Washington R-Words Week Six (Non) Recap: Top 16 Reasons Why the R-Words are Terrible

by | Oct 14, 2014 | POLITICS

The R-Words are 1-5, and dipping back into last season, have lost 18 of their last 22 games. Winning only four games over the last two seasons is the worst record of any NFL team. Luckily, misery has company.

The R-Words are 1-5, and dipping back into last season, have lost 18 of their last 22 games. Winning only four games over the last two seasons is the worst record of any NFL team. Luckily, misery has company. The Raiders and Jaguars have also only won four. This is a hilarious statistic. Seriously, laugh. Because if you’re not, you’ll be crying soon, I promise. What’s even more of a gas is that two of the four teams the R-Words have defeated over the last two years are, get this: The Raiders and the Jaguars.

Basically, the Raiders, Jaguars, and R-Words are naked in a dirty pit, wrapped up in a mud-slinging fight to the death, as the rest of the league watches and laughs, throwing rocks and pieces of food at them. The poor are getting poorer, and there’s little reason to believe this will change this year. The difference is that Raiders and Jaguars know they are the dustbin of society, and this will eventually help them. R-Words fans show up to every game hoping that this might be the one where they turn the corner. Just a few plays away. Every offseason, Washington is a few moves or draft picks away from playoff contention. Much like North Koreans, R-Words fans are brainwashed by our leaders and the media. It’s time to wake up. The Matrix isn’t real. That hot girl you made love to at Wayne Manor is actually Ras Al Ghul’s daughter. Prince Hans is actually a cold-hearted bastard who was lying when he proposed to you, is trying to kill your sister, Elsa, and wants to take over your kingdom. The R-Words are, in fact, terrible.

There are hundreds of reasons why they’re bad. Here are the top 16.

16. Injuries
Let’s get the excuses out of the way. An injury to your starting quarterback, no matter how maligned he is, for any substantial amount of time, is usually crippling.

RGIII is, as we now know, better than Captain Kirk. He has the ability to win games, and he won’t be back for probably another month.

There’s also DeAngelo Hall, the lone good player in the Washington secondary, who is out for the year.

Young safety Phillip Thomas can’t get on the field, so we’ll never know how bad he is.

Tight end Jordan Reed’s injury was well masked by Niles Paul’s solid play, but he was missed.

Barry Coefield, nose tackle, was lost for the first half of the season. Chris Baker has filled in nicely, but the defensive line was supposed to be the star of the defense, compensating for the lack of talent in the secondary. Other than Ryan Kerrigan, it hasn’t been.

There have been a slew of other small injuries not worth mentioning. Brian Orakpo’s broken hand. Perry Riley. David Amerson. DeSean Jackson. Shawn Lavauo. R-Words fans’ hearts.

15. Too young to die
Many young R-Words players have been thrown into the fire without the proper time to grow. This is a big problem in the secondary. E.J. Biggers and Baushad Breeland have displayed flashes of talent, but they weren’t meant to line up against the likes of Larry Fitzgerald, Jeremy Maclin, and Percy Harvin for at least another year of practice and study. Injuries have forced the issue. Bacarri Rambo was the epitome of this epidemic, and is currently unemployed.

14. Brian Orakpo
He is just not an elite player. He’s merely a very good one, and he’s not worth the price of the franchise tag. He’s an expert at drawing holding calls, but that’s about it. Everyone was hoping that Orakpo, Kerrigan, and Hatcher would be sticks in the opposing quarterbacks’ craws, but the defensive line has been little more than flies in their drinks. Orakpo will be gone at the end of the season if he doesn’t want to sign a smaller contract. No one hates this more than me, who bought his jersey his rookie year.

13. Brandon Meriweather
The veteran head-hunting safety was suspended for the first two games for yet another helmet to helmet tackle, forcing Rambo to be tossed into the lineup prematurely. Since he’s been back, Meriweather hasn’t done much, either. I sure hope Meriweather is sending Rambo weekly checks to help support him financially.

12. David Amerson
The 2013 2nd rounder is too young to be a good cornerback yet, and may never be after being thrown into the number one cornerback slot too early. Either way, he’s part of a bad secondary.

11 Ryan Clark
This is a tough one to swallow. When the R-Words originally let the safety go in 2005, he was young and just blossoming. Now that they’ve gotten him back after a solid career and a Super Bowl ring, he’s just too damn old at 35. Advantage Steelers.

10. Tyler Polumbus
The awful right tackle has been solely responsible for several sacks and turnovers this year. The mere glimpse of his jersey on the field is a sore for sight eyes.

9. Morgan Moses
If Polumbus is this bad, how bad could Moses, his backup, actually be? The R-Words drafted him in the third round out of UVA this year, and put him in begrudgingly against Seattle when Polumbus thankfully went down with a minor injury. He quickly showed Washington brass what he could do by essentially ushering a Seattle defensive end to Cousins’ back. It was a very gentlemanly thing to do.

8. Mike Shanahan made us believe we had a great running game
The Shanahans make running games good. Much like how every receiver Tom Brady and Peyton Manning touch turns to gold, every running game the Shanahans touch becomes precious. See the Cleveland Browns running game, where Kyle Shanahan is now the coordinator, even during Ben Tate’s injury. I don’t believe Alfred Morris is bad, but it’s possible he’s not great. All we know is the R-Words are among the worst in the league after six weeks, rushing for under 100 yards per game.

7. Robert Griffin III
Our savior. Everything was spent on this phenom two and a half years ago. The hope was that he was a constant ace in the hole. He would be the fastest guy on the field with a killer arm and a keen mind. Imagine a velociraptor that could shoot lasers out of his eyes. That was supposed to be RGIII, and it was, for a season. The plan was working. Who cares that you don’t have draft picks when you have Peyton Manning or Tom Brady in their prime? It’s hard to know whether his mediocre play in 2013 and the beginning of 2014 was even his fault. He just hasn’t been the same after his injury in 2012. Thanks to Cousins’ erratic play, he’ll get another shot for the last five or six games to prove he’s still the franchise quarterback. If he’s not, who knows what the R-Words will do? I shudder at the thought.

6. Kirk Cousins
What a good backup. He really is. He can come in and win a game. Just like most backups, however, he can also come in and lose games. This is what he’s done. He’s never won as a starter [except against the Browns in 2012… and the Browns were terrible then–ed.], and he never will until he starts playing well when the pressure is on. Unfortunately, we’ll never know if he actually has what it takes to be a starter. The R-Words don’t have the time to wait for him to grow. It may not be fair, but while RGIII was implicitly given years to develop slowly, Cousins has a month to prove he’s incredible. Maybe that’s why he throws so many interceptions. He wants to be the starter and he has a few game-winning drives to prove it. I would, too. Either way, when Cousins pulls that pin and drops that captain’s log, it’s never just one. By the end, what’s left behind is a stinking pile of interceptions and yet another heart-breaking loss.

5. No talent on defense
This is Jim Haslett’s fifth year as the R-Words defensive coordinator, and the best they’ve been is mediocre during that time. This is not Haslett’s fault, however. They continually give him lemons and ask for lemonade. Think back over the last five years and try and remember one great player on defense, or one good unit on defense. Other than London Fletcher, there has been no one. We might be witnessing Ryan Kerrigan becoming great this year, but that’s not certain. After watching how the R-Words defense continually keeping the team in the game in Arizona, we can see that Haslett delivers lemonade. Be it brownish in color and bitter in taste, it’s still lemonade. For the reasons why there has been no talent for Haslett to play with, see the next two paragraphs.

4. The Robert Griffin III trade
What they gave up to get RGIII might have been more costly than RGIII’s mediocre play of late. This was nothing more than a gamble, and unfortunately, it hasn’t paid off. The R-Words gave up three first round picks, and one second round pick over three seasons to trade up and acquire what hoped would be a game-changing talent. Before his injury, it looked like he was. His health and solid play during his rookie year was the difference between the R-Words winning and losing. Now that he’s either been unhealthy on the field or injured off the field, the R-Words lose. It’s as simple as that. There’s still hope RGIII can be that player, but it’s just that at this point: hope, which, as we’ve covered before, is also known as poison.

3. Dan Snyder’s conniving rule-breaking cost the team quality players
There were two owners who disobeyed the league’s rules during the NFL’s uncapped year three offseasons ago. The owners of the two most evil franchises got what they deserved. Dan Snyder and his idol/enemy, Jerry Jones, had to give up money in cap spending in 2012 and 2013. The R-Words couldn’t spend $18 million each year. Just to put this into perspective, here are a few very good players’ contracts from around the league:

Kam Chancellor, Seahawks DB: five-year, $29.323 million
Prince Amukamura, Giants DB: four-year, $8.18 million
Brandon Carr, Cowboys DB: five-year, $50.1 million
Sebastian Vollmer, Patriots OT: four-year, $17 million

Do you see where this is going? Dan Snyder basically cost the R-Words a good secondary. Of course, there’s no guarantee the players they would have signed would be any good, but this is a serious handicap. I believe Jim Haslett’s head will be the one to roll after this season because of Dan Snyder’s mistakes.

2. No Depth Anywhere
See #3 again. Even if the R-Words hadn’t used that $18 mil/year to get quality starters, they could have spread that money around easily to find quality backups. As it is, when any R-Words starter goes down, the whole team goes down. Add the cap penalty with losing draft picks in the RGIII trade and you have a severe lack of talent.

1. Dan Snyder will never rebuild
Since taking over the team in 1999, Snyder has always managed the team like they are a few players away from a dynasty. This has never been true. Becoming a contender takes time and talent development, not big free agent signings or blockbuster trades. Snyder is the ultimate delusional R-Words fan. When he looks in the mirror, he sees New England and Indianapolis, not Jacksonville and Oakland. Imagine Snyder walking into an owners meeting and admitting to Jerry Jones that he’s in the process of rebuilding. He’ll never be able to face Jerry.

The R-Words are constantly a patched up bad team. This is why they have two playoff victories in 15 years, and why they’ll never get to the Super Bowl. If they ever do, it’ll be blind luck, or because Snyder has had a supernatural conversion. This is the real wizard behind the curtain, the real reason the R-Words is an evil metaphysical force out to injure its fans.

Week 7 Outlook:
Washington 30, Titans 17

What? They still are an evil force. The outlook is too bleak right now for the R-Words to maintain its emotional and financial hold on its fans. It’s time for them to poison our souls with some hope.

Marilyn Drew Necci

Marilyn Drew Necci

Former GayRVA editor-in-chief, RVA Magazine editor for print and web. Anxiety expert, proud trans woman, happily married.




more in politics

‘We Live in Fear’ Spouse of FBI Agent Speaks Out

In the wake of escalating political tensions, a new controversy has emerged over the safety and security of FBI agents involved in the January 6th Capitol insurrection investigations. According to multiple news reports, the Justice Department, under the current...

Photos | Trump Protests in Richmond and DC

Hundreds of people gathered at Richmond’s Capitol Square on Wednesday as part of the nationwide 50501 Movement, protesting President Trump’s Project 2025 agenda. Organized by Dia Figueroa, the rally focused on opposing proposed cuts to reproductive rights, stricter...