The Post-Scoring Revolution: How Washington R-Words fans learned to stop worrying and love the game

by | Sep 18, 2015 | POLITICS

Hey, a win’s a win.

[WARNING: I will be using the term “R-Words” throughout this article because I have no idea what’s right anymore]

Hey, a win’s a win.

[WARNING: I will be using the term “R-Words” throughout this article because I have no idea what’s right anymore]

It wasn’t pretty and the Miami Dolphins may have “outscored” the Washington R-Words but that doesn’t take away the fact that the R-Words got their first victory Sunday. Sure, many out there would probably say the Dolphins won, but Washington fans respectfully disagree. It’s time someone finally said it: the “records” and “standings” the media has been drubbing fans with are classic money-making schemes.

R-Words fans follow the beat of a different drummer. Whether that drummer misses his drum every once in a while and lets his drumsticks fly, or whether his performances typically end with him looking at the audience through the hole he accidentally made in his drum, is irrelevant.

The R-Words won on Sunday. How do we know? Because we believe we won.*

Something finally clicked on Sunday evening, mere hours after the game ended, and R-Words fans are collectively rubbing their wrists from the years of tight shackles. There Washington fans all were, bemoaning the “loss,” as the media loves to frame it, when our feelings took a curious about face and the symptoms of a victory were exhibited.

Kirk Cousins WAS poised after he threw his first of two interceptions.

Alfred Morris DID rush for 121 yards.

Washington KILLED Miami in time of possession: 37:54 – 22:06

Chris Culliver and Keenan Robinson ALMOST intercepted Ryan Tannehill. Good try!

Our guys DID fight hard. You’re right, Jay Gruden! We ARE proud of them.

These were the prevailing takeaways when Monday morning arrived. We began to deem the archaic way of determining winners and losers (keeping score) unsustainable, if not a lie, altogether. The entire 16-year Dan Snyder era has led to this moment. This is a revolution. The evil metaphysical force we mistakenly refer to as the R-Words has turned Washington fans into the most progressive fan base in the league.

We’re “post-scoring.”

We know what you’re thinking, rest of the league. No, this is not self-protection. No, this has nothing to do with being recently dragged through the muck and coming out deranged in one of the most trying emotional trials of our lives: the rise and fall of RGIII. And no, this is way different than turning gay in prison. We have other options; we just finally see through it all. We see the Matrix.

What to expect vs. St. Louis in Week 2

The Rams are good now; there’s no way around it.

It may or may not have anything to do with the massive roster building they have been accomplishing since acquiring a slew of extra draft picks from 2012 to 2014, from an undisclosed source.

The Nick Foles trade seems to be panning out. The St. Louis defensive line is stacked, and they proved it by sacking Russell Wilson six times last week. Just scoring 30+ points should feel a lot like meeting a peer who makes six figures for Washington fans. Oh, and by the way, the Rams actually beat the Seahawks, which is enough to scare everyone.

But all of this is irrelevant. How are the R-Words doing? That’s all that matters.

A victory is certain as long as we accurately express our expectations, which is something I tell my wife every day.

Last week, it was all about controlling the clock with a strong running game. Check. Everyone was pulling for Brandon Scherff and Morgan Moses to fare reasonably well in their debut against one of the most dominant defensive line duos in the league, Suh and Wake. Check. Captain Kirk needed to pull himself together after throwing a pickle. Check.

This week, it’s about steps forward.

A repeat of the running game and game clock dominance is vital. Let’s pepper in some touchdowns, shall we? Long, meticulous drives need points at the end or else they are just plain boring.

Alfred Morris needs 20+ carries. The stats are ridiculously in Washington’s favor when this happens… err… in the old way of scoring.

Cousins needs to throw a touchdown to a wide receiver, something the Washington didn’t do last week and only did 11 times in 2014, with all three of its quarterbacks. (There’s got to be a joke in there somewhere about how many R-Words quarterbacks does it take to throw a wide receiver touchdown… somewhere, if I just look hard enough…)

The R-Words need to commit less than 7 penalties. This one’s just about acting like a grown-up.

Special teams needs to not allow a freaking touchdown. Ninety yard returns are fine, at this point. NO TOUCHDOWNS.

Oh, what’s that you say? Talking about scoring on offense and not allowing touchdowns seems contradictory to R-Words fans’ new post-scoring philosophy? You’re missing the point. It’s about expectations met. Obstacles overcome. It’s the marathon mindset; you versus yourself.

Look, we’re happy, okay? Who are you to argue with what makes us happy? The rest of the league needs to ask themselves this question: are you really happy? 31 out of 32 teams turn out to be losers every year, by your standards. Frankly, it would serve several other obvious fan bases well to join the revolution right now. Listen up, Oakland and Jacksonville fans.

It’s a wonderful world where dropping interceptions is as good as catching them. Join us.

*George Costanza taught us this: “It’s not a lie if you believe it.”

Brad Kutner

Brad Kutner

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