Earlier this year, VCU students surprised many members of the Richmond community when the university was ranked seventh in the country for its number of students seeking sugar daddies.
Rising tuition costs are often cited by students registered on SeekingArrangement.com, to offset debt. The dating website, which connects “sugar babies” with “sugar daddies,” was founded by MIT graduate Brandon Wade in California in 2006.
VCU moved higher up the site’s annual list for the third year in a row in 2017, which documents the number of new sign-ups from various (dot) edu email addresses.
To understand the dynamics behind these relationships, RVA Mag reached out to a former sugar baby in Richmond. “Ava” (whose name has been changed for privacy) had a four-month relationship with a man which began in the summer of 2015, while she was a sophomore at VCU.
“He was a doctor in his 60s, and I was a waitress at 23,” she said. “I was barely making it in Richmond . . . I was working at a failing new restaurant and having a difficult time paying the bills. I was also in school and couldn’t afford my books, my classes. I was contemplating dropping out.”
In less than a day she received a response from “John,” among several others from younger men. She responded to John because she felt the others may expect more from her sexually — older men typically had more money, she said, and looked for emotional investments.
On the site, women can list their preferred income and discuss the sexual terms of their arrangements with potential suitors. For Ava, it started with a date.
“We sat next to each other at Secco {Wine Bar},” she said. “I was really anxious, but friends knew where I was and waited at a bar down the street in Carytown. When I met him, I realized he was more nervous than I was.”
Ava’s arrangement with John started under an “emotional-only” assumption. The relationship didn’t progress to physical involvement for several weeks.
“At first I wanted to use him,” she said. “For everything he was worth. I hated men. I found it creepy until I got to know him…then my perspective changed, I didn’t expect it to be an emotional investment. I thought I only needed my physical appearance.”
John paid Ava $100 for their first date.
Women typically receive anywhere from $50 to $300 for dinner dates according to Ava, often alongside presents or tips. Sugar babies can demand more based on escort experience and what they are or aren’t willing to do — in short: more fetishes, more money.
“These women are in control over their bodies,” Ava said. “She picks when and where to meet. I didn’t have a pimp or anything, I was on my own with this.”
Sugar daddy relationships are, by nature, set aside from other means of sex work by putting control in the woman’s hands. Some sugar babies are drawn to them as an alternative to prostitution.
According to a 2014 New York Post article, Wade said that the site was created to “empower women”.
“A sugar baby is an empowered woman who is tired of dating losers that contribute nothing to her life,” Wade said in the statement. She has made a commitment to only date men who will help her to achieve her goals.”
And Ava shared that sentiment in her experience using the site.
“I felt empowered on these dates with John because I had the upper hand,” Ava said. “I think there is this stigma behind women getting paid for sexual or non-sexual favors. If we don’t have our reproductive rights, we don’t have freedom of sexual expression either.”
Ava believes legalizing prostitution would make sex work safer for women in all walks of the industry. Laws in Nevada, the only U.S. state so far to legalize it, set regulations that protect women from STDs and violence. Other arguments claim that decriminalization would reduce rapes among sex workers by making it safer for women to come forward or seek help.
The shift in beliefs toward legalization is a growing trend. Various studies cite increases in violent crimes against sex workers with higher discrimination. According to The New York Times, laws against prostitution unfairly victimize women.
“Prostitution laws in the United States were developed from confused and contradictory impulses, to punish and help sex workers at the same time, reflecting our society’s ambivalence and hypocrisy about sex, male desire, and women’s sexual anatomy,” said Carol Leigh, director of the Bay Area Sex Workers Advocacy Network.
Sugar daddy relationships provide women the security of having control. The intimacy of long-term relationships (versus the transactional nature of prostituting) builds a level of trust and allows the woman to dictate her terms.
“I get to decide what I will and won’t do,” Ava said. “For me, being sex-positive also gives me a better view of my body. I feel strong when I’m able to tell men ‘no’ and ‘fuck off’ without feeling any threat from them.”
As her relationship progressed with John, Ava became more comfortable moving into a sexual arrangement.
“He took it slow,” she said. “I liked that about him the most. He never pushed me, and if I didn’t want to do anything he respected my wishes. Later he wanted to give me a full massage, and I was hesitant at first until he said he’d pay me $1,500 to let him do it.”
When she was still on the website, Ava saw many women charging $1,000 to $3,000 for sex each time.
“When it happened I felt a bit weird,” she said. “After thirty minutes he left and I saw the money on my living room table, counted it and felt glad that I did it. It was worth it.”
For Ava, the connection with John ran deeper than their arrangements. Together they developed a close friendship aside from their relationship.
“All John wanted was someone to pamper and provide for,” she said. “He would buy me books and leave money between the pages. I remember he bought me herbs for my garden once, he was very thoughtful. I had never been taken care of in that way before and it was exhilarating.”
“I enjoyed his conversations, and his empathy,” she said. “With John, I had no reservations. Not with him. It was a mutual relationship that was also built on trust, there was nothing unusual about it. I’m sure we looked strange as a couple, but we never felt like strangers.”
Ava, like many others, believes students are entering these relationships more often because of hikes in tuition and the burden that modern college costs put on her generation. This year, VCU is considering another tuition increase of 3 to 5 percent to make up for cuts from state funding.
Nationally, students have seen tuition fees increase while average wages lagged. Contrary to popular belief, poor work ethic is hardly a factor in the millennial struggle to afford higher education.
“A lot of students are in debt and don’t have anyone else to support them,” Ava said. “For a lot of them, this is really the only way that they can survive. There were times I did it just to buy groceries. This is the safest form of sex work.”
What equaled a summer’s work in the ’80s is a distant dream for most of today’s students. College tuition increased nearly 260 percent from 1980 to 2014, compared to only a 120 percent increase on all other commodities. On top of tuition hikes, minimum wage has failed to keep up with inflation while government funding to universities has been cut by 40 percent.
“Students will do anything for money at times like this,” Ava said. “I feel like there’s such a difference in classes that when you’re lower class you feel like there’s no way out of it. I really wanted to finish my degree but there was no way I could do it without a second income. Most men were more likely to help you out if you were in college, they wanted to be part of your success story.”
As far as safety precautions go, SeekingArrangement.com pretty much leaves it up to the user to make their best judgement. According to the site, it doesn’t perform background checks on every member, however it uses Optimum Screening, which screens for “sex crimes, registered sex offenders, warrants, felonies and domestic violence.”
It advises members to “do their own research”, warns of “sex and financial opportunists”, and gives some general safety tips here.
Ava said she felt safe and for other sugar babies she knew, very few had bad experiences.
“There were friends I had that were doing the same thing, and we looked out for each other,” she said. “That felt empowering. They didn’t all have good experiences, but the only truly “bad” experience they had was not getting paid on the first date.”
On the national list, Ava says she believes VCU ranks higher than other universities because of its culture.
“VCU is a lot more open about diversity and gender equality,” she said. “Students at VCU are a lot more aware of feminism…they know what it actually means. I think we see a lot of injustices around us here that cause us to have to be more aware of our rights. And I think it’s frowned upon at other schools as being risky, or rebellious, because they have a different view entirely.”
While Ava’s relationship ultimately came to an end when she found a monogamous partner, she doesn’t have any regrets over her time with John. The two ended their relationship on good terms.
“Looking back, I was doing all I could do at the time,” she said. “He made me realize that I am a worthy human being by making me realize that money was always the only thing holding me back. Nothing else was ever stopping me.”
To date, SeekingArrangment.com has 10 million active members, 8 million sugar babies, 2 million sugar daddies and mommas, and 139 countries using the site.
