Valentine’s Day is less than a month in the rearview, and already the Missed Connections are full of regret. In particular, there’s apparently a turtle out there looking to form a mutual Cupid’s-arrow-removal pact. This is one time I think y’all might be extending the metaphor a bit too far. But at least it’s entertaining, right?
Sometimes you have to take those moments of entertainment when you can get them, even when they are kind of a bummer. A truth rarely acknowledged: Missed Connections were better before SESTA/FOSTA passed and all the posts that used to be in Casual Encounters got thrown in here willy-nilly. Listen, guys: EVERY thinly-veiled metaphor for no-strings-attached sex is played out and tired at this point. Stop talking to me about your clogged pipes, please.
That said, there are still some gems in there if you’re willing to look… and that’s what you come to us for, right? So this week, enjoy talk of tongue-tied crushes at Fort Lee, silver foxes at estate sales, helpful Food Lion shoppers… and a couple foot fetishists just to see if you’re still paying attention.
Plus, a special shout-out to the long-winded weirdo who could win a lifetime achievement award for overthinking it. You’re the reason for the season, sunshine.
Put on a happy face, Virginia.
I’ll pull your arrow out, if you’ll pull mine. Then we can learn how to heal the wounds we’ve fought for so long.
Guidelines. Trust. Set the target. Give me a clear shot and I won’t blink.
-Masked Turtle
I’ve been called ugly, fat and the list goes on. I’ve been told to settle for less and to not be so picky. I am not perfect but neither are you. If you are shallow why should I lower my standards. If we are talking and I tell you in a polite way….you are not my type, why do you then become disrespectful calling me names. Does this make you feel better, more like a man?? I post questions for conversation and they get flagged. I post wanting a hook up FWB and it stays up for weeks while my inbox gets slammed with naked pictures of men. Why???
Young silver fox, I couldn’t look at you for too long because something inside me was screaming, and it was scaring the hell out of me. It was such a high. Thank you.
Planet Fitness hottie (West End)
I see you working hard in the gym multiple nights a week. You’re bearded, tattooed and in impeccable shape. I’m the woman who wears the long-sleeved tops and jewel-tone leggings.
It thrills me when we make eye contact. I want to know you!
Missing my car girl (Cave spring)
Car guy looking for a car girl. Someone that can enjoy the car show season with and enjoy the passion for cars with. I know it’s rare but I know it’s out there
You Called Me “The Zipper Man” (Roanoke)
Because of how quickly I get in there and go to work. HMU
Because it’s easier to tear down than is to build up.
you were never very good at tying knots but you were sure dedicated to holding me back
I was on base today for work (young de male) you were so sexy in your uniform. We passed eachother and gahhhhh but yeah. Hope this finds you. (Please don’t respond if you’re old and just trying to be a creep)
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (kik me… alvertac)
I survived because inside me burned brighter than the fire around me. Im a very stong believer that whoever is meant to be in your life will always gravitate towards you, regardless how far they wander. Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see. And I know you can perfectly see, so let’s talk. kik me… alvertac
I miss those toes.. (Chesterfield)
We would meet up after you got off work or cane from the gym then you would get in the car with me and I would suck your toes and massage your feet.. I miss our talks an your toes lol I even miss the smell after you left the gym.. I’m still willing to pay for pedicures again I just miss our time together… hope you see this or if any other females with pretty toes wanna meet up let me know no sex just wanna suck on some toes serious injuries only..
Looking to find female friend with nice feet (Hampton Roads)
I am searching for a mature woman who I can be friends with and also massage and admire her feet. I know, it’s a little out of left field and some are thinking “One of those guys who likes feet.”. I am being honest as I work a lot and would love to find someone who is doesn’t mind being friends with a guy who likes feet. Feet don’t have to be all done up and perfect, race doesn’t matter, and size doesn’t matter. So if interested, and yes their are perks to this friendship, please email me. I am not looking for anything more than that, I wish there was a proper channel to post an ad like this, but I do believe that their is someone who understands what I’m looking for.If interested please email me, if you have constructive criticism please email me, if you have questions than please email me.
Hi, I wanted to thank the man who helped me with my groceries yesterday at Food Lion. I was loading groceries in the trunk of my car and had groceries falling out of the bags into the street. You were sitting in your car next to me and got out and helped me. We talked a few minutes then you left. I wanted to say something but I was to shy. I am a white woman, late 50’s, you looked about the same age. If you would like to talk send me a message.
You were attractive middle aged woman, I a younger man. We kept bumping into each other in the store. We chatted on our way out of the store. I told you to have a good day, wish I would have said more. Doubt you’ll see this, but by some chance you do, please respond!
Whole Foods – woman with gigantic water (Richmond)
Nearly 10pm. You smiled at me in the produce section. You were looking at cheeses. I know…why do they have cheese in the produce section? I got this bag of oranges…who has time to hunt through the oranges for good ones at the store when you can do it at home? You made your way to the freezers in the produce section — again…why do they have freezers in the produce section? — as I got off a call with my mom so I could check my alexa-generated shopping list. You were near enough to hear, and I’m thinking, if I say ‘I love you’ she might think I’m taken, but also, you’ve gotta tell your mom you love her. That’s a thing. So I told her I’d be in touch and that I love her. See, if I had someone at home at 10pm, why the hell would I say I’d be in touch? I wouldn’t. Maybe I’m having an affair. Well, I’m not, I definitely went home alone. And so did you — because you bought a small thing of toilet paper, and some organic toilet cleaner, and some other cleaning spray…and I’m like wtf, who goes out at 10pm, to Whole Foods no less, and buys all their cleaning products? Is someone sick…or dying of coronavirus? If they were, wouldn’t she need more toilet paper than that? Did she see that article in the New York Times about how in Hong Kong they buy TONS of toilet paper and use it to build makeshift coffee tables? But seriously…there’s still a week before the end of the month, and it’s February, so you’re not moving…I mean, did you just run out of all your household essentials at once? And then, we just keep crossing paths, you, me, and ten guys that all look like if NSYNC mated with lumberjacks. But then you got stuck in one aisle. I thought maybe she’s getting sports drinks or something. But you never left that aisle, as I zipped around the store trying to find that Japanese ginger dressing that you have to keep refrigerated…you know, it’s the stuff that looks like cat puke they use at all the sushi joints, but it tastes so damn good and I’m trying so hard to get my leafy greens, what am I gonna do? Spoiler: they don’t have it there, of course. That’s okay, I found some other dressing for $7 that…whatever. It’s probably fine. But there you are in the water aisle like it’s going out of style…and here’s the climax: you know what’s in there also? The cookies. Well, shit, I deserve 2-3 cookies after dinner, don’t I? After my orange. But you walked right past them, right past me. Punch in the gut. Realization that I’m the worst person in the world because I eat cookies now. Only since Christmas. I stopped eating dessert in, like, college — but then Christmas happened this year and someone introduced me to these flat cookies they make with rice. I know, right? We end up in line together. So many magazines about gut flora. I like your glasses and how you wear your hair. They ask for your ID because you bought a bottle of wine. And I wonder if you’re going home with your one bottle of wine and I’m-single toilet paper to spend the evening drinking and I guess washing your apartment with vinegar spray. And you pull out of your cart the largest bottle of water I’ve ever seen — like, enough to keep a corporate office hydrated for a couple weeks. Why do you have so much water–and actually, how do you even open the gigantic bottle? They pull me to another line. I’m dying inside because you’re such a thoughtful person, saving the planet one spritz at a time, and I don’t even own a reusable bag. And then I see you’re taking home paper bags too. They’re great, right? We grew up with them, but they’re still kind of okay, because you can fill them with old socks and donate them to charity. You rolled out your cart. We left together. I couldn’t find my car, because that’s my lot in life, always misplacing the things I need most. I wanted to tell you that you make me want to be a better person…to waste less plastic, to clean with organic products, to spend more on unique cheeses and less on feel-good foods, to take only what I need. I needed your smile — I wanted to return it, but I guess I didn’t quite remember how.
