The heavy wine drinking, embittered but charming ladies at Café Darkness are sharing their quick wit with RVA. Want advice from the Barista or The Lone Wolf? Email cafedarkness@gmail.com and see your answers featured on the site.
Dear Cafe Darkness,
My boyfriend/husband/real doll insists in participating in Mustache March. He and bunch of friends have all thrown $20.00 bucks in to see who can have the most rad mustache by March 31st. He’s literally in it to win. The only problem is when I think of mustaches I think of gross, early 80’s porn and hanging out in a van down by the river. What can I do to get through it?
Sincerely,
Hating Mustaches in Manchester
Dear ‘stache hater,
Our first inclination is to tell you to cease and desist sexy times until that lip duster is gone, but then that is also punishing the victim, no? Instead you need take a more Pavlovian approach to Mustache March. The first step is to get as many pictures of Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds as you can. Then, with pictures in hand, watch a little soft core porn. Nothing too freaky-just a little Skinamax action. Switch between your Skinamax and Tom, Skinamax and Burt-but more Skinamax and Burt because he’s a total badass. Eventually you’ll start to associate awesome ‘staches with the sexy. You’ll no longer be repulsed by it, but turned on by it. Before you know it, you and your boyfriend/husband/real doll will have the best March ever!
The heavy wine drinking, embittered but charming ladies at Café Darkness are sharing their quick wit with RVA. Want advice from the Barista or The Lone Wolf? Email cafedarkness@gmail.com and see your answers featured on the site.
Dear Cafe Darkness,
My boyfriend/husband/real doll insists in participating in Mustache March. He and bunch of friends have all thrown $20.00 bucks in to see who can have the most rad mustache by March 31st. He’s literally in it to win. The only problem is when I think of mustaches I think of gross, early 80’s porn and hanging out in a van down by the river. What can I do to get through it?
Sincerely,
Hating Mustaches in Manchester
Dear ‘stache hater,
Our first inclination is to tell you to cease and desist sexy times until that lip duster is gone, but then that is also punishing the victim, no? Instead you need take a more Pavlovian approach to Mustache March. The first step is to get as many pictures of Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds as you can. Then, with pictures in hand, watch a little soft core porn. Nothing too freaky-just a little Skinamax action. Switch between your Skinamax and Tom, Skinamax and Burt-but more Skinamax and Burt because he’s a total badass. Eventually you’ll start to associate awesome ‘staches with the sexy. You’ll no longer be repulsed by it, but turned on by it. Before you know it, you and your boyfriend/husband/real doll will have the best March ever!
Dear Café Darkness,
Ever since The Jersey Shore, my boyfriend won’t stop wearing Ed Hardy. He claims he’s only wearing it ironically, but the other day I caught him coming out of Atlantic Tanning, and last week he started using protein supplements to get “juiced up muscles”. I love my boyfriend but I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Fist Pumps in the Fan
Dear Fist Pumps,
You’re in a bit of a situation. We can relate to what your boyfriend is going through. We caught Jersey Fever last month at one of the theme parties we went to, and even went so far as to wear Bump-Its and “beat the beat” a few times in da club. Luckily, some friends got all intervention on our asses and showed us there is a fine line between loving The Jersey Shore and living The Jersey Shore. We recommend you throw away all Ed Hardy apparel and hair gel immediately. Destroy any “house music” he may have collected, and, most importantly, remind him that a juiced up life is no life at all. Good luck to you.
Dear Café Darkness,
I feel like this has been the winter of my discontent. I’m over it and want it to be ‘donezo’. How can I make it through these last few weeks without going bananas?
Sincerely,
Nada Mas in the Northside
Dear Northside,
This has been a bitch of a winter and we think everyone in the RVA is ready for spring. People are driving like assholes and tempers are short. If we eat anymore cheese whilst watching bad reality television we may not fit into our spring fineries! Our recommendation to get through the last few weeks of the winter is simple: drink your way through it. Pretend it’s the Holidays if need be to justify drinking every night. By getting hamboned on a consistent basis, these last few weeks of winter will merely be a blur of red wine, cigarette hangovers, and being late to work. Plus also, come spring you’ll have a great base for day drinking out of doors. Cheers!
