Some genius on Craigslist pretty much nailed some of the feelings many of us only talk about in the shadows – RVA has changed.
Some genius on Craigslist pretty much nailed some of the feelings many of us only talk about in the shadows – RVA has changed.
Now obviously all of this is a joke, especially because some of these folks mentioned below are our advertisers, but a healthy level of dissent never hurt anyone, right?
This ins’t Syria, we’re allow to make jokes and have opinions. Make America Great Again… or something.
But seriously, the line about Helen’s being Applebees with more tattoos is fucking hilarious.
Alright, here’s a link to the original post, otherwise it’s copied below. As always, feel free to reply here!
Hello,
Whatever you heard, Richmond is a very fucked up place.
Please do not come here.
We only have one liquor store in town: “Fast Eddie’s Wine Emporium,” 40oz beers are outlawed, and the liquor store is only open 8AM-12PM, every other Tuesday….starting in June.
The local police department hands out free cash vouchers to people weekly, and hasn’t broken up a basement show since the early Reaganic Period.
If you accept their money, you are a police synthesizer or something.
The Mayor is a KKK Imperial Wizard (Lvl. 25, with +5 to Fireball) that holds “Boyz In The Hood” block parties all summer.
Per city ordinance, no one is allowed to be paid wages in currency. That means you will only be able to spange in Barry Manillow tapes…and the going rate for a leather fanny pack at the thrift store is 35 Barry Manillow tapes (steep)
There has been a huge influx of immigrants from Luxembourg that you will have to compete with when flying signs on Belvedere Avenue.
Contrary to what your buddy Lost Dog told you, the “hop” isn’t actually in city limits-the train yard is at Quantico Marine Base.
There are no punks here.
There are no punk venues here.
GWARBAR and Helen’s are just Applebee’s with more tattoos.
Iron Regan is actually a Christian Youth Ministry, and Occultist is an Interpretive Dance Group.
Dane Cook does standup here every Friday at the National, and it sells out everytime.
There is no organic dog food.
The waitlist for food stamps is currently at the 2005 applicants.
There are no blacks, gays, or women in town. Everyone here is white, Dad’s, and 45+.
Due to the recent dumping of toxic chemicals into the James River, there have been larger-than-average possums that eat cats and dogs…Animal Control is looking into it.
The only “punk” record store here, Vinyl Conflict, was bought last week by an elderly Laotian man named “Khan” and currently only sells Karaoke supplies.
The lake effect from Lake Anna has caused a polar vortex that has dropped temperatures drastically: the average wind chill is -65 degrees.
Face tattoos are a symbol to our thriving Hammerskin community that you have been punked out in county, and are currently looking for a new Bubba.
Everyone wears Carhart and fanny packs, and has dreadlocks…it’s hard to stand out sometimes.
No one showers here either.
The city, in an effort to reduce crime, has banned dental floss. No one can sew anything together as a result, and the black market trade in minty string has caused heroin and cocaine prices to skyrocket.
Please refer yourself and your friends to either:
Thompkins Park, NYC
French Quarter, NOLA
Allston, Boston
Red And Black Cafe, Portland
Thank you.
