[WARNING: I will be using the term “R-Words” throughout this article because I have no idea what’s right anymore]
“Baylor statue, these clock hands are huge!” said Robert. Everyone knows RGIII always says “Baylor statue” when he’s frustrated, so no one below flinched. Granted, they were hundreds of feet below. No one probably heard the 2012 2nd-overall pick shouting obscenities, at least what Robert Griffin III would consider obscenities. The human-sized hands of the J. J. Watt-sized clock were impervious. He needed 2012. He needed his rookie of the year body back. He would do anything to get it.
[WARNING: I will be using the term “R-Words” throughout this article because I have no idea what’s right anymore]
“Baylor statue, these clock hands are huge!” said Robert. Everyone knows RGIII always says “Baylor statue” when he’s frustrated, so no one below flinched. Granted, they were hundreds of feet below. No one probably heard the 2012 2nd-overall pick shouting obscenities, at least what Robert Griffin III would consider obscenities. The human-sized hands of the J. J. Watt-sized clock were impervious. He needed 2012. He needed his rookie of the year body back. He would do anything to get it.
What if I hang from them? He thought to himself. Maybe that’ll help.
He shimmied.
They. Just. Won’t. Budge!
Or would they? He felt himself drop a little. They had moved a hair backward–or was his mind playing tricks on him and on everyone? He hung there for what seemed like an entire NFL first quarter. He pulled himself back up with ease. After all, Robert Griffin III was a freak of nature.
As he convinced himself they would never move, he shook his head. 2012 was long gone. Before he walked away, he did what anyone would do: He kicked it. He reared up his left leg and gave it a solid, wayward whack.
“R**skins!” he shouted, grabbing at his left ankle, “That’s not the 2012 I was looking for!”
Griffin wept.
———————————-
I hope no one forgets this game. This is the game when our savior got hurt for the last time. R-Words fans everywhere are currently self-protecting by forgetting RGIII, like a bad girlfriend who died. Now we don’t have to break up with her. Oh, did that sound terrible? Good. R-Words fans used to love Griffin. Everyone wanted one of those Obama rip-off posters that said “HOPE” at the bottom. Half of the R-Words fans jerseys at FedEx Field are RGIII jerseys. RGIII was better than Russell Wilson once, before the knee injury. It could very well be that RGIII is ends up at the top of those top-10 lists, ranking NFL players whose careers were tragically cut short due to injury. Move over, Bo Jackson.
It needs to be reiterated: if you’re a villain, you have to admire how the R-Words dig the knife in. RGIII was starting to look good. Be it only two offensive drives, you could tell. His swagger was there. His legs were a threat again after two runs for 22 yards. He was deadly accurate on his first three throws, all downfield. It felt like he was turning the clock back. Then, exactly in R-Words fashion, the throw he injured his ankle on was the type of play he was drafted for. Clapping and high-fiving was turned into concern. He was rolling right at a high speed, giving DeSean Jackson time to get open. He leapt, throwing the ball across his body for a 19-yard strike. “Vintage RGIII!” could be heard in R-Words fans’ living rooms across America. Then he laid and writhed. He was crying as he was carted off. Maybe he knew what most of us know. It’s over for him, at least for a little while in the NFL, and probably permanently with the R-Words. It’s Captain Kirk’s ship now.
It stands to reason that the only scenario in which RGIII plays for the R-Words again is in game 1 of the 2015 season, and that is unlikely. Here’s why. He may be out for the season, but there is hope (poison) he returns. We don’t know the specifics of his ankle dislocation yet, but we do know it does not require surgery. This, allegedly, puts Griffin on a best-case scenario timetable of a six to eight week recovery. The only reason they would risk rushing Griffin back into the starting line-up is if the R-Words have playoff potential, and Griffin gives the R-Words the best chance to win. But…
–If they are in the playoff hunt in week 10, that means Captain Kirk is playing well, which means it’s his ship. Cousins is good. RGIII gets traded in the off-season. Cousins is our new franchise quarterback. R-Words fans always talk about how they thought Cousins should have been starting anyway. Yay!
–If the R-Words play terribly before Griffin’s return, this means Cousins is not the quarterback we thought he was (or just the mediocre one we saw in the last three games of 2013). Cousins is not good. RGIII will still not play. Gruden won’t risk injuring their 2015 starting quarterback, or their 2015 off-season trade bait on a tanked season. At that point, the R-Words may consider, and probably should consider, using their newly awarded top-5 pick in the draft for being terrible on drafting their next quarterback. Yay!
–The most likely scenario is that the R-Words are actually a metaphysical evil presence out to hurt R-Words fans, as I have suspected. The R-Words play mediocre across the board by the time RGIII can return around week 11. Cousins has been confusingly okay, not bad, not great, and the R-Words are say, 5-5. Gruden decides to keep Cousins in week 11 against the Bucs, who the R-Words should beat. They lose. Cousins doesn’t look good and RGIII is ready to go. RGIII goes in week 12, and by the end of the season, after either another injury or mediocre play, no one still knows what the H-Word to do. We look for our next quarterback in free agency, not the draft, and trade for Tom Brady. Yay!
I recognize that it looked like those were all scenarios to prove RGIII will not play for the R-Words until 2015. Notice, however, it began with, “it stands to reason.” The R-Words never stand to reason.
This is why R-Words fans should absolutely not fall into the trap of thinking Washington’s spanking of the Jaguars, 41-10, is any indicator of future success. Everything is to be learned in Week 3 against the Eagles.
Reasons for Depression
The R-Words just demolished Jacksonville. It was an all-out rout. The Jaguars, however, are terrible. Last week, the R-Words did what they always do: shoot themselves in the foot, help another team break records, and make that team look far superior than they are. Houston won again this week, convincingly, but it was against the Raiders. There are only three other teams that do what I’ve just described on a consistent basis. The Bills, the Raiders, and the Jaguars. We still don’t know if Houston is any good, and we certainly don’t know if Washington is any good. The Jags are the only team better at doing what the R-Words do. The R-Words were playing themselves, only a worse version.
Jacksonville is playing a waiting game for third overall pick Blake Bortles to be ready. In the meantime, they are starting a sub-par quarterback, Chad Henne, behind a terrible offensive line, without their top wide receiver, Justin Blackmon, who is serving a suspension. The Jaguars O-line allowed 50 sacks last year and they haven’t had a 1,000 yard rusher since 2011. This makes Washington sacking Chad Henne 10 times sound a little less glorifying. The 10 sacks tied a Washington franchise record. Sound familiar?
The Jags’ defense is also atrocious. When you start to think that Niles Paul looks like Vernon Davis out there, that should smell a little bit flukey. Our third string, undrafted running back, Silas Redd, made an all-pro-like cut back for a 14-yard touchdown. Those were two guys playing in the second half all preseason. Let’s pump the breaks on the enthusiasm.
There are two players at crucial positions who are terrible. Bacarri Rambo gave up another big play for a touchdown on a bad angle, cementing that he’s a really bad safety. Right tackle Tyler Polumbus continually gives up sacks and gets blown up on run plays.
Reasons for Hope (Poison)
The R-Words sacked Chad Henne 10 times! This has to mean something. Ryan Kerrigan must have been binge-watching that J. J. Watt tape from last week, because he did a by-golly uncanny impression, tallying four sacks against the Jags. Jason Hatcher got 1.5. Sadly, Brian Orakpo, who is in a contract year, only got one. Poor guy.
Brandon Meriweather comes back next week to take over for the really bad Rambo. He’s at least better.
The running game is the only actual reason for hope at all this season. The jury is still out on the rest. Alfred Morris continues to look stellar. He is officially not a Shanahan product, which is a huge relief. Roy Helu is a strong change of pace with good hands on third down. The R-Words offensive line is one of the best run-blocking lines in the NFL. The Shanahans can be thanked for that. They have some room for improvement in the passing game, mostly because of Polumbus.
Then there’s Captain Kirk. No matter how bad the Jags are, he looked extremely competent. His throws were on the money. Being a layman, it’s hard to tell how good his decision-making was, but he continually made them. RGIII did that all the time in 2012, but hadn’t of late. It was refreshing to see. Also, commentators love to talk about “going through reads,” and Cousins’ head swiveled a lot before he threw it, leading one to believe he does this well. There’s a palpable confidence in Captain Kirk. The game-plan is still to attack through the air when he comes in. He spreads the ball around, although if we are to win, he needs to get the ball to his playmakers. He may just be used to playing with Niles Paul and Ryan Grant in the preseason. Garcon needs more than one catch, and Desean Jackson needs to be very involved when he returns.
While Cousins wisely said “this is Robert’s team” after the game, it’s not anymore. If he wants to be the R-Words franchise quarterback, he has the next eight games, at least, to prove it. RGIII is too brittle to be chosen over a solid winner under center. The pundits have been calling for Cousins to take over for a while now. Michael Irvin, who is one of the most famous C-Words of all time, jumped on the bandwagon after the game, which is a very C-Word-like thing to do. The thing that’ll really stick with me was when he said:
“Desean Jackson wasn’t on the field. Pierre Garcon only caught one pass. This kid [Cousins] still led that team to 41 points! Somebody with a brain is sitting there, saying, whoa, what if I had those other guys around him? We could have had 81 points!”
Clearly, you were that somebody, Michael.
Verdict
The R-Words are incredible. They, or better yet, it, knows exactly how to cause pain and pepper fans with hope to poison their souls. The recipe is simple: one part depression, one part hope. Sunday was a strong dose of confusing hope, after the large serving of depression that the loss to Houston was. Sometimes, much like the good Lord, the R-Words, in its sovereignty, turns its evil eye on one person. I foolishly predicted before Week 1 that RGIII would get injured again. It has come to pass. If this continues, as I’m sure it will, my wife will become “accidentally” pregnant. The baby won’t be mine. I’ll kill the bastard (the other guy, not the child), and will flee to Ecuador, where I will be selling ponchos at a local stand. And I will end up still bowing down to the R-Words.
If these articles cease, you’ll know why. I will name the boy Griffin, as his namesake and I are linked. It will be fitting, also, because the boy will have talons. I think my life might end up turning into Rosemary’s Baby. R-Words’ baby.
All will be learned in Week 3 against the Eagles, an actual good team:
Is Kirk Cousins Kurt Warner and Steve Young incarnate, the backup who takes the reigns for the injured started and never lets go? Or is he one of the dozens of backups who take over every year and stay backups? Will he drop a stinker on Sunday? A Captain’s log?
Is the defensive line actually good?
Will the special teams continue to be forgettable for another week?
Will Brandon Meriweather help put a stop to the big pass plays Rambo made a habit of giving up weekly?
Will the R-Words score 81 points?
DeSean Jackson looks like he’ll be back. It stands to reason.
