RICHMOND, VA — The Peedmont, a Virginia- based satirical news site, announced today that it has been acquired by the Russian Times, a leading Russian media outlet, effective immediately.
The sale was made following a night of heavy drinking among The Peedmont’s editorial staff at Penny Lane Pub early last week.
“We’d been drinking for hours and we knew our tab was going to be a whopper,” said staff writer Heidi Hughes. “Suddenly this man in a trenchcoat shows up out of nowhere and says he can ‘make this all go away.’ It seemed strange, but we were pretty buzzed at that point so we just went with it.”
The stranger, who later identified himself as Yuri “The Hammer” Petrovski, had offered to cover the group’s bar tab in return for ownership of The Peedmont.
“The proposal just came at the right time,” Peedmont founder and editor-in-chief Anderson Tilley remarked. “We’ve seen a boost in web traffic recently, mostly out of Eastern Europe for some reason. We feel this is the right direction for The Peedmont. And, to be honest, there was no way we were going to be able to pay that bar tab ourselves.”
Petrovski’s sole demand was for ownership of The Peedmont, and after some brief negotiating, a deal between the two was reached. The official documentation was then recorded on one of the restaurant’s beer coasters.
The purchase, which comes at a time of increased tension between the U.S. and Russian governments, has drawn concern from local and state officials. However, The Peedmont insists that their signature brand of local satire will not change.
“The Peedmont will keep putting out the same fun, irreverent satire our readers love,” commented staff writer Archie Boderekson. “Sure, we now fully support the Putin regime and have changed our official stance on their claims to Crimea and Syrian intervention, but that’s just a formality. We’ll still make Richmond-based Tinder jokes, too.”
According to Tilley, the acquisition will also bring technical improvements to The Peedmont’s website, which recently re-launched with a brand new layout. “The Russians have offered to let us use their servers so you might notice more cookies on your computer, but that’s totally normal and the site should load faster now.”
While Petrovski did not return our requests for an interview, officials at the Russian Embassy in Washington, D.C. have released the following statement: “The Russian Times has been eyeing acquisition that could create back-channel between Russia and the American peoples. We’ve been looking for reputable American news organization by searching ‘alternative facts’ in Bing and Peedmont kept showing up. This is unique opportunity to acquire trusted news organization in a mid-sized American city, just two hours drive from D.C. We know that together we can help bring truth to the American people.”
When we attempted to reach Peedmont staff writers Jenna Carley and Casey Stevnako for their comments, we were informed they were sequestered in the Russian Embassy, discussing topics for future articles. We were only allowed to pass written messages to them through official embassy channels. “This is really validating,” Carley wrote. “This just gives credence to the work we’ve been doing in the name of comedy and journalism.”
When pressed for their feelings on the deal in the context of growing U.S.-Russian tensions, we received this message: “Well, quite frankly, we feel a little really validating. We feel like we’ve been shouting into the void to make good laugh and support Russian claims to crimea.”
Equally excited about the acquisition is Ronald Glump, The Peedmont’s business manager. Speaking about the deal, he commented, “This deal is really tremendous. It’s so, so good. You’ve never seen a deal this good. And Richmond is … great things for us, amazing things.”
When asked whether the investigation of Russian interference in the presidential election and the role played by the false news stories from Eastern Europe was of any concern, Glump responded tersely, “This interview is over.”
