Let’s be honest, men’s sandals aren’t cool. They are appropriate for certain occasions, where large bodies of water are involved, but otherwise they fail as fashionable footwear. The look vigorously teeters between “I love pedicures” and “Pass the bowl, brah,” depending on what they’re paired with. The most important reason why people should hate men’s sandals? Jimmy Buffett thinks they’re cool. If Jimmy Buffett said life was cool I would kill myself.
Let’s be honest, men’s sandals aren’t cool. They are appropriate for certain occasions, where large bodies of water are involved, but otherwise they fail as fashionable footwear. The look vigorously teeters between “I love pedicures” and “Pass the bowl, brah,” depending on what they’re paired with. The most important reason why people should hate men’s sandals? Jimmy Buffett thinks they’re cool. If Jimmy Buffett said life was cool I would kill myself.
While most men’s sandals are a crime against fashion, there are a few styles that are more like a rape than a misdemeanor. When Reef put together the line of sandals incorporating flasks, storage compartments and bottle openers, a Pandora’s box of bro chillery was released upon the world. It’s not like potheads ran out of places to hide their weed; Reef just added one more place they can lose it. And if you can’t afford the five buck beer at the Dave Matthews concert, you probably shouldn’t have bought the $60 ticket.
If you didn’t come directly from a soccer game, there’s no better way to say “I’m a tool” than those black Adidas athletic sandals with the little rubber pips on the inner sole. No one cares that you just pumped iron at the gym. Birkenstocks suck. The only places people still think they’re cool are drum circles at Bonnaroo, and most of those people are tripping. From the 1900s to the 1940s, Birkenstocks became a popular shoe in Germany, where they were originally made. You know what else became popular in Germany around the same time? Rounding up Jews. Take that, hippies. Let’s not even talk about dress sandals. They’re the footwear equivalent of a tuxedo t-shirt.
Technically, Crocs are more clogs than sandals, but they need to be mentioned out of sheer principle. Crocs are one of the largest follies in the history of apparel. People that buy these shoes of their own free will should be fitted with tracking collars. The courts should provide these shoes to pedophiles as means of identification. If Humphrey Bogart’s stylist presented him with these shoes in 1949 he would’ve backhanded her. Since their first release in 2002, Crocs have been more detrimental to the world of fashion than the deaths of Chanel, Laurent and Ferragamo combined.
There are plenty of fashionable shoes that can be worn sockless. For starters, try some canvas Vans or a pair of Sperrys. They aren’t original but they are basically fail-safes. Besides, you probably aren’t doing something so important that you can’t take an extra 30 seconds out of your day to put on socks. Einstein found time. Churchill found time. Who the fuck are you?
