of punk skateboarders. CKY? They seem to believe that skateboarding is not a crime. We’re going to teach them. Skateboarding is a class 1 felony where I’m from. And then we’ll probably go chasing after those rubber monsters again.
CD: Hopefully you catch them this time. I think they come on stage right after you. But you know, we’ll see. ‘Never can get you in the same room at the same time for some reason.
Officer Ed Banger: We’ll be out with GWAR in June. Then doing our own thing in July – a short East Coast run up to New York and Boston. All the real scummy cities. It’s all just one shitstain up the Jersey Turnpike, all the way up the East Coast.
CD: How does it feel to be able to do this without the other costumes? I mean, how do you like doing this without touring with GWAR? When they’re not in the picture?
Sheriff Tucker: That band is pathetic. I mean, what kind of losers have to put on costumes to play metal? Ridiculous. I mean, it is insane. If your music doesn’t stand by itself without some kind of gimmick then why even do it?
CD: I couldn’t agree more with you. I’m glad that you guys are back. I love the new EP like I seriously have listened to it about 12 times since Freeman sent it to me.
Lt. Louie Scrapinetti: He did what?
CD: I mean, he just let me listen to it. Once. But I had to cover my ears and hum a tune the whole time.
Sgt. Al Depantsia: Would you be saying all this if I hadn’t had this pistol to your head this entire conversation?
CD: I mean, yes, of course. I did honestly try to call 911 a few minutes ago but then one of your phones just buzzed. You didn’t even answer it. ‘Went straight to voicemail.
Officer Ed Banger: We intercepted that shit. You know those brown speaker-looking things up on the towers? You know how easy those are to rewire? You done did it now son…
CD: No. I don’t think anybody should know how easy those are to re-wire. Wait. Where are you taking me??? That’s not even a cop car! You can’t arrest me into a KIA!!!. Child locks?? Noooooo!!!!!
ALL: STOP RESISTING!!!
Main photo by Christian Detres before he disappeared.
