Two terms Washington football pundits loved to throw around before the R-Words’ loss to the Falcons on Sunday were “competitive” and “winning formula.”
Two terms Washington football pundits loved to throw around before the R-Words’ loss to the Falcons on Sunday were “competitive” and “winning formula.”
There are no two more terrifying words in the Washington R-Words dictionary than “competitive” and “winning formula.”
[WARNING: I will be using the term “R-Words” throughout this article because I have no idea what’s right anymore]
Thank you, R-Words, for the insult. We actually believed that being a competitive team was something to celebrate. Kudos to the bang-up brainwash job the Washington R-Words had successfully achieved on its fans. Look no further than North Korea for a doppelgänger of a situation: a puppeteer dictator making his pitiful subjects believe not being murdered is a victory.
And so, we raised up our hands to welcome the R-Words pageant down the main street of our minds after winning two out of four games. Oh, the competitiveness! we raved.
Imagine attending a marathon and empathetically cheering each runner because they have legs; then immediately hold a mirror up to yourself. Powerful, isn’t it? It has to be in that order, or you’ll just wonder how you would look doing it.
R-Words fans lapped it up, the starving alley dogs that we are, and trotted around singing the praises of that particular restaurant dumpster we had come upon. It was just as good as the restaurant itself, we swears.
Then came the dagger: the R-Words have a winning formula. Not only is their score going to be constantly within striking distance of the other team’s, but the R-Words actually know how a victory is attained. They’ve added their first notecard to the recipe tin.
Run ball.
Don’t let them run ball.
Watch clock numbers go down.
If we have ball forever, they can’t have it ever!
Cook time: 60 min
There’s no problem with an NFL team actually having a winning formula, but there is a great problem in only having one. I guarantee the Patriots have upgraded their recipe tin to an iPad because the notecard thing is just getting out of hand. Sure, one is better than zero, Gruden believers, which was our problem before, but you don’t enter cooking contests if you only have one recipe that’s only worked like one time.
The more critical problem with the Washington R-Words, in particular, having a winning formula is that they can do what they did against the Falcons to you. They can flip the script the bird. According to the recipe, Washington was supposed to run the ball down Atlanta’s throats and stop Devonta Freeman cold. It was the pass defense that was supposed to be suspect.
None of that happened. Baushad Breeland and Will Blackmon somehow shut down Julio Jones and Matt Ryan, but the vaunted R-Words run defense was embarrassed. Throw in Alfred Morris and Matt Jones doing squat, and you have utter confusion.
But the only thing that display gave us clarity on is our scapegoat. We’ve got to get back to our bread and butter, you’ll find yourself saying this Sunday. Mind you, our bread and butter was about a three-week fling, but we won’t remember that.
This is the sum of all our fears, Washington fans: having a team that is competitive and has a winning formula makes you believe they might win any game. This is poison. The R-Words will lose most of their games this season; it’s just going to be a guessing game as to which few they won’t. In reality, they will maybe win seven games this season.
Oh, notice your blood pressure rise and your heart palpitating at the notion!
But but but, the NFC East is so terrible this year! If we can win SEVEN games, then maybe we can sneak out with EIGHT or God strike me down… NINE wins!
[Gollum!]
…and make the playoffs!
[Gollum!]
Look, have your fun. Enjoy your dumpster food, but I just ask that you don’t poison others with the stuff.
The Interception
It wasn’t Captain Kirk’s fault. I know, I know. Kirk has a penchant for trying too hard to win games and will squeeze throws in tiny windows that result in multi-interception games. He was off-target plenty in the second half of the Atlanta loss, but he came on strong in the final minutes of the game, and by golly, he was playing smart football in overtime.
Ryan Grant slipped and that’s that. Sorry, there isn’t more to this story. Don’t file this away into your Kirk-Cousins-is-Rex-Grossman-in-disguise conspiracy theory drawer. Delusions of grandeur is a symptom of being a Washington R-Words fan. I, for one, choose to not subscribe to them.
That brings to me to something interesting I’ve noticed. Ryan Grant is a robot. Or at least an cyborg. The evil metaphysical force we call the Washington R-Words designed him, programmed him, and remotely controlled his “slip” on Sunday, I’m sure of it.
Ryan Grant is a little known 5th round choice from last year who the R-Words tout as a perfect route runner. The proof is in the pudding.
“Ryan, he is a technician is what he is,” said head coach Jay Gruden. “If you draw a play up on a chalkboard he’ll do it exactly right. He’s very good at doing what he’s asked to do, he’s very defined in all his routes. He’s probably our best route runner, pure route runner. He gets in and out of breaks in a hurry. He’s got big strong hands.”
You heard it, too, right? He’s a technician, who can immediately perform a scan and record any image you draw for him, and replicate it perfectly. Never mind the part about his big strong hands. That’s just maybe the part of Grant’s unit design that got him onto Gruden’s team in the first place…
I’m going to let the part about him getting in and out of breaks in a hurry slide. (See what I did?)
The Real Winning Formula
The R-Words has you now, and there’s no escape from its slimy meshes. No matter how hard I’ve worked to point it out, you really believe the R-Words always have a chance.
The truth remains: the vindictive being we call the R-Words is out to cause R-Words fans pain, and we’ve just been peppered some hope. Why make the cyborg Grant slip in overtime? There’s such a thing as too much hope. Once people starting throwing around, “Captain Comeback,” we should have seen it coming.
On Sunday, look for the R-Words to win against the Jets on the field, for the soul purpose of winning your souls in the long run off the field.
Imagine the prospect of a bye week at 4-3 in two weeks… and you’re already ready to take off work to revel, aren’t you?
Mmm, that’s good risotto. Who would throw this away?
